M.O.T TV

OK. Now that I've insulted two of the world's major monotheistic religions and ethnographic groups, I’ll round out my comedic descent into the 9th circle of PC damnation with a look at M.O.T TV. “M.O.T.” as in "Member of the Tribe." As in, uh, Jewish. Yeah, in the interests of equal time, I’m going out on that limb.

Here’s the 1995 fall line-up!

Terrible Things That Could Happen To You. Someone could break into your house and kill you; if you don't lock your car someone might get in, strangle you from behind; look at this house here, it fell into a sinkhole, imagine what that was like...

What's My Disease?--with narrator, Woody Allen. You have no idea how fragile the human body is: lupus; dengue fever; hemophilia; thrush...I mean, something actually growing on your tongue, it's disgusting; phlebitis....that's what Nixon had in his leg, imagine how humiliating that would be--to have Nixon's disease--how could you tell your friends?; meningitis; AIDS...basically, let's face it, if you haven't lived like Mahatma Gandi for the past 10 years you might have it, you probably have it, it's like living in the Middle Ages...the plague years; and what about Lou Gehrig's disease...I mean he was a great baseball player and he's remembered for a disease; spinda bifuda...I can't look at that anymore...could you get that off the screen, I'm going to be sick...

Look-at-Him: There's a voice-over narrative to everything you see (similar to the Narrative Television Network), except that all narration (which by a purely non-sexist coincidence, honest, happens to be female) is in the 3rd person accusative. As in: "Look at him. He comes in and he just leaves his stuff on the chair. Mr. Bigshot. He doesn't ask his son about his homework. He just sits there reading when everything is falling apart, the house is a pigsty, we can't pay our bills. Typical. He can't be.." etc.

The Donor Show. Names, nothing but names, of all the wonderful people who gave money to the building program at Temple Beth Yourlife. It goes on and on for hours, in alphabetical order, listing names of donors, categories of giving, and then it all repeats. With a special 1-800 number to get the typesetter fired if they spelled your name wrong...

My Child. A gameshow concept similar to "Family Feud," in which contests compete in the nice things they've done for their children.

MODERATOR: And the category is...Summer Camp!

Sound: Dingdingding...

CONTESTANT A: My child went to computer camp...

CONTESTANT B: My child went to computer camp in Israel...

MODERATOR: Clothing! (Dingdingding....)

CON-A: My child has unlimited credit at Lord and Taylor...

CON-B: My child doesn't need that..because we have an English tailor who lives at home--from Saville Row, he's a very nice man...

MODERATOR: Television! (dingdingding...)

CON-A: My child doesn't watch television. We don't have a television in the house!

CON-B: We don't have a television in the house...but my child is actually a star on television...public television--you know Kid's News? They do such a good job, it's a wonderful show, and Josh is the anchorperson. But we don't let it interfere with his schoolwork.

...with help from X3Jane who is truly, deeply Jewish to the bone and insists that her family goes back to Jewish royalty. Is there such a thing as Jewish royalty?