Seinfeld in Hell

INT - HELL - LAKE OF FIRE

JERRY SEINFELD does his monologue before a packed crowd of DEMONS sitting down at little round tables sipping drinks.

JERRY: So, I'm burning in the lake of fire. I don't mind telling you people, it's hot.

Waits for laugh. nothing.

JERRY: It's called observational comedy people, just doing my job. And I think the observation holds true. Hell is hot. It's hot! And, I've got news for you. It's not freezing over. I don't think that's ever going to happen. Who started that rumor? I came here with the highest of expectations. Abandon all hope? Not this cutting-edge yet non-threatening dead comedian. My glass is half full. Not half empty. Oh yeah. So, I'm there in the somewhat unpleasant Lake of Fire. I keep telling myself: "One of these days, hell is gonna freeze over. Just the law of averages." Didn't happen. A thousand years. Ten thousand years. I'm waiting for Nancy Kerrigan to come skating by. Hey, at this point, I'd settle for Tanya Harding.

No laugh.

JERRY: So ... OK ... I'm waiting. I'm hoping. The freezing thing just didn't happen. No ice skating. I've pretty much given up on that. Hope? Yeah, I've abandoned it. I know, I know. The big sign when you come in pretty much tells you that. Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. It's like those signs at the airport. Don't leave your bag unattended. Don't accept any packages from terrorists. Check your hope at the door. It's very specific! But I have to find out for myself. OK, now what? I found out, people. No hope. So what do I do now? How exactly do I pass the time? What do other people do? What exactly is it that you're supposed to do in the Lake of Fire?

AUDIENCE: Suffer!

JERRY: Sure. Lotta suffering going on. Lotta suffering. What else?

AUDIENCE: More suffering!

JERRY: OK, OK. Good. Apart from the suffering? I'm going with sweat. Yeah, lotsa sweat. You sweat. You scream. You think. Me? I'm thinking ... what's the deal with Satan? I mean, talk about your power of persuasion. That war in heaven thing. How'd he talk you into it?

Glass shatters (O.S.)

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. I know it's a sore subject. You lost, big time. Oh yeah. Satan, zero. God, infinity.That's kinda like America and the whole Vietnam War thing. Hey, I get it. I'm just wondering. Seriously. How'd he talk you into it? You didn't see that coming? I mean ... what was the pitch? (does whispering voice) "Hey, guys. God's omniscient, omipresent, omnipotent, and he sees the future before it even happens. He knows what we're thinking. He knows what we're gonna do before we do it. What say we start a war in heaven? I think we can take Him!"

A DEMON appears with a pitchfork.

JERRY: Yeah, I get it. Back to the Lake of Fire right? Rigght. See, that's exactly why I don't do political material. George knows what I'm talking about. Right George?

GEORGE: (O.S.) Go to Hell, Jerry.

JERRY: Already there.

DEMON pokes JERRY with pitchfork.

JERRY: Enough with the poking already.

GEORGE: (shouting O.S.) This is all your fault, Jerry! I told you what to do! Kiss up to the audience! Make them feel superior. It always works!

JERRY: Goodnight people.

GEORGE: You were supposed to say, "Here I am in the Lake of Fire. You know what I'm thinking? 'Now I know what a french fry feels like. I always wondered.'" I told you to go with that! It's safe material!

JERRY: Well, it's not exactly good. And you're not exactly people. But you know what I'm saying.

GEORGE: You coulda got me outta here!

JERRY: You've been a beautiful audience.

The DEMON marches him off.

Nitroglycerin

(to the tune of Bush's "Glycerine")

I was a grunt
In a chemistry lab
They treated me bad
Soon they'll be on a slab
They fired my ass
So I'm seeking revenge
Gonna blow 'em away
From here to Stonehenge

Nitroglycerin
It's soluable in tolulene
Nitroglyc —
Nitroglycerin

The girl at the front
Had very nice tits
Wouldn't look my way
So I'll blow her bits
Oh, I'm a creep
Well that's just fine
I've got primer cord
And lots of time

Nitroglycerin
It's soluable in tolulene
Nitroglyc —
Nitroglycerin

The Yogi Bear Sutra

Yogi, Yogi

Great is this bear, shining in mindfulness
Beyond measure is the capacity of his knowing
The streams of his thought
Vastly exceed the mental capacity of a common creature of his species

Yogi, Yogi

Great is this bear, hungry yet ceaselessly active
A bear who is everywhere

Yogi, Yogi

When the Ranger is irritated
The bear is there
In the tables where nourishment is consumed
The bear is there
Consuming more gross material sustenance
Than a common creature of his species

Yogi, Yogi

Great is this bear, Lord of meditation
Marvelous in action, yet fathomless in repose

Yogi, Yogi

For inestimable kalpas this bear will sleep
Even as Arjuna’s blazing chariot crosses the sky
This bear will remain in deep samadhi
Until Arjuna reaches the midpoint of his journey's arc
Then, with sudden and furious energy
The bear will act
All the baskets of nourishment
In the earthly realm of recreation whose name is Jellystone
Will be within the bear’s possession
Before Arjuna's blazing chariot has left the sky

Yogi, Yogi

Great is this bear, felicitous in action
Devourer of bad karma

Yogi, Yogi

Great is this bear, his richness of mind is beyond all earthly wealth
Truly, his thought streams
Are greater in capacity than a common creature of his species

Yogi, Yogi

Great is this bear, limitless in thought, unstoppable

Yogi, Yogi, Yogi

X-Files Scooby Doo.

Be nice if the X-Files and Scooby Doo switched plots ...

INT, WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

SHAGGY: Gee, this warehouse is creepy!

SCOOBY: Reh! Reepy!

FRED: OK, gang. (shouting) Another mystery, solved! (turns on light)

The light reveals a sickening scene. The warehouse is filled with jars of dead alien fetuses. Fred doesn't see it yet.

FRED: OK, Old Mill Keeper. I know you're in there! You can take off your mask now!

SHAGGY: Like, I don't think that's the Old Mill Keeper. It looks more like lotsa dead alien fetuses.

FRED: Dead alien ... (he looks) Ohmygod! (he chokes)

SCOOBY: Reh! Rohmyrod! (vomits)

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: "Rod" can't help you now. (nods head)

Men in white coats grab SCOOBY.

SCOOBY: Roh! Relp!

The Scooby Gang advances. Two thugs in black trenchcoats immediately raise machine guns. The Scooby Gang stops in their tracks, helpless.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Take him away.

The men in white coats take SCOOBY away. The dudes with machine guns keep the Scooby Gang in their sites.

SCOOBY: Ry rate roo!

SHAGGY: What are you, like, doing with Scooby?

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Scooby will be destroyed.

VELMA: Destroyed? You can't destroy Scooby!

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Apparently, I can.

VELMA: It's not right.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: It's necessary.

DAPHNE: Why?

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Scooby is — was — an experiment. Nothing more. Clearly, his speech processing is defective. We'll keep trying. As for you kids ... Well, you can't make an intelligent, talking canine assassin without breaking eggs, can you? (to thugs) You know what to do.

GO TO BLACK.

OPEN — INT — ABANDONED SALT MINE
MULDER and SCULLY emerge from a rickety cage elevator. They walk through the debris on the mine floor. MULDER shines a flashlight ahead.

MULDER: OK, Scully.

SCULLY: I don't like this Mulder.

MULDER: Hey, I just bought these shoes. I don't like it either.

SCULLY: Where are we going?

MULDER: Area 42.

SCULLY: Area 42? You're kidding.

MULDER: I wish I was. Area 41 is a diversionary tactic, Scully. This is where it really happens. Better duck your head.

SCULLY: Ow!

They enter a dark corridor, walk, emerge. MULDER turns on light. We see an enormous, carved out, rectilinear cavern, the hollow core of the old salt mine. In the center, there's a fucking huge flying saucer, canted on its side.

SCULLY: What am I looking at?

MULDER: Smoke and mirrors, Scully. An alien-human hybrid breeding program that began at the moment of James Carville's birth. They can't hide it any longer. And here's the being responsible —

Shines flashlight at a hideous, organic-looking sack hanging from the cavern's ceiling. Something living is inside. Mulder rips it open. We see a writhing alien -- one of the grays with big black eyes. He reaches for it. Rips off the mask --

MULDER: The Old Mill Keeper!

OLD MILL KEEPER: Yeah, sure! And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

The Nova Song

(to the tune of Tom Petty's "Breakdown")

I’ve got an old Chevy Nova
In Spanish, that means it won’t go
I start to drive, it starts to die
And I get that feeling you know…
It’s going to …

Break down!
Break down on the highway.
Break down!
Break down on the road!
Break down …
It won’t go!

There is no use in pretending
I’m too poor to get triple-A
Everyone hates me
They honk and berate me
And shout 'Get the fuck out the way'
Cause I had to –

Break down!
Break down on the highway.
Break down!
Break down on the road!
Break down …
It won’t go!

X-Files Scooby Doo

Be nice if the X-Files and Scooby Doo switched plots ...

INT, WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

SHAGGY: Gee, this warehouse is creepy!

SCOOBY: Reh! Reepy!

FRED: OK, gang. (shouting) Another mystery, solved! (turns on light)

The light reveals a sickening scene. The warehouse is filled with jars of dead alien fetuses. Fred doesn't see it yet.

FRED: OK, Old Mill Keeper. I know you're in there! You can take off your mask now!

SHAGGY: Like, I don't think that's the Old Mill Keeper. It looks more like lotsa dead alien fetuses.

FRED: Dead alien ... (he looks) Ohmygod! (he chokes)

SCOOBY: Reh! Rohmyrod! (vomits)

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: "Rod" can't help you now. (nods head)

Men in white coats grab SCOOBY.

SCOOBY: Roh! Relp!

The Scooby Gang advances. Two thugs in black trenchcoats immediately raise machine guns. The Scooby Gang stops in their tracks, helpless.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Take him away.

The men in white coats take SCOOBY away. The dudes with machine guns keep the Scooby Gang in their sites.

SCOOBY: Ry rate roo!

SHAGGY: What are you, like, doing with Scooby?

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Scooby will be destroyed.

VELMA: Destroyed? You can't destroy Scooby!

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Apparently, I can.

VELMA: It's not right.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: It's necessary.

DAPHNE: Why?

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Scooby is — was — an experiment. Nothing more. Clearly, his speech processing is defective. We'll keep trying. As for you kids ... Well, you can't make an intelligent, talking canine assassin without breaking eggs, can you? (to thugs) You know what to do.

GO TO BLACK.

OPEN — INT — ABANDONED SALT MINE
MULDER and SCULLY emerge from a rickety cage elevator. They walk through the debris on the mine floor. MULDER shines a flashlight ahead.

MULDER: OK, Scully.

SCULLY: I don't like this Mulder.

MULDER: Hey, I just bought these shoes. I don't like it either.

SCULLY: Where are we going?

MULDER: Area 42.

SCULLY: Area 42? You're kidding.

MULDER: I wish I was. Area 41 is a diversionary tactic, Scully. This is where it really happens. Better duck your head.

SCULLY: Ow!

They enter a dark corridor, walk, emerge. MULDER turns on light. We see an enormous, carved out, rectilinear cavern, the hollow core of the old salt mine. In the center, there's a fucking huge flying saucer, canted on its side.

SCULLY: What am I looking at?

MULDER: Smoke and mirrors, Scully. An alien-human hybrid breeding program that began at the moment of James Carville's birth. They can't hide it any longer. And here's the being responsible —

Shines flashlight at a hideous, organic-looking sack hanging from the cavern's ceiling. Something living is inside. Mulder rips it open. We see a writhing alien -- one of the grays with big black eyes. He reaches for it. Rips off the mask --

MULDER: The Old Mill Keeper!

OLD MILL KEEPER: Yeah, sure! And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

Hollywood Special Olympics

EXT - DAY

BUGS BUNNY leans against a sign, gnawing on a carrot and obscuring the sign. "Chariots of Fire" theme plays. A line-up of mentally challenged people from top dollar Hollywood film runs into frame from right to left: LENNY (from Of Mice and Men) CHARLIE GORDON (from Charly), FORREST GUMP (from, duh, Forrest Gump), RAINMAN (from Rainman) - etc.

BUGS watches patiently, then steps away from the sign.

The sign says: BRIDGE OUT.

We hear a splash. BUGS looks at us.

BUGS: Ain't I a stinker?