Terrorist Sell

OPEN: Still pic of happy, smiling American child. Camera pulls back.

NARRATOR: Suzie is a lucky child. Her parents love her, give her a good home, give her enough to eat. There are millions like her in America -- but you can help change that. For only a few drachmas a month, you can disrupt a happy American child by financing your very own suicide bomber. Won't you help? Give to Osama bin Laden's "KILL THE CHILDREN FOUNDATION" Together, we...

Go to: INT CAVE

OSAMA watching TV. He clicks it off with clicker.

OSAMA: Somehow this isn't working. We make the appeal but the money isn't coming in. Yet it must be going somewhere...

Go to --

BEEVIS and BUTTHEAD in livingroom filled with money. BEEVIS has his t-shirt around his head and has morphed into CORNHOLIO.

BUTT-HEAD: Look at all this money, huh huh huh. Money's cool.

BEEVIS: I am the great Cornholio! I need some teepee for my bunghole!

BUTT-HEAD: We should like go on a plane and be like pilots or something.

BEEVIS: Are you threatening me?

BUTT-HEAD: Chicks dig pilots....

Back to OSAMA -- he's going through credit card receipts.

OSAMA: 8-27, Lap-dance; 8-28, lap-dance, all night escort service, $600 ATM withdrawl from "Diamond Dolls," $10 bank fee; 8-29, $12.75, box cutters and industrial lubricant Ace Hardware...(whacking receipt) Well that explains it!

ACCOUNTANT: (Woody Allenesque) Begging your pardon your worshipful horribleness, but your humble cringing slave did, uh, make a certain suggestion concerning purchase orders...

OSAMA shoots him.

ACCOUNTANT: Teflon-coated bullets...$59.95 a clip....try getting advice like that from Quickbooks. (he falls dead)

OSAMA: Ah shit, I killed another accountant. And now I'm out of money...wha?

OSAMA reacts as two THUGS drag in what looks like a very old Jon Voight -- none other than MILO MINDERBINDER!

MILO: Allow me to...

OSAMA: Kill him.

MILO: Your loss. (shrugs) It's a simple business proposition. Just hear me out.

OSAMA shrugs to indicated "OK." The THUGS release him.

MILO: I think I see a way out of your cash flow difficulty -- you realize the media exposure you're getting? You can leverage that. Some serious bucks...

OSAMA: Which I will use to kill your brothers and sisters.

MILO: I don't have a problem with that.

YOSSARIAN'S GHOST: (appearing next to MILO) It's all illusion, Milo. (MILO briefly reacts, but ignores ghost)

OSAMA: You would betray your own people?

YOSSARIAN'S GHOST: Numbers, Milo. Just numbers....

MILO winces -- as if an irritating bug is buzzing around his head. MILO seems to sense YOSSARIAN -- makes violent effort to will the ghost out of existence. MILO turns his attention back to OSAMA --

MILO: Hey, it's gonna happen anyway. I might as well take advantage, right? It's called free enterprise.

YOSSARIAN'S GHOST: (fading away) Flesh and blood, Milo, that's what's real. Flesh and...

OSAMA: And what if everyone else thought this way?

MILO: Then I'd be a fool to think any differently.

OSAMA: And this idea?

MILO: Two words.

OSAMA: Two words?

MILO: (with an air of delivering a deal-clinching punchline) Product placement. (He waggles his eyebrows triumphantly)

OSAMA mulls it over. His eyes brighten.

OSAMA: It's so evil, it just might work!

Cut to: commercial for COMFORT INN. INT, room.

TERRORIST plops down on bed.

TERRORIST: Comfortable...and affordable! With rates like this, my only problem is wiring my savings back home!

* * *

INT, plane. Turban-wearing TERRORIST tick-ticking away at Sony Vaio.

PASSENGER: What's on your Sony Vaio?

TERRORIST smiles evilly...

* * *

Cut to: POV of security cam watching TERRORISTS enter airport. One of them holds bag up to camera. We see the label: L.L. Bean.

* * *


Go to -- INT, plane. Two terrorists in reclining seats.

TERRORIST: When you go to meet Allah go first class.

TERRORIST: Go American Airlines!

STEWARDESS places pillow under one of their heads.

* * *

TERRORIST stands in center of baseball stadium -- he's extravagantly wired with dynamite.

TERRORIST: You have made your choice America -- as I have made mine! Now is the time, America!

Cut to -- Large screen video monitor above stadium magnifying his image to giant-size scale as he lifts Pepsi to his mouth and drinks.

TERRORIST: Take the Pepsi challenge!

* * *

Go to -- BRUCE DERN in Goodyear Blimp.

DERN: (reaching for switch on killer dart machine) They're gonna remember me, oh yeah, they're gonna remember me. (turning to camera) If not, remember GOODYEAR -- first in tire performance!

FEMALE TERRORIST: Get the logo in frame, you fool.

Blimp turns, we see logo -- then the blimp fires over stadium -- which the Pepsi Challenge Terrorist has already blown up.

DERN: Ah shit, the Pepsi terrorists got here first.

***

Go to -- flaming grottos of hell. YOSSARIAN's walking around. MILO appears poking away at handheld calculator...

YOSSARIAN: Yeah, I figured you'd get here.

MILO: Is this hell?

YOSSARIAN: Do you want to go to hell?

MILO: Oh God...oh God...I'm gonna be here forever...

YOSSARIAN: I tried to tell you. It's just numbers, Milo. Numbers...

A DEMON appears and offers MILO some chocolate covered cotton.

DEMON: Cotton candy?

MILO takes it, eats. YOSSARIAN walks off, shaking head, and fades away sadly...