Nazi Track

Montage of American fitness fads.

ANNOUNCER: Today, more than ever before, people are looking for an exercise that will give them total cardiovascular fitness. 60 years ago, a group of people in Germany found it. We remember them today as Nazis.

EXT, GERMAN STREET - DAY.

Grainy black and white footage. Hitler screaming from a balcony.

HITLER: Seig heil! Ich bin ein schmeckle!

ANNOUNCER: Yes, in their desire to create a perfect race, the Nazis invented the perfect exercise. They called it "goose-stepping."

HITLER: Heil! Stompin-zie! Stompin-zie!

CROWD: Heil!

The crowd goes goose-stepping and seig-heiling down the street.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, of course, the Nazis laid waste to most of Europe and North Africa and killed millions of people in blind obedience to a psychotic, genocidal, cult of personality. But they were amazingly physically fit! Goose-stepping was the secret – as many people still know today!

EXT, ALLEY - NIGHT

Shot of crazed SKINHEAD, goose-stepping on broken bottles in his bare feet.

SKINHEAD: I do it all the time!

INT, GYM - DAY

VALLEY GIRL goose-stepping around various angry people working out.

VALLEY GIRL: Yah. Goose-stepping's like totally the secret. It's bitchin! But like people get all bummed out when I do that?

MAN: Stop doing that! You stoopid Nazi bimbo!

TRAINER: Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

MAN: Yeah! See you later, Nazi!

Talking to the camera as the TRAINER gives her the bum's rush.

VALLEY GIRL: Like, I don’t even know what a Nazi is, whatever! I totally wish I could like to it in my living room!

ANNOUNCER: Well, now you can! With the all-new "Strength Through Joy" Nazi Track, you can enjoy all the cardio and strength benefits of goose-stepping, with the added range of motion of the "seig heil" salute!

Some FAT GUY is working out at the ridiculous NAZI-TRACK contraption. His legs are strapped into giant rubber boots that force him to goose-step. Another pulley device jerks his arms up and down in a perpetual "seig heil" salute.

ANNOUNCER: How does it feel?

FAT GUY: Great! I’m really pumped up! Can I get off now?

ANNOUNCER: No!

FAT GUY: I’m really tired! I think I’m having a heart attack. I want it to stop!

ANNOUNCER: No!

FAT GUY: Please make it stop!

ANNOUNCER: No! You will stop when we tell you to stop! (addresses camera with steadily growing German accent) The same applies to you! You fat American swine, sitting on your couch and watching television! You disgust me! This machine will make you strong, not weak like the others! Order now, you swine! Order now! The number is on your screen!

Caption reads:

CALL-1-800-NZI-TRAK

CALL-1-800-NZI-TRAK OR WE WILL HAVE YOU KILLED!