Pedophilia epidemic explained

Back in the 1960s, Pope Paul VI wanted more foot doctors in the Catholic Church to help with the throbbing, fungus-ridden feet of missionaries in tropical countries. He told his advisors to take out full-page ads in Podiatrist Magazine proclaiming "PRIESTS WANTED. WE NEED YOUR SKILLS!" Sadly, they misunderstood his order ...

... and placed the ad in the wrong magazine.

Osama in the Water Song

(to the tune of Harry Nilsson's "Cocoanut")

Osama took a bullet, yeah he caught it in the eye

A Moe Green special, now where we dump this guy?

You put Osama in the water, just dump him in the drink.

Put Osama in the water, ain’t got time to think.

They dumped his ass in the ocean, he sank below the brine.

The sailors on the deck all cheered and said, “Well ain’t that fine?”

Reporters said, "Hey, what’s the hurry? They’ll all think that it’s a fake.

Who gave the freaking order to deep-six this here sheik?”

Obama said, “Hey man, ease up, you’re just a little bit too late.

He was stinking in the sun and could not escape his fate.”

"Now let me get this straight …

You dumped Osama in the water, just plopped him in the drink.

Put Osama in the water, and you did not stop to think.

Dumped his ass in the ocean, he sank below the brine."

Obama said, “Best think ahead son. We can’t afford a shrine.”

Reporters said, "Obama. They’re gonna say that it’s a fake.

Conspiracy theory crazies, you know, they all will belly ache.

Like UFOs and Hitler’s skull, we’ll deal with this for years."

Obama scowled and said, “I know. You’d best dry up your tears.

I put Osama in the water, just dumped him in the drink.

Put Osama in the water; ain’t had time to think.

Dumped his ass in the ocean; he sank below the brine.

He’s a freaking supervillain – and his name’s too close to mine.”

The Taking Tree

ANNOUNCER: Coming this summer. The long-awaited sequel to Shel Silverstein's cherished children's classic, The Giving Tree.

EXT, YARD - DAY

Emily, a little girl, points to a stump. Her cranky Grandpa stands behind her.

EMILY: Tell us the story of the Giving Tree, Grandpa.

GRANDPA: I ain't telling that story!

EMILY: Shel Silverstein says you killed the Giving Tree.

GRANDPA: Shel Silverstein's a liar!

EMILY: You're the "Boy," right?

GRANDPA: Goldang it! I'm calling the stump grinders!

INT, HOUSE - DAY

STUMP GRINDER framed in doorway. Grandpa listens as he says --

STUMP GRINDER: Uh, we have a problem, sir. (beat) The stump's not there.

EXT, LAWN - DAY

Emily and Grandpa look down at ripped up circle of earth. And the rutted trail moving away ...

EMILY: Where'd the tree go, Grandpa?

EXT, SKY - NIGHT

Crash of thunder and lightning.

EXT, STREET - NIGHT 

Fireman stands in pouring rain, looking up at a tree. Firetruck parked in background.

FIREMAN: (on cell phone) Yeah, tell Emily I'll see her later. Cat stuck in a tree, you know? Yeah. I love you, too.

INT, CHILD'S BEDROOM – NIGHT 

Emily in bed, Mom reading "The Giving Tree."

EMILY: Can trees hurt you, mom? Mom?

Mom doesn't answer. Distant, worried look.

EXT, TREE - NIGHT 

Fireman climbs from ladder into tree in pouring rain. Firemen below shines a light on him.

FIREMAN: Here, kitty.

INT, CHILD'S BEDROOM – NIGHT 

Sound of storm outside. (OS)

EMILY: Mom! Can trees hurt you?

MOM: No. No, of course not. 

Thunder. (OS) Lights go off.

EXT, TREE - NIGHT

FIREMAN: (inching along branch) Here, kitty ... 

Two malevolent eyes open up in the Tree. And then a gaping mouth.

Go to black --

ANNOUNCER: The Boy had taken everything the Tree had. Now the Tree is back. It's not giving anymore.

Disorienting "Cloverfield"-style flash of violence --

FIREMAN: Eagghhhhh! (OS)

ANNOUNCER: This time, it's come to take revenge.

Captain Obvious

EXT, STREET, BIG AMERICAN CITY - DAY
A crowd gathers, looking up at the sky.

MAN: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!

MAN #2: It's a slightly larger plane!

WOMAN: No! It's Captain Obvious!

He flies, cape fluttering in the sun. Then lands.

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: Hello, Citizens.

PEOPLE: Hello, Captain Obvious!

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: I have a very important message for you! The message is .... Wait for it ... "If the democracy movement succeeds in Libya, it could change everything!"

MAN: Wow.

MAN #2: You're right, Captain Obvious!

MAN: It's so obvious!

WOMAN: God bless you, Captain Obvious!

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: Just doing my job.

He flies away.

This just in: News from Oz

FALLING HOUSE KILLS DISPUTED LEADER MUNCHKIN COUNTY

MUNCHKIN CITY (OP). Nessarose, the acting ruler of Munchkin County, was killed by a falling house at a Munchkin political rally. Preliminary reports indicate Nessarose was addressing a crowd of Munchkins when she was killed by said falling house, a wooden structure of unknown origin. Death occurred at approximately 1:16 pm. today.

Nessarose's sudden death marks the end of a troubled political tenure, marred by bitter political disputes over the legitimacy of her authority. Nessarose was designated the “Wicked Witch of the East” by her political opponents, who have now seized power in Munchkin County. Accusations of foul play have immediately been voiced by Nessarose's surviving "Wicked" allies, who question the interim Munchkin County government's official account of Nessarose's death.

Details remain unclear. According to anonymous sources, Glinda (the self-designated “Good Witch of the North”), the chief representative of "Good" faction opposing the “Wicked” insurgency, appeared almost immediately following Nessarose's violent death, after which she addressed a young woman who had emerged from the unidentified wooden structure holding an animal of unknown species. Sources add that Elphaba (AKA “the Wicked Witch of the West”) appeared a few moments later and had a violent argument with the unidentified female and Glinda before disappearing. (Unconfirmed reports claim electrical discharge immediately before. A possible exchange of footwear was also reported, but this has also not been confirmed.) According to several witnesses, after conferring with Glinda, the unidentified female advanced along Yellow Brick Road in the direction of Emerald City. The "Wicked" insurgency made immediate claims of collusion and assassination plot between Glinda and the unknown female. "Good" faction continues to deny said claims.

Developing.

'Mr. Ed' -- what really happened

You know, I could do Wilbur selling Mr. Ed to the NIMH to investigate his brain and speaking abilities. But, damn it, Wilbur wouldn't do that. There's a basic loyalty between the man and his horse. Shit, it makes me want to cry.

'I Dream of Jeannie' -- what really would have happened

INT, MAJOR NELSON'S APARTMENT

Shot of Jeannie's bottle. It's still, then starts rocking back and forth violently. Then it settles again.

Hold for a few seconds.

The bottle starts rocking back and forth again.