(to the tune of Neil Young's "Keep on Rockin' in the Free World")
There's a whale in the tank
And his name's Shamu
There's a lot of freaky things
That this whale can do
He can jump through hoops, bounce balls off his nose
He can swim in circles, he can tickle your toes
But he'd rather eat penguins, he feels kinda hosed
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
They got a souvenir shop and an ice cream stand
It's all overpriced, and you're forced to stand
The kids are whining 'cause they want to buy shit
You hate this trip and what's become of it
Three hundred bucks and they're screaming "it sucks"
It's another family weekend you cannot get back
Another step closer to your first heart attack
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
Keep on rockin' in Sea World
Tuesday, September 28, 1993
Monday, September 27, 1993
Blessed Insurance
(to the tune of "Blessed Assurance")
Blessed Insurance,
Whole life or term
What we would pay
Reflects what you'd earn
It's a big risk pool
You place your bets
If you drop dead
Your loved ones collect
This is my story, this is my song
Selling insurance, all the day long!
This is my story, this is my song
Selling insurance, all the day long!
Blessed Insurance,
Whole life or term
What we would pay
Reflects what you'd earn
It's a big risk pool
You place your bets
If you drop dead
Your loved ones collect
This is my story, this is my song
Selling insurance, all the day long!
This is my story, this is my song
Selling insurance, all the day long!
Thursday, July 29, 1993
Rage Against the Schween
BILLY -- a SoCal punk in his mid-teens - trucks along listening to a CD on his scratched-up Walkman. He hears a disembodied ANNOUNCER's voice.
ANNOUNCER: Say Billy, what're you doing?
BILLY: Listening to the self-titled "Rage Against the Machine" CD.
ANNOUNCER: Ever wonder where that CD comes from?
BILLY: No.
ANNOUNCER: I'm glad you asked!
A giant robot claw grabs him by the leg and drags him into the next scene.
ANNOUNCER: It comes from the Machine, Billy!
BILLY: Eagggghhhh!
The claw holds BILLY over a giant, cube-like Machine full of moving parts.
ANNOUNCER: Look at it hum, Billy!
BILLY: Put me down!
ANNOUNCER: It's spitting out Rage Against the Machine CDs, Rage Against the Machine T-shirts, Rage Against the Machine bumper stickers, Rage Against the Machine bobbleheads. Isn't that something?
BILLY: I guess.
ANNOUNCER: I don't like your attitude, Billy.
BILLY: OK, uh. Wow that's some Machine!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, it is, Billy. It's making music industry executives and angry leftist frontman Zack de la Rocha rich! But the Machine doesn't run itself, Billy. The Machine must be fed.
BILLY: What do you feed it with?
ANNOUNCER: Why, you Billy!
Tosses him at the Machine. A metal mouth opens up. Swallows Billy.
ANNOUNCER: Goodbye Billy! Remember what happened to Billy, kids.
BILLY: (muffled) Fuck you, disembodied Announcer voice!
ANNOUNCER: "Rage against the machine" all you want. But don't piss the Machine off!
ANNOUNCER: Say Billy, what're you doing?
BILLY: Listening to the self-titled "Rage Against the Machine" CD.
ANNOUNCER: Ever wonder where that CD comes from?
BILLY: No.
ANNOUNCER: I'm glad you asked!
A giant robot claw grabs him by the leg and drags him into the next scene.
ANNOUNCER: It comes from the Machine, Billy!
BILLY: Eagggghhhh!
The claw holds BILLY over a giant, cube-like Machine full of moving parts.
ANNOUNCER: Look at it hum, Billy!
BILLY: Put me down!
ANNOUNCER: It's spitting out Rage Against the Machine CDs, Rage Against the Machine T-shirts, Rage Against the Machine bumper stickers, Rage Against the Machine bobbleheads. Isn't that something?
BILLY: I guess.
ANNOUNCER: I don't like your attitude, Billy.
BILLY: OK, uh. Wow that's some Machine!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, it is, Billy. It's making music industry executives and angry leftist frontman Zack de la Rocha rich! But the Machine doesn't run itself, Billy. The Machine must be fed.
BILLY: What do you feed it with?
ANNOUNCER: Why, you Billy!
Tosses him at the Machine. A metal mouth opens up. Swallows Billy.
ANNOUNCER: Goodbye Billy! Remember what happened to Billy, kids.
BILLY: (muffled) Fuck you, disembodied Announcer voice!
ANNOUNCER: "Rage against the machine" all you want. But don't piss the Machine off!
Wednesday, April 28, 1993
Imagine there's more money
(to the tune of John Lennon's "Imagine")
Imagine there's more money
It's easy if you try
No need for self denial
If you want it, only buy
Imagine all the goodies
We could have today
You may say I'm a schemer
But I'm not the only one
I hope to make a killing
And look out for number one
Imagine there's more money
It's easy if you try
No need for self denial
If you want it, only buy
Imagine all the goodies
We could have today
You may say I'm a schemer
But I'm not the only one
I hope to make a killing
And look out for number one
Friday, April 2, 1993
Instant Prozac
OPEN: Shot of sad-looking WOMAN with a face full of bad.
ANNOUNCER: (OS) Say. Are you experiencing a sense of emptiness and despair? (she nods) Hey, who isn't? If you read the newspaper, it's the logical response.
INT LAB
Tracking shot of ANNOUNCER walking through clean white laboratory with busy SCIENTISTS in white coats doing important shit behind him.
ANNOUNCER: Prozac has been shown to relieve feelings of depression in many patients. But it can often take weeks, even months, before it takes effect. Can you afford to wait that long? Here at EnorMed --
SCIENTISTS: (shouting in unison) We don't want you to wait!
ANNOUNCER: No we don't! That's why our amazingly brainy research team has created new, fast-acting Prozap! With Prozap, you get all the benefits of Prozac and none of the wait. Prozap offers fast relief!
Title: FAST RELIEF!
ANNOUNCER: How fast? Let's try it out on an unhappy young man.
INT - BACKSTAGE AT NIRVANA CONCERT
AUDIO: Thunderously loud grunge music. The opening act.
The members of Nirvana are still backstage. KURT COBAIN is scowling and knocking stuff over.
The ANNOUNCER winks at us and plops a Prozap in an open beer bottle. Then he walks up to KURT COBAIN.
ANNOUNCER: Hey Kurt. Care for a beer?
COBAIN takes the beer and spits in his face and walks away.
ANNOUNCER: What an irrepressible young man.
Sound of beer bottle smashing. (OS)
ANNOUNCER: Let's check out the concert!
CONCERT --
COBAIN is singing "Rape me."
ANNOUNCER: Wow, he seems depressed. But watch what happens!
TITLE: Ten minutes later.
COBAIN is singing "It's a Sunshine Day" and dancing around like a grinning fool. The audience is showering him with bottles, chairs and debris, but he's insanely happy. DAVE GROHL throws down his drumsticks and walks away in disgust. So does the other guy. COBAIN's career is ruined.
ANNOUNCER: Ask your doctor about new, fast-acting Prozap. If it'll work on a grunge musician, it'll work on you!
Go to product shot:
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Prozap, a product of Enormed Pharmaceutical Group. Available only by prescription. Use only as directed.
Fade out, standard disclaimer, etc.
ANNOUNCER: (OS) Say. Are you experiencing a sense of emptiness and despair? (she nods) Hey, who isn't? If you read the newspaper, it's the logical response.
INT LAB
Tracking shot of ANNOUNCER walking through clean white laboratory with busy SCIENTISTS in white coats doing important shit behind him.
ANNOUNCER: Prozac has been shown to relieve feelings of depression in many patients. But it can often take weeks, even months, before it takes effect. Can you afford to wait that long? Here at EnorMed --
SCIENTISTS: (shouting in unison) We don't want you to wait!
ANNOUNCER: No we don't! That's why our amazingly brainy research team has created new, fast-acting Prozap! With Prozap, you get all the benefits of Prozac and none of the wait. Prozap offers fast relief!
Title: FAST RELIEF!
ANNOUNCER: How fast? Let's try it out on an unhappy young man.
INT - BACKSTAGE AT NIRVANA CONCERT
AUDIO: Thunderously loud grunge music. The opening act.
The members of Nirvana are still backstage. KURT COBAIN is scowling and knocking stuff over.
The ANNOUNCER winks at us and plops a Prozap in an open beer bottle. Then he walks up to KURT COBAIN.
ANNOUNCER: Hey Kurt. Care for a beer?
COBAIN takes the beer and spits in his face and walks away.
ANNOUNCER: What an irrepressible young man.
Sound of beer bottle smashing. (OS)
ANNOUNCER: Let's check out the concert!
CONCERT --
COBAIN is singing "Rape me."
ANNOUNCER: Wow, he seems depressed. But watch what happens!
TITLE: Ten minutes later.
COBAIN is singing "It's a Sunshine Day" and dancing around like a grinning fool. The audience is showering him with bottles, chairs and debris, but he's insanely happy. DAVE GROHL throws down his drumsticks and walks away in disgust. So does the other guy. COBAIN's career is ruined.
ANNOUNCER: Ask your doctor about new, fast-acting Prozap. If it'll work on a grunge musician, it'll work on you!
Go to product shot:
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Prozap, a product of Enormed Pharmaceutical Group. Available only by prescription. Use only as directed.
Fade out, standard disclaimer, etc.
Sunday, February 28, 1993
Electric Chainsaw Massacre
EXT, COUNTRYSIDE -- DAY
A leather-faced MANIAC runs after a screaming woman. He's holding an electric chainsaw - the cord trails behind him.
MANIAC: Eh-heh-heh-heh!
WOMAN: Eagghhhhhh!
CHAINSAW: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
MANIAC reaches end of the cord. Back in the barn or someplace, the plug pops out. The chainsaw rattles to a silent stop. MANIAC stands there looking stupid. The WOMAN stops, looks at him. He looks up.
She kicks him in the nuts.
A leather-faced MANIAC runs after a screaming woman. He's holding an electric chainsaw - the cord trails behind him.
MANIAC: Eh-heh-heh-heh!
WOMAN: Eagghhhhhh!
CHAINSAW: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
MANIAC reaches end of the cord. Back in the barn or someplace, the plug pops out. The chainsaw rattles to a silent stop. MANIAC stands there looking stupid. The WOMAN stops, looks at him. He looks up.
She kicks him in the nuts.
Friday, February 26, 1993
American Chainsaw Association
Open: Husband and wife sleeping in bed. Da warm glow of the alarm clock.
SUDDENLY ...
Someone kicks in the door!!!
PSYCHOTIC: Eee-haha-haha! The voices in my head command me. YOU MUST DIE!
Mr. PSYCHOTIC revs up a chainsaw, cackling insanely.
REV-RNNNENNG-RVVVV-REEEEEE!
ALL AMERICAN MALE HOMEOWNER sits up in bed, contemplating his sudden death. His wife shrieks. MR. HOMEOWNER reaches behind his pillow...
And pulls out his own chainsaw!
He fires it up aaannnd....
Cuts MR. PSYCHOTIC in half from top to bottom. Or bottom to top, if you wanna get more gross.
WIFE: I love you honey.
HUSBAND: I love you, too.
Smooch!
CHARLTON HESTON's giant HEAD appears.
CHARLTON HESTON: Remember. If chainsaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have chainsaws. Please support the National Chainsaw Association. (revs up chainsaw) I do. YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!
He runs out of frame.
SUDDENLY ...
Someone kicks in the door!!!
PSYCHOTIC: Eee-haha-haha! The voices in my head command me. YOU MUST DIE!
Mr. PSYCHOTIC revs up a chainsaw, cackling insanely.
REV-RNNNENNG-RVVVV-REEEEEE!
ALL AMERICAN MALE HOMEOWNER sits up in bed, contemplating his sudden death. His wife shrieks. MR. HOMEOWNER reaches behind his pillow...
And pulls out his own chainsaw!
He fires it up aaannnd....
Cuts MR. PSYCHOTIC in half from top to bottom. Or bottom to top, if you wanna get more gross.
WIFE: I love you honey.
HUSBAND: I love you, too.
Smooch!
CHARLTON HESTON's giant HEAD appears.
CHARLTON HESTON: Remember. If chainsaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have chainsaws. Please support the National Chainsaw Association. (revs up chainsaw) I do. YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!
He runs out of frame.
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