The Unknown Power of Presidential Executive Orders

Various right-wing trolls have been bitching about President Clinton's latest executive orders. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Please. You ain't seen nothing yet. These horrors are but the beginning of sorrows, my non-friends. Only the beginning of sorrows. It gets worse ... Much worse.

Seriously, folks. I'm not making this up.

No. And I shall prove it, non-friends.

Behold!

I have in my very hands an absolutely, relatively reliable document detailing Phase #2 of President Clinton's hideous, malign usurpation of basic American rights.

As the mangled Masala said to Ben Hur...

"It goes on. The race goes on..."

So what does the paper say? What future Executive Orders do we have in store? Ahem.

Here goes ...

13072: Seizure of all catch phrases in the United States. Comedy writers will no longer be able to say "Don't go there" or "Tell it to the hand." Chaos will ensue.

13073: Seizure of all battery-powered electric bunny rabbits.

13074: Seizure of all tennis shoes with lights or pumps inside. Regulation "Chuck Taylor" All-Stars issued to all American athletes, both amateur and professional.

13075: Richard Simmons is shot in a special nationwide "Dying to the Oldies" celebration.

13076: Crack S.W.A.T. teams invade Sesame Street and seize the letters "Y" and "K" along with the number "2" thereby solving the Y2K problem.

13077: In a hideous scheme known as "Operation Chinese Fire Drill," government workers are forced to enter the private sector while their private counterparts are forced to work for the government. The government, instantly, becomes streamlined and efficient, but it is now impossible to get a #1 Value Meal at McDonalds without filling out endless forms and enduring an extensive background security check — not to mention the 30-day waiting period ...

13078: In a vicious reversal of our great traditions of independence, the American people are forced to spend time with their families. Corporate executives are prevented from exchanging first wives for trophy wives. On-the-go Yuppie couples are forced to cancel their much-anticipated ski trips, when it turns out they can't put Mom and Dad in "the home" after all.

13079: The Postmaster General is mailed to Tibet — replaced by the lovable mail carrier from "Cheers." Every man, woman, or child entering any United States post office is immediately issued a firearm in the interests of strategic parity.

13080: The government, on second thought, gives all of its airports and aircraft back. To whom? Anybody who wants them.

13081: Smokey the Bear is declared to be a god. His statue is 'erected' at Yellowstone National Park. From that day forward, anyone suspected of starting a fire will be hauled before that statue and sacrificed.

Signed 3, Cunegonde 1998, by President for Life William Jefferson Clinton.