Vegetable House

INT, DEAN'S OFFICE, FABER COLLEGE - DAY
DEAN WORMER sits at his desk. There's a look of pain on his face. GREG MARMALARD stands next to him. A choir is singing outside his window.(OS)

SMEGMA HOUSE CHOIR (OS)
Have you heard about the animals?
Man, we're worse than cannibals
We eat baby cows, and carve meat from sows
It's a speciest nightmare play!
Vegetable House
Duh-duh
Vegetable House
Duh-duh

DEAN WORMER: Tau Beta Smegma?

GREG MARMALARD: (nods) Yes, sir.

DEAN WORMER: Well, I suppose it's poetic justice.

GREG MARMALARD: I don't know what that means, sir.

DEAN WORMER: Of course you don't, you little shit. You're poli-sci. You don't have to read real books. Let me paint a fucking picture for you.

GREG MARMALARD: Yes, sir.

DEAN WORMER: We kicked the Deltas off campus. Bully for me, bully for you. We replaced them with ... what? With them that's what.

GREG MARMALARD: Tau Beta Smegma.

DEAN WORMER: That's right. They don't drink. They don't smoke. They don't screw. They're vegans!

GREG MARMALARD: What's a vegan?

DEAN WORMER: Like a vegetarian, only worse. Their shit doesn't stink. Literally! They don't eat meat. They don't eat eggs, cheese or honey. If the fucking vegetable truck frightened a fucking flatworm on the way to the market, they don't eat vegetables.

GREG MARMALARD: I see, sir.

DEAN WORMER: No you don't, goddamnit. They're androgynous angels without genitalia. Unlike the fucking Deltas, they're morally superior.

GREG MARMALARD: They're not ...

DEAN WORMER: Of course they're not superior! In their minds, dumbass. They think they're superior.

GREG MARMALARD: I see.

DEAN WORMER: Sure you do.

GREG MARMALARD: Can't we shoot them, sir?

DEAN WORMER: No. Not officially. Please don't shoot them.

GREG MARMALARD: Yes, sir.

SMEGMA HOUSE CHOIR(OS)
Dean Wormer tried to kill a cow.
We said that's bad. Don't do it now.

DEAN WORMER: God, I hate those vegan fuckers. At least the Deltas had balls. You can't grab a fucking eunuch by the balls, can you?

GREG MARMALARD: No, sir.

DEAN WORMER: No. (holding up pencil) I could, on the other hand, jab this delightful Faber Mongol #2 Pencil in my ear and drive it into my brain. But I won't.

GREG MARMALARD: I think that's a wise decision, sir.

DEAN WORMER: I'm glad you do, son. Go fuck yourself.

GREG MARMALARD: Yes, sir.