Attack of the Science Fiction Movie

EXT, MARS - VIEW FROM SPACE

Mariner 4 orbits, a light blinking. It crosses the terminator into darkness.

A light appears on the surface of Mars. Then fades.

Ominous Theremin music.

INT, FARMER'S BEDROOM ON EARTH - NIGHT

A FARMER looks out of his window at his barn. There’s a light inside. The cows are mooing madly.

FARMER: Goldurn kids!

Gets out of bed, grabs a shotgun.

FARMER: I’ll teach those dang punks to mess with my cows!

INT, BARN - NIGHT

FARMER enters the barn. A hideous, gelatinous creature absorbs him.

EXT, COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

More jellyfish-like blobs fall from the sky. Small at first. They ooze away like inchworms in all directions.

EXT, STREET - DAY

A proud MOM pushes baby carriage. GRANNY comes up to it.

GRANNY: Oh -- are you hiding your cute little baby? May I see? (lifts blanket)

A gelatinous bob leaps out of the baby carriage and eats GRANNY. MOM runs screaming.

EXT, ANOTHER STREET - DAY

KID hawking newspaper

KID: Extra! Extra! Nothing to fear!

A pseudopod shoots out of the sewer opening below him and drags him down inside.

EXT, LOVERS' LANE - NIGHT

A circle of cars looking down on a valley below. Big full moon. A car drives in, two teenagers inside.

ROY: Come on, Eve. Gimme some sugar.

ROY puts his arm around her. EVE pushes him away.

EVE: Knock it off, Roy!

ROY: Dang it Eve!

She runs out of the car, weeping. ROY looks around.

ROY: Hey. How come all the other cars is empty?

A gelatinous blob in the back seat eats him.

INT, HOME - NIGHT

EVE runs into her home, weeping.

JACK: What’s wrong, sis? It’s that jerk Roy, huh? Did he put his paws on you?

EVE: He didn’t get a chance.

JACK: I’ll knock his block off!

EVE: No. It’s just adolescent hormones. That wouldn’t be rational.

OLD PROFESSOR: (OS) Spoken like a true scientist’s daughter.

They look up. He stands there, amused, puffing a pipe.

OLD PROFESSOR: Say, Eve. Speaking of which, I might need you at the Institute tonight. I'll let you hold my clipboard!

EVE: Wow! I'll hold your clipboard anytime!

JACK: What's going on?

OLD PROFESSOR: Well, son. We're still trying to figure out what. Sorta dropped on us from the sky, you might say. But something's up.

EVE: Something bad?

OLD PROFESSOR: No. Mighty interesting, you might say! If you like science, that is.

EVE: I sure do!

We hear a loud thumping sound.

JACK: Gee. Sounds like something in the basement. I better go down there all by myself and investigate.

OLD PROFESSOR: You better take this flashlight.

JACK: Thanks, dad.

INT, LABORATORY

Two SCIENTISTS at work. SCIENTIST #1 is the OLD PROFESSOR. EVE, now wearing a white lab coat, stands in the background holding a clipboard.

SCIENTIST #1 peers into a microscope.

SCIENTIST #2: Is it alive?

SCIENTIST #1: Yes and no. I don’t know. If it is, it isn’t life as we know it. I’ve never seen anything like it. In fact…I have a strange sensation it’s seeing me.

A pseudopod shoots out of the microscope eye piece and absorbs him.

EVE: Dad!

SCIENTIST #1: Sav -- (blob completely absorbs him) Mmblblbl.

EVE: What did you say?

SCIENTIST: Mbmmmbl!

EVE: I can't understand you!

SCIENTIST #1: Save yourself. I think he said "Save yourself."

SCIENTIST #2: Mmmbl! Mmmbblbl!

EVE: Dad?

Screams and sounds of destruction. (OS)

SCIENTIST #2: We've got to get out of here!

They run down the hallway. Blobs are attacking the Institute.

SCIENTIST #2: Come on! They're everywhere!

Still running down the hallway. Blobs are behind them. EVE sprains her ankle and drops her clipboard.

EVE: The clipboard!

SCIENTIST #2: Forget the clipboard!

EVE: I can't move!

He runs back for her. Eve's sprawled helplessly, in a pulp fiction pose. The blobs get closer and closer.

SCIENTIST #1: Mmppmmplmp!

SCIENTIST #2: I will, sir!

SCIENTIST #1: Mmppmmplmp!

SCIENTIST #2: You have my word, sir!

SCIENTIST #2 picks her up and runs with her at the last possible second.

EVE: Oh, Dad. Dad. (weeping)

SCIENTIST #2: There'll be time to cry, later.

EVE: Who are you?

SCIENTIST #2: I'm --

There's a loud explosion.

EXT, COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

A determined PREACHER holding a Bible walks up to a blob.

PREACHER: Yea. Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no ee-vil. Hi there! I’m Pastor Bob. Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

The blob seems to think about it.

Then shoots out a pseudopod and absorbs him.

His Bible falls. We hear screams OS.

INT, UNDERGROUND CAVERN

Two SCIENTISTS in white lab coats walk. Their footsteps echo.

SCIENTIST #3: I guess we're the lucky ones. We made it.

SCIENTIST #2: Not all of us did ... poor kid. If those things got into the Institute --

SCIENTIST #3: We’re two miles underground and sealed off by steel doors. The steel is ten feet thick! We should be safe here.

SCIENTIST #2: God willing.

SCIENTIST #3 What do we know about these things?

SCIENTIST #2: Only one thing. They can strike at any time.

A blob leaps down from the ceiling and eats SCIENTIST #3. SCIENTIST #2 runs. Various alarms go off.

INT, WHITE HOUSE BUNKER

GENERAL: I demand full authority, Mr. President. We must do something to stop these creatures!

PRESIDENT: You got it. Give em' hell, General!

GENERAL: Yes, sir! (salutes)

EXT, NEVADA DESERT -- DAY

A phalanx of blobs advances. Tanks shoot the blobs; planes drop bombs on them. Then, finally, an H-Bomb. There’s a vast, mushroom cloud explosion. The devastation finally settles, revealing -- the blobs, unharmed. They continue to advance.

GENERAL: Atomic radiation has no effect! Retreat, men. Retreat!

A blob absorbs him.

EXT, COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

EVE runs, weeping, looking at scenes of death and destruction. Her blouse is torn and, for some reason wet. For some other reason, she's not wearing a bra. She sees a rowboat by a river. Starts to walk towards it.

Suddenly – a blob cuts off her path.

EVE: Oh God!

SCIENTIST #2 appears.

SCIENTIST #2: Stand back!

SCIENTIST #2 grabs an oar from the boat and battles the blob. EVE screams. At the last minute, MICHAEL RENNIE appears in a shoulder-padded Mylar suit and zaps the blob with a raygun.

MICHAEL RENNIE: Do not be afraid, my children. Come with me and you shall live.

A shimmering sphere appears around him.

MICHAEL RENNIE: Enter. Quickly! Molecular solidification has begun.

EVE and SCIENTIST #2 enter. The sphere is now solid glass. It rises up into the sky.

SCIENTIST #2: Those blobs … What are those things?

MICHAEL RENNIE: Guardians of peace. The technology is beyond you.

SCIENTIST #2: What’s keeping us up?

MICHAEL RENNIE: Your primitive minds cannot understand.

SCIENTIST #2: Who are you?

MICHAEL RENNIE: You cannot pronounce my name.

SCIENTIST #2: What – never mind.

MICHAEL RENNIE: (closes his eyes) A telepathic message. I fear it has begun.

The sphere flies into space.

EXT, EARTH – MONTAGE

Montage of streets in various cities. An insectoid face appears on every TV set, the monitors in Times Square and Tokyo, etc. In a booming, metallic voice, the ALIEN gives the assembled crowds a warning.

ALIEN: Inhabitants of Earth. We of the planet Mars give you this warning. For millennia, we have monitored your world. We have found your species to be hostile and warlike. You are technological adults, but moral and ethical infants. You must be quarantined! Do what you will with Earth, but come to Mars and be destroyed!

SLOB: (watching TV set in shop window) Mars. He mean like the candy bar?

SOME OTHER GUY: No, the planet, stupid.

SLOB: Say, didn’t we just crash that thing on Mars?

ALIEN: Exactly.

More blobs drop down from the sky and start eating everyone.

SLOB: Christ, you stupid alien! You give the warning first! Then you kill people! That’s the way it works!

ALIEN: Sorry.

EXT, ALIEN WORLD

The sphere lands on an idyllic planet, as green as a golf course, kinda Eden-like. A bunny hops into view and smiles at the camera. MICHAEL RENNIE and the humans emerge from the sphere.

MICHAEL RENNIE: I am allowed to save only two of your kind. You will be safe here.

SCIENTIST #2: But those creatures --

MICHAEL RENNIE: Do not fear. The Guardians should not appear on this world. If they do, remember. They have only one weakness. (hands SCIENTIST #2 an oar) Wood.

SCIENTIST #2: (takes it) Thanks.

MICHAEL RENNIE: This shall be your new home, children of earth. Repopulate. Teach your children the ways of peace.

The sphere solidifies around MICHAEL RENNIE again. He flies away like Glinda the Good.

Alone now, the two surviving humans study each other.

SCIENTIST #2 What’s your name?

EVE: Eve. Yours?

SCIENTIST #2: Adam.

They embrace passionately.

Music swells. Fade out.

[Above is a reconstruction of a lost comic book inked in 1974 - MF]

VD Dreams

(to the tune of "Sweet Dreams" by Annie Lennox)

I think that I have VD

I think that you gave it to me

You don’t get it from a toilet seat

Everybody gets it from someone

There’s a syphilis sore on my hip

A herpes pustule on my lip

My shlong’s swollen up just like a blintz

Gotta wring out the pus with a rolling pin

I think that I have VD

It really hurts when I have to pee

I spray on the stalls right next to me

Everybody runs away screaming

You screw all the people screwed the one you screw

A geometric progression, but I fear it’s true

If one humped a monkey in the zoo

You might as well humped that monkey too

Some of them should be quarantined

Some got mutations in their genes

Hepatitis A, B, C, and D

The kinda crabs you don’t see at the beach

Some of them got a yeast infection

New damn diseases escape detection

Make AIDS look like the common cold

Best stick with porno and just get old

I think that I have VD

My penis fell off, ran away from me

Got on the bus, went to DC

Now it's in the Congress, making speeches

Boy George: Commie Chameleon

RED ALERT!!!!

Dr. Herbert Armbruster's weekly front-line report on the International Communist Conspiracy in these United States.

Does Boy George make you see Red? If so, you have no need to visit the opthamalogist eye doctor in the immediate future. You, sir, have 20-20 vision and are a true American patriot. Why do I make this inference? Because you see through his Commie deception. To speak the plain truth. Boy George is a transmission belt for Red propaganda of the basest sort. (This is not meant as any sort of slur on his fine bass player.) Neither nor is this a slur on the homosexualist community of these United States. Some of the most upstanding warriors in our nation’s fight against the Marxist-Leninist virus shared this inclination, from Roy Cohn to Herbert Hoover to John Birch himself. In fact, on further consideration, it seems to be a common denominator, though I can assure you I am not of this persuasion, ask my wife.

To return to the topic at hand, Boy George is (as his "Top 40" song implies) a true commie chameleon. In the manner of a chameleon, he cunningly assumes the form of a harmlessly androgynous wearer of funny hats. A true weak sister, he. No threat to anyone! Why, he wouldn’t hurt a fly! Thus, Lady Liberty drops her guard. And Mother Russia lands a sucker punch. And she’s no lady.

Don’t you see what’s happening, my friends? Don’t you see?

Oh I can see.

And I’ll tell you what I see.

Where “moralists” and “holy rollers” of the old-fashioned persuasion might see pink, a steely-eyed American patriot who’s in the know sees Red. And that’s what I see when Boy George takes the stage. (And I've been studying him for a long time and attend his concerts whenever possible, at considerable expense and much to the distress of my wife.) Yes. I’m not jumping to conclusions. No. I have been informed through utterly reliable sources that this “harmless” performer conceals and maintains a bulky shortwave radio set throughout his “gigs,” whereby he provides intelligence (in encrypted form) to his Red paymasters on American troop movements and what kids these days like. The lyrics of his so-called "songs" offer their own coded messages. Which is or are all too plain if you decode them. As I have, over many sleepless nights by the aid of a stockpile of vintage Benzedrine inhalers. It is both an acrostic and a substitution cipher.

By way of brief example, let’s consider the inner meaning of “Karma Chameleon.”

K=Kyrgyzstan

A=Alliance for Progress

R=Russia

M=Mao

A= Adlai Stevenson

C=Chevrolet

H=Hoover

A=Apple Pie

M=Mom

E=Excellent

L=Lenny Bruce

E=Eisenhower

O=OSS

N=Nehru.

This clearly indicates the Commie game plan. Do I need to spell it out?

Allow me to state the obvious.

While America’s unsuspecting juvenile delinquents listen to Boy George and subversive comedy albums, a pincher movement of combined USSR and Chi-Com forces will make a stealthy approach through the Kyrgyzstan salient, then drive through the Indian subcontinent in a blitzkrieg attack. The resulting land grab will destroy the American way of life and make our mothers cry through a combination of cheap labor and sacred cows. (Starting to catch my drift, friend?)I'm sure you have. By installing automobile and pie factories in the land of Gandhi and stealing American jobs, our standard of living will plummet and Red and Com-Symp unions will cry “strike!” — thereby making the fake “Greater Depression” worse, and proving Ike’s “missile gap” was a big lie. After the riots die down and the Commie paratroopers drop in, Joe Dokes will discover (when it’s far too late) that Nixon (in defiance of Adlai Stevenson) found the unholy truth in a pumpkin patch, and “Wild Bill” Donovan gets the last laugh.

What could be clearer than that?

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