I dreamed I saw Joe Hill ...

Throughout America, a populist revolution has begun.

INT, IWW MEETING HALL -- 1999.

Alive as you and me, JOE HILL addresses a riled-up audience of WORKERS. They're all named Joe.

JOE HILL: Workers of America! The time has come to eliminate minimum wage!

JOE SHMOE: You tell 'em, Joe.

JOE HILL: The time has come to tell our bosses -- "You can do anything you want." They wanna ship our factories to China? I say let 'em!

Applause.

JOE HILL: It's their dang factories. Am I right?

Applause.

JOE SHMOE: You're right, Joe!

JOE DOKES: You tell it like it is Joe!

JOE HILL: You and me and him -- we've worked hard all our lives! Now we got nothing. So what? The bosses cheated us fair and square!

JOE BLOW: And how, Joe! And how!

JOE SIXPACK: They looted my pension fund! I shoulda been payin' more attention!

JOE HILL: Yeah, you shoulda, Joe. We all shoulda. Look at me! I'm 54 years old. (flexes his arm) I got lotsa strength left in me -- and I can't get a job. It's my own damn fault! I shoulda taken night school! I shoulda had rich parents!

Applause.

JOE HILL: I ain't had none of that. You know what I had? A job! Least I thought I had it. Guess that makes me a shithead.

JOE DOKES: Guess it does, Joe.

Laughter.

JOE HILL: I worked my heart out for 30 years! You know what that got me? My boss fired my ass and gave me a gold watch! Not just me, understand. He laid off 50,000 people -- right off the line -- working folks like you and me. His stock valuation shot up 150%. What do you call that?

WORKERS: A cover story in Forbes!

JOE HILL: That's it, brother. Ain't my picture on the cover. Forbes don't print pictures of losers like me. I ain't no cover boy. Is that my boss' fault?

WORKERS: Hell no!

JOE HILL: Did my boss hold a gun to my head? Did he say, "You ain't taking no math and accounting courses, Joe. You ain't starting a second career as a stockbroker."

WORKERS: No!

JOE HILL: Who screwed up? Me or my boss?

WORKERS: You did, Joe!

JOE HILL: You goddang right I did! My boss -- my former boss -- owns a mega mansion up on the hill. He's got another mansion in Florida -- and yet another in Cali-forny! His 24-year-old trophy wife is dripping with diamonds. He's got 100 vintage cars in his garage. He drives an SUV that's bigger than the shack I live in. Does that make him better than me?

WORKERS: Yes!

JOE HILL: You dang right it does!

Applause.

JOE HILL: There's a ruling class in this here country, don't let anyone tell you different. I'm sure as hell proud of that ruling class! It's the best dang ruling class in the world!

Applause.

JOE HILL: Don't let them NPR eggheads fool you with their dang doubletalk. They try to make it complicated. It ain't complicated! There's good choices and bad choices, it's just that simple. Being rich is a goddamn decision. You make the right choices, you make money. You do what I did and you did and we all did, you get the shit end of the stick!

Applause.

JOE HILL: The choice what's staring us in the face today ain't complicated. It's as simple as a shotgun barrel. What do you want? It's just that simple. What do you want?

WORKERS: You tell us, Joe!

JOE HILL: Government health care. Let's start with that. Is that what you want?

WORKERS: No!

JOE HILL: No. You slobs can do as you see fit. Me? I don't want the almighty state telling me I ain't got the right to die in the gutter! I worked my ass off all my life. One of these days, this ticker's gonna give out. Pretty soon, I'm gonna get old! Who's gonna take care of me? The government?

WORKERS: No!

JOE HILL: Hell, no! I don't want the government's money! I shoulda been saving my own money! I'd rather die than take the government's money. That's my health care plan!

Applause.

JOE HILL: Do we want socialism?

WORKERS: No!

JOE HILL: Do we want Social Security?

WORKERS: No!

JOE HILL: Do we want Medicare?

WORKERS: No!

JOE HILL: What do we want?

WORKERS: A balanced budget!

JOE HILL: What do we want?

WORKERS: No more Mexicans!

JOE HILL: What do we want?

WORKERS: Lower taxes for rich people!

JOE HILL: What do we want?

WORKERS: A President who keeps his pecker in his pants!

JOE HILL: What do we want?

WORKERS: A laissez-faire economy based on a syncretistic interpretation of the principles of Milton Friedman and Ayn Rand!

JOE HILL: That's right, people! I don't know about you, but from where I'm sitting, looks like it's time to start jawing and time to take this message to the streets. Are you with me?

They roar with approval.

JOE HILL: Let's go!

The crowd of WORKERS boils into the streets, destroying the Nanny State forever.

REPUBLICHRIST

INT, MEGACHURCH - DAY
Smug, fat RICH GUY sitting in pew with his corn-fed, beefy family.

ANNOUNCER: (OS) You’re rich. You love the Bible. You just can’t stand what it says.

INT, LUXURY HOTEL ROOM
RICH GUY flips through Gideon’s Bible. Reacts with disgust

RICH GUY: Blessed are the poor? Eye of the needle … held all their goods in common? (throws Bible) Who wrote the goddamn Bible, Karl Marx?

ANNOUNCER: Good goddamn question. As far as we can tell, some first-century commies filled the Bible with pinko propaganda.

INT, CATACOMBS - NIGHT
A huddle of dirty FIRST-CENTURY COMMIES writing on scrolls.
COMMIE #1: If you own two coats, give one away.
COMMIE #2: Love it, comrade!
They chortle with Marxist delight.

ANNOUNCER: Well, we’ve taken the propaganda out! The New Republican Bible corrects all those errors. Here’s a dramatization of the Sermon on the Mount featuring the new, improved Republichrist!

HILL ON JERUSALEM – 1^st century AD
A limo pulls up. REPUBLICHRIST steps out, wearing a three-piece suit that costs more than most people’s homes. Crowd reacts with astonishment at this shiny anachronism.

REPUBLICHRIST: (striding to shaded platform at top of hill) How you doing, how you doing. Good to see you people. OK. Let’s get through these bullet points. (looks at teleprompter) Could somebody …?

REPUBLICHRIST snaps fingers. A FLUNKY turns on the teleprompter.

REPUBLICHRST: Great. OK ... Blessed are ...

Coughs. Snaps fingers. FLUNKY hands him chilled bottle of Perrier. REPUBLICHRIST drinks. Gives winning smile to crowd. Continues.

REPUBLICHRIST: Blessed are the rich in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of stuff.
     Blessed are those with a positive attitude for they shall get more stuff.
     Blessed are the strong, for they shall kick the crap out of the meek.
     And take their stuff.
     Blessed are those who are filled with their own self-righteousness.
     For they shall always be right.
     Blessed are the well-armed, for they shall defend their homes.
     Blessed are the war-makers, for they shall make others see God.
     Blessed are those who persecute
     ‘Cause God loves a winner.
     Blessed are those who don’t take any crap and get their reward now.
     For this is heaven on earth for those …

Stops. Pager vibrating. Checks it out. Looks irritated.

REPUBLICHRIST: (muttering) Herod again. Needy bastard. (to crowd) Hey, I gotta run, people. It’s been real. (to FLUNKY) Move those t-shirts, OK?

LEPER rushes REPUBLICHRIST.

LEPER: Heal me!

A FLUNKY beats the crap out of the LEPER with a nightstick. Throws nightstick away with disgust.

REPUBLICHRIST: (low voice to FLUNKY) Thanks. Give him a t-shirt, OK?  Maybe the tape series.

Waves goodbye to crowd. They cheer.

The New Devil's Dictionary

The New Devil's Dictionary of Modern American Usage
(with apologies to Ambrose Bierce)

Government, Politics & Civil Order

Armed forces: A government make-work program in which unemployable, unskilled young men and women from the lower strata of society emerge from their term of service with a high degree of skill in shooting people and blowing things up.

War on drugs: A conflict in which the government attempts to shoot and blow up the highly-skilled, underclass people who are shooting and blowing each other up in their efforts to sell the drugs which the government has previously sold them.

Drugs: Mind-altering substances which people, either rich or poor, take so they don't have to think about the depressing shit I'm talking about here.

Illegal Drugs: Untaxed drugs.

Drug treatment: Treatment for rich people can be very expensive, involving rehabilitation clinics and highly trained medical professionals. Treatment for poor people is even more expensive and involves prison, vicious beatings and buggery.

Human rights abuse: An outrage perpetrated by a country or political faction I disagree with.

Free enterprise: Socialism for the rich.

Socialism: Capitalism for the nomenklatura.

Terror: A tool employed by fringe groups to get free time on television.

Pork: Government money that someone else got.

Religious tax exemption: A means by which the government subsidizes religious institutions with successful building programs.

Insurance: A subsidy for the stupid, risk-taking behavior of rich people paid for by poor and working class people.

Foreign policy: This consists of sending poor and working class people to various foreign countries to shoot angry brown people as a way of subsidizing the wealthier percentage of the population with jobs in the defense industry.

United States energy policy: Shooting Arabs until the Middle East runs out of oil.

Public education: Jails for children which allow their parents to go to work. Also, educational institutions. (archaic)

Private education: Institutions by which the natural arrogance and cruelty of the upper classes is refined. They also teach Latin and Rugby.

Weapons development: An ongoing process in which the defense industry makes military technology increasingly complicated, unreliable, expensive and harder to use. (See upgrade.)

War: An ongoing miniseries in which the American military kicks the shit out of various dirtbag countries in order to get free photo-ops for their latest weapons systems on CNN.

PAC: An acronym for "Political Action Committee." An organization which prevents political action.

Republican: Somebody with money who thinks the government should write his corporation big checks. Believes in the principle of borrow and spend.

Democrat: Somebody without money who thinks the government should write him big checks. Believes in the principle of tax and spend.

Libertarian: Republican who smokes pot and doesn't want any government checks.


Religion and Philosophy

Religion: A multilevel marketing scheme combining a belief in the supernatural with a successful building program.

Cult: A multilevel marketing scheme combining a belief in the supernatural with an unsuccessful building program.

Scientology: Former cult now boasting a successful building program, airhead Hollywood spokespeople and numerous unmarked graves.

UFO Cult: A belief system which holds advanced extraterrestrial civilizations developed faster-than-light travel as a means of crossing the universe and sticking things up people's butts.

Moral highground: A convenient place for crucifixions.

New Age Thought: Neither thought nor new.


Free Speech, Art & Popular Culture

Popular Culture: Fads stolen from the real culture of black people and sold to white people.

Free Speech: When I call you a dickhead.

Hate Speech: When you call me a dickhead.

Libel/Slander: When I sue you for calling me a dickhead.

News: Advertiser press releases rewritten in the third person.

Freedom of the Press: The inalienable right to print whatever the advertiser tells you.

Investigative reporting: Negative articles about businesses and individuals who don't advertise.

Political reporting: Occasional filler between articles about advertisers.

Intellectual property: Ideas, music and images stolen by white people from black people without good lawyers.

Post-modernism: A literary and philosophical movement whose adherents have cast off the mind-forged manacles that prevented them from being long winded, unclear and dull.

Appropriate: A post-modernist term for plagiarism.

Eclectic Art: Bad art. A term used by art critics who don't want to say "bad art." (See Eclectic Artist)

Avant-garde: That percentage of the population dressing like it was Greenwich Village in 1955 or Paris in 1870.

Alternative: Teenagers and people in their early twenties who dress like each other.

Hippie: A popular subculture of the late 60s-mid 70s denoted by bad frayed clothing in combinations of earth tones and cotton and the use of mellowing, mood-altering drugs.

Punk: A popular subculture of the late 70s-mid 80s denoted by bad ripped clothing in combinations of black and leather and the use of stimulating, mind-altering drugs.

Goth: A popular subculture of the 90s, similar to punk but 10 years younger and more catatonic.

Left-wing intellectual: Somebody who swallows his or her opinions whole from "Mother Jones."

Right-wing intellectual: Somebody who swallows his or her opinions whole from "National Review" and the "Weekly Standard."

Rational discourse: Left-wing and right wing intellectuals screaming at each other in scripted dustups with all the spontaneity of championship wrestling.


Professions & Gainful Employment

Eclectic Artist: Bad artist.

Naive Artist: Not-so-naive artist who pretends to be bad because crappy art sells.

Art Director: A bad artist who, in sympathy to other bad artists, fills their publication with bad art.

Performance Artist: A stand-up comedian who isn't funny.

Ad Agent: The only human being capable of bending over and kissing his or her own privates.

Politician: The only human being capable of being over and kissing his or her own anus.

Spin Doctor: A cross between a politician and an ad agent. Can spin around and kiss anything.

Journalist: A j-school graduate trained to do search-and-replace in advertiser press releases. (see Newspaper.)

Fiction writer: A writer who believes in the fiction of a successful career as a fiction writer.

Sex Worker: Honest whore.

Golddigger: Dishonest whore.

White House Intern: Honest political whore.

Lobbyist: Dishonest political whore

Fashion industry: A form of employment for gay men with design skills and young women with eating disorders.

Advertising Agency: A place giving employment to either failed or aspiring writers and visual artists willing to suck their own privates or anybody elses.

Restaurant: A place giving employment to failed or aspiring actors and directors.

Newspaper: An advertising agency employing writers and visual artists too ashamed to admit they're in the advertising business. (See News.)

Editorial Department: As distinct from the advertising department. That portion of the newspaper staff devoted to up-to-the-minute interviews, articles and reporting concerning the advertisers.

University: A place providing employment to actors and directors too clumsy to work in restaurants and writers who can't get work at ad agencies and newspapers because they can't write. As of this writing, continued funding for university positions for bad photographers and visual artists who can't paint or draw remains in doubt.

English Department: That subsection of the humanities department in which English teachers, when they aren't drinking or smoking pot, teach their students to be English teachers in order to teach the next generation of English Teachers, and so on.

Government: An entity providing employment for right wing firebrands attempting to eliminate government.

Walt Disney Corporation: A hellish realm where writers, voice character actors and visual artists cursed with too much talent are forced to begger and bugger themselves to Satan on a daily basis. A constant source of wholesome entertainment for kids of all ages.


Science & Industry

Leading Edge Technology: Stuff that doesn't work yet.

Product Development: Originally, corporations designing and testing products until they work. Now, convincing people to buy shit that doesn't work so they can keep paying the engineers until somebody figures out who fucked up. Eventually, this results in products which work -- after which the product line or industry standard is discontinued.

Product Support: A means by which corporations charge you money to fix their mistakes.

Product Help Line: A person from India you can't talk to who doesn't help.

Upgrade: When software developers improve their products by making them worse.


Miscellaneous

Asshole: Metaphorically, a term for any other driver who drives the way you do.

© March 1999-February 2000

Cursed Unlucky Charms

Two CHILDREN chase a LEPRECHAUN, who's holding a cereal box. A FAT BOY watches them in horror.

BOY: Catch that leprechaun! He's got Lucky Charms!

FAT BOY: Are you out of your f**king minds? That's the evil leprechaun. Those are Cursed Unlucky Charms!

LEPRECHAUN: Ah, the little shites. Always after me Cursed Unlucky Charms.

FAT BOY slaps the other BOY. The little GIRL looks on stupidly.

FAT BOY: Run!

BOY: You mean after him?

GIRL: That's what we were doing!

FAT BOY: No, you stupid bimbo! Not after him! Away from him! As far as you can get!

They stand there stupidly.

FAT BOY: Run, you morons! That leprechaun's a killer! Run for your f**king lives! Just look at him!

The kids look. The LEPRECHAUN gestures over the cereal box. Evil charms telekinetically fly out.

LEPRECHAUN: Orange skulls. Green daggers. Red severed hearts. Hands of glory!

A corpse hand flies out with flaming fingers.

GIRL: Oh my God ...

FAT BOY: Get the f**king picture? Run!

They run.

LEPRECHAUN: It's all part of me complete breakfast!

The children run.

GIRL: I don't see him.

BOY: I think we got away.

FAT BOY: That's what they always think! Keep running! For the love of God keep running!

LEPRECHAUN: The last sodding breakfast they'll ever eat. I'll do them up a treat.

The children keep running.

LEPRECHAUN: I'll make a rainbow!

He gestures. A rainbow appears, arcing up from the earth.

FAT BOY: Run! Don't stop.

INT - AIRPLANE COCKPIT - 747

PILOT: This is Delta Niner Four on approach vector.

COPILOT: What the --

The cockpit floods with impossible, multicolored brightness.

PILOT: Mayday! Mayday--

The rainbow sheers into the cockpit, slicing off the front section of the plane like a giant razor. The cockpit flies off in one direction. The rest of the severed 747 plummets in a vicious spiral, its passengers screaming.

FAT BOY: Run!

BOY: I really think we're safe now--

The plane hits the fleeing children, burning them alive in an enormous fireball.

LEPRECHAUN: (watching the horrific scene with malignant glee) Cursed Unlucky Charms. They're tragically malicious!

Soylent Green

Soylent Green
(to the tune of "Silent Night")

Soylent Green
It's obscene
Corpses thrown into a machine
Ground to green crackers soon they are
Charleton Heston cries, "Oh, my God!
Soylent Green is people!
Soylent Green is people!"

Hue and Cry Car Alarums

EXT, STREET, NIGHT

A CAR THIEF tries to jimmy the door of a car. A car alarm goes off.

CAR THIEF: Shit.

CAR: Eeep! Eeep! Eeep! Eeep!

Lights go on. Windows fly open up and down the street.

MAN IN NIGHTGOWN: Halloo! Stop thief!

The CAR THIEF runs.

Various neighbors boil from various houses.

NEIGHBORS: Stop! Thief!

They give chase to the CAR THIEF.

ANNOUNCER: Hue and Cry Car Alarums. Waking up the whole neighborhood. Like anyone gives a shit about your car.

Acid Casualty Insurance

Jeff Bridges appears as the Dude character from "The Big Lebowski." He's holding an open carton of milk. He looks around with confusion, then notices the camera.

THE DUDE: Hey, man. This is the Dude for Acid Casualty Insurance. They’re, like, paying me money to talk about it. But, man, you know, I really believe in it, so I’d talk about it anyway. Even ... you know ... if they didn't give me money. But I’ll take their money, man. I'm not saying that. I'll definitely take their money. So, OK, man. Anyway. The existential deal is ... You need insurance, man. Why do you need insurance? Well, like, shit happens. Bad shit. Bad things happen to good people, man. Bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen, OK? Like especially when you’re tripping. Like that time I did a hit of windowpane and – but I don’t want to get off the subject, man. I want to keep this, like linear. My point is ... Bad things happen, that’s the point, man. That’s why there’s insurance. You ever thought about insurance? Like, really, you know. Insurance. Think about it. Like, grok it, man. Grok insurance. It’s, like, you’re making a bet with God that something bad is going to happen to you, man. If you die, man, then, like, you win. But if you lose, man, then you’re like, not dead, OK? So, it’s like you win either way. So get insurance, man. Get it from us, OK? Listen, man. At Acid Casualty Insurance, you can’t be turned down for any reason. I'm serious, man. Any reason. We’re acid heads, man. We insure the old, the sick. We insure imaginary characters, man. We’ll insure you if you’re already dead. Call this number, man. I’m pointing to it.

The number appears. He's actually pointing in the wrong place.

THE DUDE: I can’t, like really see it, but they told me they’d put it in later. Peace.