Justice has a new face.

TEASER TRAILER

EXT, BAR, NIGHT

The first thing you see is a Steadicam point-of-view shot. Mystery Man walks into the seedy bar and everybody reacts to him. Funny looks. Expression of derision and loathing. (OK, OK, kinda like that scene in “Terminator II.”) You’re seeing the bar through the man's eyes. You don’t know what he looks like at first.

Mystery Man sits down at the bar.

The guy sitting next to him looks at him contemptuously and starts laughing.

Laughing Guy: You’re not from around here, are you?

Mystery Man doesn’t answer. He takes a picture from his coat and puts it on the bar. A young girl, about 11 years old.

Mystery Man: I’m looking for this girl.

Laughing Guy: How? I don’t see no eyes up there.

Bar reacts with laughter.

Mystery Man: Have you seen this girl?

Laughing Man imitates him, making farting noises into his hand.

More laughter. But the Bartender senses danger. He's not laughing.

Mystery Man: I asked you a simple question. I'm trying to be polite.

Laughing Guy: Uh-huh. (snickering) Well I got another question for you!

Bartender: Lay off, Leroy.

Laughing Guy: (ignoring him) So … What do they call you, anyway, fella? “Buttface” …? “Assface” … ?

Mystery Man reaches out and grabs the Laughing Guy’s hand. That hand is holding a glass of beer. Mystery Man crushes his hand and the glass within. Blood and beer stream out. The Laughing Guy screams.

Mystery Man: (Clint Eastwood-esque) I’ll repeat my question.

Laughing Guy: Eaggghh!

Mystery Man: Have you seen this girl?

Laughing Guy: No, sir! No, I ain’t seen her! Honest! Lemme go! Please!

Mystery Man: Well. Since you asked politely.

Mystery Man releases his hand. Picks up the photo. Walks away. Stops. Turns to look at the horrified bar customers. And the Laughing Guy, who’s turning white and holding his bloody ruined hand.

Anus: The name … is Anus.

Reveal of Mystery Man’s face. It resembles an anus.

And the title appears …

A Man Called “Anus”

In cinemas everywhere. March 1.

Disney on Ice Part Deux

EXT, FROZEN POND -- DAY

Donald Duck looks down at the bloodied corpse of Walt Disney on the ice. Which resembles a Jackson Pollock painting.

Mickey and Goofy walk up to him.

Mickey: Ha-ha. What’d you do, Donald?

Donald: (looking at the blood on his white-gloved hands) I’ve … I’ve killed my creator. It was an accident, honest!

Mickey: Could happen to anybody, ha-ha. Why …

Donald: Because he made me so f**king angry, that’s why! He kept pushing me. Always pushing! “Donald’s the epitome of everyone I hate.” S**t like that. I told him to back off. “Please back off, Mr. Disney.” I told him … I warned him … He wouldn’t listen! He just kept pushing! (screaming at Walt Disney’s corpse) You happy now, a**hole? You happy?

Goofy: He don’t look happy.

Donald: (collapsing in a heap of despair) Oh no. Oh woe is me! What do I do?

Goofy: Gorsh. You better do that right thing, Donald.

Mickey: Yeah. Let’s put this Nazi-f**ker on ice before anybody gets wise.

Goofy: That’s not what I …

Donald: (blushing shyly) Well … gee fellas. I did bring my ice pick.

Mickey: Good thinking, Donald! That’s planning ahead! 

Donald: It wasn’t premeditated. It wasn’t!

Mickey: No … of course not. Ha-ha. Let’s get going!

Goofy bends over the frozen pond and vomits.

Hyperstring Santa from the Nth Dimension

How the hell could Santa Claus be present in so many different malls at once?* How the hell could he deliver Christmas presents to every child in the world (aside from naughty Third World children) in a single night?

Glad you asked.

Here's my scientific explanation ...

One variant of string theory postulated that every electron and positron in our universe is actually a segment of a single N-dimensional hyperstring which cuts in and out of our 4-D bubble of space/time. (The particle is positive or negative, depending on the angle of attack.) I theorize it's the same with Santa. There's actually a single N-dimensional HyperSanta cutting in and out of our universe and manifesting in multiple locations. Krampus is, of course, the AntiSanta — who appears whenever the string intersects at an opposing angle. If Santa and Krampus ever met, our universe would explode. The would, of course, ruin Christmas.

A plausible theory, I think. The premise would also make a great, bad “Star Trek” episode on the original series. Sort of like The Alternative Factor. Except that the episode would end with Santa Claus and Krampus. Hands at each other's throats. Forever locked in agonizing combat in the void between universes.

In our universe, Kirk and Spock would glumly contemplate their fate.

Spock: The universe is saved, captain.

Kirk: Yes. But what of Santa Claus? What of Santa Claus?

* Thanks and a hattip to Michael O'Donnell for reminding me of this question and sparking this bizarre train of thought.

The A**holes Creed

The Assholes Creed

I believe in Me, the Trumpster Almighty, creator of Trump Towers and The Apprentice. Do you believe in Yourself? If you happen to be Me, the answer is "yes." I believe in Me, Myself and I, Donald J. Trump, who was conceived in defiance of the rhythm method, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, suffered under Spy Magazine, was elected, glorified, and televised; if you’re not Me, you’d be better off dead.

Latin Americans

EXT, Parking Lot - Day
Roving reporter addresses camera.

Reporter: I'm standing outside Home Depot. The scene I see before me is repeated across this country. 

Camera pans to reveal ...

Toga-wearing Romans, lined up, waiting for jobs. The experienced old pros hold signs in English, the newcomers' signs are in Latin.

Reporter: Latin Americans. Willing to work. And willing to work for less. To some, it's an opportunity, to others a threat. 

A bearded Professor runs into the frame.

Professor: Of course it's a threat! Look at this toga party! You might as well call it Rome Depot!

Reporter: But why is that a threat to you?

Professor: Because ... it's not fair, is it? Just look at him!

Reporter: Who?

Professor: (pointing) Him! The smug creep with the leaves around his head. I'm an adjunct professor at a local community college. He's a philosopher and a master of rhetoric! How can I compete with that toga-wearing bastard? 

Reporter: You seem personally insulted.

Professor. I am! And he insulted me! He had the nerve to ask me what an "anacoluthon" was! I had no idea, but who cares? 

Roman: An anacolothon is an abrupt shift in the structure of a sentence indicating an interruption or different train of thought.

Professor: I teach impromptu public speaking, not ... go back to Rome! 

Roman: What is Rome?

Professor: You're bad for this country! 

Roman: But what is the good? 

Professor: Not you! 

Reporter: Economically, the threat is more than rhetorical. The impact on the local construction industry has been profound. 

INT, Developer's Trailer - Day

Developer: I wanted an aqueduct, OK? Every contractor I spoke to just laughed in my face. But these fellas rolled up their robes and got to work — man, they built me an aqueduct in less than a week! About a month later, I wanted a road. FDOT said it was impossible. These Romans said "Non forsit." They got 'er done! In days!

Reporter: And what about the sport of boxing?

INT, boxing ring arena. A Boxer stands in the corner.

Sound (OS) Ding!

The Boxer stands up. A Gladiator appears and runs him through.

Wizard, Shmizard, Tin Man, Shminman

INT, WIZARD OF OZ THRONE ROOM
The Wizard has now revealed himself. Dorothy and friends surround him. The Wizard holds a sack full of junk and addresses the Tin Man. 

Wizard: Well, my galvanized friend. In consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure in presenting you with a small token of our . . .

Reaches into bag and pulls out heart-shaped watch. Tin Man takes it.

Tin Man: Seriously? What the hell is that?
Oz: A heart.
Tin Man: Thanks.

Throws watch across room. It shatters.

Tin Man: I don’t need a f***ing heart.
Scarecrow: Actually, I think it was a watch.
Tin Man: I don’t need a f***ing watch.
Lion: Well what do you need?

Music up. Wizard rolls his eyes.

Scarecrow: Yes. Explain it to us in a song!
Wizard: Yes, please. You already did in the second act. But please, explain it again.
Tin Man: Happy to oblige.

He starts singing …

Tin Man: A tinsmith built my body
But his work was kind of shoddy
He left out a vital part
He thought that sex was naughty
So I can’t attract a hottie
Because I lack a schlong.

If I had the right equipment
I’d deliver on the shipment
That makes ‘em sigh and moan.
I’d be Mister Heavy Metal.
I’d be banging like a kettle.
If I only had a schlong.

Scarecrow: Gee. I always thought …

Tin Man: People ask me “Are you gay?”
Then they’ll say that, “It’s OK.”
But they’ve really got it wrong.
The tinsmith also left out balls.
I’m not anything at all.
If I only had a schlong!

Dance number, instrumental. 

Tin Man: I’d be Mars, and she’d be Venus
If I only …

Wizard: Stop singing. Please. Take this … Just take it.

Hands him a box.

Tin Man: What’s in the box?
Wizard: A mechanical device.
Tin Man: What kind of device?
Wizard: Well, Dorothy wouldn’t know that because she’s only sixteen.
Dorothy: The hell I wouldn’t.
Tin Man: But you know, right?
Wizard: No.
Tin Man: Why not?
Wizard: Because I only know what she knows! It’s obvious, you idiots!
Tin Man: Not to me.
Wizard: Listen, morons. This is all her dream. 
Tin Man: Wha…?
Wizard: We all exist in Dorothy’s head, get it? She’s real — we’re not.
Scarecrow: That’s metaphysically confusing, Wizard.
Wizard: Tell me about it.
Scarecrow: And logically inconsist—
Wizard: Shut up, strawhead! Just get the hell out of here, OK? All of you!
Tin Man: Fine by me. 
Scarecrow: (to Tin Man) Say, you wanna trade that “device” for my diploma?
Tin Man: F*** off.

Walks out. Dorothy takes his arm.

Philip K. Duck

Let us now pause to remember the most amazingly prolific duck SF writer who ever lived. Philip K. Duck's novels included ...

The Asshole in the High Castle
The Three Smegmata of Drumpfer Shmendrick
The Quack in Space
Udick
Through a Spammer Darkly 
Counter Cock World
Election of a Crap Artist
Do Android Farmers Screw Electric Sheep?
Galactic Pot-Dealer
Radio Free Albumen
WEEVIL 

Thanks and a hattip to Bobby London for several Dick related puns.