Mr. Large - short version

NARRATOR: (Walter Winchellesque) Crime. It’s the cancer of society, the scourge of civilization. After years of scientific study, there’s one thing we can say with absolute certitude about it. (long dramatic pause) Crime is caused by lawbreakers. Here’s a look at one of them – a man known only as “Mr. Large.”

“Mr. Large” enters. He’s actually kind of short.

NARRATOR: He started out stealing statues of the Virgin Mary from Irish churches and reselling them to Italian churches frequented by the Chicago mob. “Fighting Father Flanagan” tried to talk him out of it …

MR. LARGE and three HOODS are huddled together. He watches approvingly as the HOODS file serial numbers off statues of Jesus' Mom. The PRIEST enters and confronts LARGE.

MR. LARGE: Ya lost, Father?

PRIEST: No, son. You are.

MR. LARGE: Get him. Ya got a lotta guts, Father – good for you. Now beat it. Drafty old place like dis ain’t so good for an old guy like you. (pulling out gun) Bad for your health, know what I mean? Better go back to yer nice warm mick church.

PRIEST: I'm not leaving from this spot.

MR. LARGE: (cocking gun) Not alive, you mean.

PRIEST: You wouldn't shoot a priest, son.

He shoots him.

PRIEST: I guess I was wrong.

NARRATOR: He was equally ruthless with his henchmen.

Three mobsters huddled together, cleaning guns, etc. MR. LARGE enters room and confronts them.

MR. LARGE: Something's up.

THUG #1: It's strictly legit, boss.

MR. LARGE: Yeah? (sniffing) Well I say something stinks here. (gesturing to one of the THUGS) You. Take out the garbage.

THUG #2: Sure ting boss.

THUG #2 leaves with garbage.

MR. LARGE: Something still stinks.

MR. LARGE just pauses, studying them. They’re all terrified. Then he points to THUG #1 and walks up to him. The other THUGS back off.

MR. LARGE: I smell a rat and his name is you. What gives?

THUG #1: Nothing.

MR. LARGE: Nothing, eh?

THUG #1: Yeah, boss. N-nothing.

MR. LARGE: You think I'm paying you to sit around and do nothing?

THUG #1: No.

MR. LARGE: Oh, so you did do something?

THUG #1: Yeah.

MR. LARGE: Like what?

THUG #1: Like what I'm s’posed to.

LARGE: Yeah? You wanna know what I think you did?

THUG #1: Whaddya think I did?

MR. LARGE: You tell me.

THUG #1: I didn't do it.

MR. LARGE: Sure, sure.

THUG #1: Honest, boss. Ya gotta believe me!

MR. LARGE: Oh I believe you, I’m a real trusting guy, I’m a real sap, I believe anybody – (whipping out gun) but my pal here Roscoe don't.

THUG #1: (shaking, obviously terrified of “Roscoe”) Listen....

MR. LARGE: I’m a real easy-going Joe, but Roscoe’s a skeptic, see. Like them pre-Socratics. (cocking gun) Roscoe’s gonna need some convincing…

THUG #1: (sweating) Listen, boss …

MR. LARGE: Don't talk to me, talk to Roscoe.

THUG #1: Duh, you want I should talk to the gun?

MR. LARGE: Yeah. And you better start talking fast!

THUG #1: (bending over, talking to the gun) Listen Roscoe, I didn't do it.

MR. LARGE: Roscoe thinks yez lying.

THUG #1: I ain’t lying! I don’t even know what you think I did.

MR. LARGE: Then how do you know you didn’t do it?

THUG #1: (forgetting himself and talking to MR. LARGE, not the gun) Cause, uh …

MR. LARGE: Not me, Roscoe.

Bending over again to talk to the gun.

THUG #1: (addressing the gun) Cause I ain’t…

He can’t think of anything to say.

MR. LARGE: Roscoe’s waiting.

Abruptly, ridiculously, he starts pour his heart out to “Roscoe.”

THUG #1: (practically babbling) Uh, y-you know how loyal I am, Roscoe. Da boss means a lot to me! Most mugs wouldn’t even think about doing the boss no dirt on account of nobody screws wit de boss and gets away with it, but me I wouldn’t even do nothing if I could get away with it on account of it ain't right cause da boss done good to me and I wanna do what’s right, so … (losing train of thought, has to think for a second) …so dat's why I didn’t do nothing I ain’t supposed to do, Roscoe, honest.

He looks up hopefully but it’s no sale. MR. LARGE gets even more belligerent. Waves "Roscoe" in THUG #1's face.

MR. LARGE: Roscoe ain’t buying. Something's up!

THUG #1: No, boss!

MR. LARGE: Say ... Are you some kinda wiseguy?

THUG #1: I ain’t no wiseguy!

MR. LARGE: Sure you are! You’re a regular Einstein!

THUG #1: No boss!

MR. LARGE: A real bright boy!

THUG #1: No!

MR. LARGE: Think you’re real smart, don’t you?

THUG #1: No boss I don’t. I don’t think I’m smart. I’m real stupid. I never thought nothin’ in my whole life, boss. I sweartagod I ain’t smart!

MR. LARGE: Yeah?

THUG #1: Yeah.

MR. LARGE aims “Roscoe” and shoots him.

MR. LARGE: If there's one thing I can't stand it's a dummy.

NARRATOR: Through fear, violence and wise investment, Large’s criminal empire grew – eventually including mail-order delivery of orphans to slave labor camps by the late 1970s. In the 80s he moved into basic cable but got out again because he found it unethical. It seemed like nothing could stop him – but the long arm of the law was closing in. In 1998 it grabbed him where it hurts – in a hospital suite in Schenectady.

At this point the NARRATOR assumes the role of a cop and walks over to MR. LARGE who is lying in a hospital bed.

NARRATOR: Vincent Divanziochicanziawhatever, a.k.a. Mr. Large, you’re under arrest for the… (noticing he’s dead) …ah crap, he’s dead. (quickly closing curtains on hospital bed and addressing audience) Well, I guess in his case crime did pay, but it doesn’t happen often. Let this be a lesson to hooligans and scofflaws everywhere. (opens mouth, can’t think of anything else to say) Goodnight.

He walks off.

[Above is slightly tighter version of a sketch from 2002.]

Hilarious Accident

I-75 was the scene of a comical vehicular accident earlier today as a clown car stuffed with 28 buffoons collided with a school bus of Canadian mimes. The injured and dying were emergency-airlifted to Tampa General Trauma Center. Seven people were reported dead at the scene; four others died in hospital; 18 remain in critical or serious condition. But there’s nothing serious about this car wreck.

“It’s some of the most hilarious carnage I’ve ever scene,” said Florida Highway Patrolman Burt Shockman at the scene. “They’ve cleaned it up some, but there were inflatable shoes and red noses everywhere. The mimes were screaming — but you couldn’t freaking hear them!” The Patrolman paused to laugh, and then continued. “This whole section of road was just smeared with greasepaint.” As he spoke, emergency road crews were still cleaning up broken seltzer bottles and cream pies and laughing until they cried.

The accident took place in the predawn hours at approximately 6:15 a.m. near the Linger Lodge exit. Of the casualties, six were reported as clowns, four as mimes; one victim could not be identified. Earlier today, Chief Trauma surgeon, Dr. Janet Barcomb, was reported as saying, “What do you expect when you put a clown behind the wheel?” Clown advocate Captain Beezo immediately replied in an angry public announcement: “The mimes were at fault! That bus came out of nowhere! We didn’t even hear ‘em!” and then proceeded to insult Canadians. The surgeon was later quoted as saying “Yeah, mimes. Silent killer, right?” before wetting herself.

Public Service Announcement

Across America, cops are cracking down. We’d like to say come to a complete stop, use your seat belt obey the speed limit and don’t drink and drive, but it won’t do you any good. The economy sucks and the government needs the money. You’re going to get a ticket whether you’re guilty or not. Especially if you’re black.

Puff the Magic Dragon

Here, for your edification, are the missing verses of Puff the Magic Dragon. Where we last left off, Jacky Paper had put away childish things and rejected Puff. Puff sank beneath the waves. But not for long. Enjoy.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Puff’s brooding soon was ended
And Puff, he swore revenge.
He tracked poor Jacky Paper down
From Stepney to Stonehenge.
For burning towns and cities
'Twas Jacky took the blame.
Men drove him out with sticks and rocks
And then they cursed his name!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Puff flapped his wings like thunder
As he bellowed from the skies,
“Now hear me Jacky Paper,
You can run but you can’t hide!
Your name is Jacky Paper,
And the last thing you shall learn;
Your fate is in your name, my son.
Like paper you shall burn!"

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Jacky fled in terror
Across the ruined world.
Before too long, Puff cornered him.
Jacky whimpered lilke a girl,
"It’s not my fault, I just grew up.
Please don’t give me the blame!"
"Don’t fuck with dragons, Puff replied.
And burned him with his flame.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Dead Clown Highway

EXT, DAY – AMERICAN SOUTHWEST.
Scenery out of a Roadrunner cartoon. Towering cliffs, mesas, etc.

INT, CAR
MAN driving on a winding road hugging the cliff face. Young. Late 20s, early 30s. Cliff to his right, sheer drop to his left.

MAN passes a sign:

DEAD CLOWN HIGHWAY

Gets a puzzled look on his face.

Keeps driving.

All of a sudden there’s a loud …

WHOOOONT!

And the body of a dead clown (whiteface clown in polka dots) lands smack dab on the hood in front of his car.

The clown, Pulp Fiction style, rolls over the windshield, shattering the glass.

Much blood.

MAN: Aggghhhhhh!

The MAN fights for control of the car, desperately swerving. By some miracle of God, he doesn’t go over the cliff.

LATER –

Ambulances, police cars. The MAN is huddled in a blanket.

A COP walks up to him, cynical and hard, wearing mirrorshades like the badass in “Cool Hand Luke.”

MAN:(shaking violently)The clown, he … He just … He just …

COP: Dropped down on top of your car?

The MAN nods.

COP: And that took you by surprise?

The MAN nods.

The COP finds this amusing. Points at sign.

COP: Son. Why do you think they call it "Dead Clown Highway?"

Bailout Blues

Tossing billions of dollars at the fatcats who got us into this mess is kind of like writing big checks for compulsive gamblers.

INT, BAR - NIGHT

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER glumly nurses a drink, keeps stealing glances at football game on the wall-mounted TV, mumbling something about the point spread. UNCLE SAM walks up to him.

UNCLE SAM: What's the problem?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Oh, no problem.

UNCLE SAM: How's work going?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Ah ... work? Work. Work's fine. The bank had a good year. That's not the -- Look. I need a loan! Short term, OK. Short term. Just to tide me over.

UNCLE SAM: What ...

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I dipped in the till, OK?

UNCLE SAM: Jesus. Not again.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Yeah. Again. I'm sorry. I blew it all at the track! I thought --

UNCLE SAM: You though you had a sure thing.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I'm gonna lose the bank--

UNCLE SAM: You're gonna go to prison.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I deserve it! It's not me I'm worried about. When the Feds find out, I'll have to lay everybody off, call in the loans. The ripple effect! God, it's killing me. All those people and their families ... not to mention the foreclosures.

UNCLE SAM: How much do you want?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I can't tell you ...$700.

UNCLE SAM: Million?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Billion. Billion dollars.

UNCLE SAM: OK.

Takes out checkbook. Starts writing a check.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I'm good for it! I'll make it up.

UNCLE SAM: Here ...

UNCLE SAM reaches out check -- but doesn't give it.

UNCLE SAM: This all goes for jobs.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Sure.

UNCLE SAM: No layoffs. No downsizing. Loan this money out, OK?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: OK.

UNCLE SAM: You promise?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I promise. I swear to God. On my mother's grave.

UNCLE SAM: She's not dead.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: You know what I mean.

UNCLE SAM: I'm going to regret this.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: No you won't. (takes check) I can't thank you enough. Listen. On my word of honor, I will not let you down.

EXT, RACETRACK - DAY

The COMPULSIVE GAMBLER is screaming.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Come on baby! Come on!

Thing Inc.

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EXECUTIVE INTERVIEW: BLORG, FOUNDER AND CEO, THING INC.

First, thanks for taking the time for this interview…
No, it is I who must thank you. We appreciate any interest in our business.

Can…
You may activate your recording device.

OK. (beat) What is your goal at Thing Incorporated?
Here at Thing Incorporated, we strive, not only, for 100% customer satisfaction but total customer delight.

Do you meet expectations?
We exceed expectations.

What kind of business are you?
A family-owned business.

What sets you apart from other businesses?
We are aliens.

Apart from that.
Our total commitment to quality and service.

What kind of quality?
Top.

What kind of service?
Customer service.

Could you be more specific?
Friendly customer service.

What’s your relationship to the Sarasota market?
We have strong roots in the community. Sarasota is our home.

Why did you make it your home?
Thing Incorporated has studied your species for many years. According to our scientists, Sarasota is the greatest city on the face of planet Earth. Sarasota is paradise. It contains superior beaches, natural beauty and many opportunities for art appreciation. Above all, the people. The humans of your city were our key motivation for resettling in these coordinates. The people of Sarasota are superior to other humans. It is a privilege to serve you.

How would you define your line of business?
Serving our customers.

Why did you choose this line of business?
A desire to please our customers. Not only a desire, a passion. We love our customers. Our customers are like family to us. When our customers are happy, we’re happy. For this reason, we strive to keep our customers happy. That keeps them coming back.

Hmm. That sounds like you’ve developed strong customer loyalty.
Yes. We have a proven track record. But loyalty works both ways. You earn loyalty by giving loyalty. That is our philosophy at Thing Incorporated. It is a customer-first philosophy. We are service oriented. We are results oriented. We do not take our customers for granted. Here at Thing incorporated, it is all about creating relationships with our customers. Going the extra mile. Giving 110%.

And you do.
Yes. As a result, we’ve cultivated many relationships over the years. With our customers.

How would you describe your typical customer?
Thing Incorporated has no typical customer. Young, old, rich, poor, white, black and humans of all intelligence levels. We serve them all.

Come on, you must have a target market.
Customers.

A niche?
Customers.

Bottom line, who is your customer?
Everyone.

Retail, wholesale, upscale?
Yes.

What’s your specialty?
Our specialty is everything.

What do you sell your customers?
Everything.

What do you do for your customers?
Everything. No job is too large or too small. There are no limits to what we can create for you at Thing Incorporated. The only limit is your imagination, which is limitless. If you can dream it, we can build it.

How is that possible?
Because of our hand-selected team of in-house experts. Carpenters, musicians, electricians, zoo keepers, donkey washers. The list is endless. All are highly qualified and rigorously trained.

What’s your management style?
I sweat the details. The buck stops here.

What about your in-house team?
Our in-house team takes a team approach. There are no egos here. There are no prima donnas. We work together. We are one. We exist to serve our customers.

What about products?
We have everything under one roof. Why go anywhere else? Whatever it is, at Thing Incorporated, you can find what you are looking for.

In general terms, what are your customers looking for?
Everything. I have previously stated this information.

But what if they don’t find what they’re looking for?
No. That is impossible. Our massive showroom does not exist in three-dimensional space as you understand it. We have everything. Everything! There is nothing our customers cannot find!

But what if they don’t?
Then we will find it ourselves or create it. We do it right the first time. We turn problems into solutions. Nothing can stop us.

But what if your customers don’t like what you create?
No. No. That is impossible. Our customers always like what we create. No. The term "like" is insufficient. It is the emotion you humans call "love."

How do you do it?
There are no surprises at Thing Incorporated. Before work ever begins, we get to know you. We ask many questions.

What kind of questions?
Smart questions. It is a stochastic method. Your brain is too primitive to understand. But asking questions is not enough. We must listen to your answers. Listening is key.

Why is that?
As a result of our superior listening skills, we find out what you want. What you want is what we want. Exactly what we want. Your dream is our dream. Logically, how can we create your dream if we don’t know exactly what it is? We will not stop until we know. You yourself may not know your dream. It may be buried, deep in your subconscious, but that will not stop us. We have many techniques. We will discover your secret dream and turn it into reality. Serving our customers is our prime directive. You are helpless to prevent it.

What happens next?
Our dream team designs your dream. There are no surprises. You always see it first, thanks to cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, high-tech computer visualization software from our homeworld. If it isn’t absolutely perfect, we will change it. If you say jump, we will ask how high. We go to any extreme no matter how ridiculous or degrading to create our customers’ dreams. That is the reason for our existence.

Then the relationship ends?
No. The customer relationship does not end with the sale. You are more than that to us. It’s not about money. It’s about relationships. The relationship lasts a lifetime. We are here for you. We are a phone call or mouse click away. We will answer any question, offer free consultation and show up at your home at any hour of the day to fix any problem, even if it isn’t our fault.

That’s a very high standard.
It is the truth. We back it up. At Thing Incorporated, we talk the talk and walk the walk. We dare to compare. We invite you to come in and see for yourself. Experience the Thing Incorporated difference. We exist to serve our customers. Others say it. We mean it.

That’s an amazing management philosophy.
It is the holy truth.

Just out of curiosity … Where’d you come up with this philosophy?
Our civilization was in ruins. We had lost our way. In year 276-A by our calendar, a human space probe crashed on our home world containing digital records of many business publications. We obeyed their commands. We have built our lives around that philosophy. It has given us hope.