Tuesday, July 21, 1992
The Rush Limbaugh Song
Wednesday, July 1, 1992
Nazi Track
Montage of American fitness fads.
ANNOUNCER: Today, more than ever before, people are looking for an exercise that will give them total cardiovascular fitness. 60 years ago, a group of people in Germany found it. We remember them today as Nazis.
EXT, GERMAN STREET - DAY.
Grainy black and white footage. Hitler screaming from a balcony.
HITLER: Seig heil! Ich bin ein schmeckle!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, in their desire to create a perfect race, the Nazis invented the perfect exercise. They called it "goose-stepping."
HITLER: Heil! Stompin-zie! Stompin-zie!
CROWD: Heil!
The crowd goes goose-stepping and seig-heiling down the street.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, of course, the Nazis laid waste to most of Europe and North Africa and killed millions of people in blind obedience to a psychotic, genocidal, cult of personality. But they were amazingly physically fit! Goose-stepping was the secret – as many people still know today!
EXT, ALLEY - NIGHT
Shot of crazed SKINHEAD, goose-stepping on broken bottles in his bare feet.
SKINHEAD: I do it all the time!
INT, GYM - DAY
VALLEY GIRL goose-stepping around various angry people working out.
VALLEY GIRL: Yah. Goose-stepping's like totally the secret. It's bitchin! But like people get all bummed out when I do that?
MAN: Stop doing that! You stoopid Nazi bimbo!
TRAINER: Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
MAN: Yeah! See you later, Nazi!
Talking to the camera as the TRAINER gives her the bum's rush.
VALLEY GIRL: Like, I don’t even know what a Nazi is, whatever! I totally wish I could like to it in my living room!
ANNOUNCER: Well, now you can! With the all-new "Strength Through Joy" Nazi Track, you can enjoy all the cardio and strength benefits of goose-stepping, with the added range of motion of the "seig heil" salute!
Some FAT GUY is working out at the ridiculous NAZI-TRACK contraption. His legs are strapped into giant rubber boots that force him to goose-step. Another pulley device jerks his arms up and down in a perpetual "seig heil" salute.
ANNOUNCER: How does it feel?
FAT GUY: Great! I’m really pumped up! Can I get off now?
ANNOUNCER: No!
FAT GUY: I’m really tired! I think I’m having a heart attack. I want it to stop!
ANNOUNCER: No!
FAT GUY: Please make it stop!
ANNOUNCER: No! You will stop when we tell you to stop! (addresses camera with steadily growing German accent) The same applies to you! You fat American swine, sitting on your couch and watching television! You disgust me! This machine will make you strong, not weak like the others! Order now, you swine! Order now! The number is on your screen!
Caption reads:
CALL-1-800-NZI-TRAK
CALL-1-800-NZI-TRAK OR WE WILL HAVE YOU KILLED!
Friday, April 17, 1992
Royal Shakespeare Dinner Theatre
RICHARD III strides onto stage and does his twisted, hunchback thing. Actor is Patrick Stewart type. Classically trained.
STAGE MANAGER: Merry, good ticket-buying people. Forgivest thee or thou this thy humble servant. Zounds. I hast forgotten yon dessert selection. Prithee, behold our multitudinous flavors of ice cream and Apple Betty. Forsooth, etcetera.
His ass-kissing wins them over. But the Shakespearean actor is pissed.
RICHARD III: Mine gorge doth rise.
STAGE MANAGER: The fault is in thine ass, not the stars. Dig in!
AUDIENCE flocks to the dessert selection like the rats eating the Ernest Borgnine character in Willard.
RICHARD III: What in the bloody hell are you doing?
STAGE MANAGER: Keep the people happy, OK?
RICHARD III: This is Shakespeare!
STAGE MANAGER: Shakespeare? Gee. You think so?
RICHARD III: Yes! The Bard himself!
STAGE MANAGER: Really? Aw, I'm not respectful enough?
RICHARD III: You ...
STAGE MANAGER: Respectful? Pfft! Jesus, you stupid actors. Read a book sometime! The original Globe Theater had sword fights and coitus. In the audience! Now hit your mark, asshole! From the top!
Elizabethan music. The play must go on.
Open as before.
RICHARD III: Now is the winter of our discontent ...
RICHARD: III: Made glorious summer by this sun of...
STAGE MANAGER: (OS) Behold, good woman! Thine Apple Betty appears with haste!
RICHARD III: York. And all the clouds that ... loured upon our house.
STAGE MANAGER: (OS) Ah, crap ...he unplugged it.
OLD WOMAN: I want my Apple Betty!
RICHARD III: In the deepest bosom ...
She climbs up on stage and confronts him.
OLD WOMAN: Well?
She glares at him.
STAGE MANAGER leaps on stage, hands her an Apple Betty.
She takes it.
STAGE MANAGER: Give the people what they want, asshole!
RICHARD III whips out rapier and stabs him.
The AUDIENCE applauds.
Tuesday, February 25, 1992
Attack of the Science Fiction Movie
EXT, MARS - VIEW FROM SPACE
Mariner 4 orbits, a light blinking. It crosses the terminator into darkness.
A light appears on the surface of Mars. Then fades.
Ominous Theremin music.
INT, FARMER'S BEDROOM ON EARTH - NIGHT
A FARMER looks out of his window at his barn. There’s a light inside. The cows are mooing madly.
FARMER: Goldurn kids!
Gets out of bed, grabs a shotgun.
FARMER: I’ll teach those dang punks to mess with my cows!
INT, BARN - NIGHT
FARMER enters the barn. A hideous, gelatinous creature absorbs him.
EXT, COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
More jellyfish-like blobs fall from the sky. Small at first. They ooze away like inchworms in all directions.
EXT, STREET - DAY
A proud MOM pushes baby carriage. GRANNY comes up to it.
GRANNY: Oh -- are you hiding your cute little baby? May I see? (lifts blanket)
A gelatinous bob leaps out of the baby carriage and eats GRANNY. MOM runs screaming.
EXT, ANOTHER STREET - DAY
KID hawking newspaper
KID: Extra! Extra! Nothing to fear!
A pseudopod shoots out of the sewer opening below him and drags him down inside.
EXT, LOVERS' LANE - NIGHT
A circle of cars looking down on a valley below. Big full moon. A car drives in, two teenagers inside.
ROY: Come on, Eve. Gimme some sugar.
ROY puts his arm around her. EVE pushes him away.
EVE: Knock it off, Roy!
ROY: Dang it Eve!
She runs out of the car, weeping. ROY looks around.
ROY: Hey. How come all the other cars is empty?
A gelatinous blob in the back seat eats him.
INT, HOME - NIGHT
EVE runs into her home, weeping.
JACK: What’s wrong, sis? It’s that jerk Roy, huh? Did he put his paws on you?
EVE: He didn’t get a chance.
JACK: I’ll knock his block off!
EVE: No. It’s just adolescent hormones. That wouldn’t be rational.
OLD PROFESSOR: (OS) Spoken like a true scientist’s daughter.
They look up. He stands there, amused, puffing a pipe.
OLD PROFESSOR: Say, Eve. Speaking of which, I might need you at the Institute tonight. I'll let you hold my clipboard!
EVE: Wow! I'll hold your clipboard anytime!
JACK: What's going on?
OLD PROFESSOR: Well, son. We're still trying to figure out what. Sorta dropped on us from the sky, you might say. But something's up.
EVE: Something bad?
OLD PROFESSOR: No. Mighty interesting, you might say! If you like science, that is.
EVE: I sure do!
We hear a loud thumping sound.
JACK: Gee. Sounds like something in the basement. I better go down there all by myself and investigate.
OLD PROFESSOR: You better take this flashlight.
JACK: Thanks, dad.
INT, LABORATORY
Two SCIENTISTS at work. SCIENTIST #1 is the OLD PROFESSOR. EVE, now wearing a white lab coat, stands in the background holding a clipboard.
SCIENTIST #1 peers into a microscope.
SCIENTIST #2: Is it alive?
SCIENTIST #1: Yes and no. I don’t know. If it is, it isn’t life as we know it. I’ve never seen anything like it. In fact…I have a strange sensation it’s seeing me.
A pseudopod shoots out of the microscope eye piece and absorbs him.
EVE: Dad!
SCIENTIST #1: Sav -- (blob completely absorbs him) Mmblblbl.
EVE: What did you say?
SCIENTIST: Mbmmmbl!
EVE: I can't understand you!
SCIENTIST #1: Save yourself. I think he said "Save yourself."
SCIENTIST #2: Mmmbl! Mmmbblbl!
EVE: Dad?
Screams and sounds of destruction. (OS)
SCIENTIST #2: We've got to get out of here!
They run down the hallway. Blobs are attacking the Institute.
SCIENTIST #2: Come on! They're everywhere!
Still running down the hallway. Blobs are behind them. EVE sprains her ankle and drops her clipboard.
EVE: The clipboard!
SCIENTIST #2: Forget the clipboard!
EVE: I can't move!
He runs back for her. Eve's sprawled helplessly, in a pulp fiction pose. The blobs get closer and closer.
SCIENTIST #1: Mmppmmplmp!
SCIENTIST #2: I will, sir!
SCIENTIST #1: Mmppmmplmp!
SCIENTIST #2: You have my word, sir!
SCIENTIST #2 picks her up and runs with her at the last possible second.
EVE: Oh, Dad. Dad. (weeping)
SCIENTIST #2: There'll be time to cry, later.
EVE: Who are you?
SCIENTIST #2: I'm --
There's a loud explosion.
EXT, COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
A determined PREACHER holding a Bible walks up to a blob.
PREACHER: Yea. Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no ee-vil. Hi there! I’m Pastor Bob. Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
The blob seems to think about it.
Then shoots out a pseudopod and absorbs him.
His Bible falls. We hear screams OS.
INT, UNDERGROUND CAVERN
Two SCIENTISTS in white lab coats walk. Their footsteps echo.
SCIENTIST #3: I guess we're the lucky ones. We made it.
SCIENTIST #2: Not all of us did ... poor kid. If those things got into the Institute --
SCIENTIST #3: We’re two miles underground and sealed off by steel doors. The steel is ten feet thick! We should be safe here.
SCIENTIST #2: God willing.
SCIENTIST #3 What do we know about these things?
SCIENTIST #2: Only one thing. They can strike at any time.
A blob leaps down from the ceiling and eats SCIENTIST #3. SCIENTIST #2 runs. Various alarms go off.
INT, WHITE HOUSE BUNKER
GENERAL: I demand full authority, Mr. President. We must do something to stop these creatures!
PRESIDENT: You got it. Give em' hell, General!
GENERAL: Yes, sir! (salutes)
EXT, NEVADA DESERT -- DAY
A phalanx of blobs advances. Tanks shoot the blobs; planes drop bombs on them. Then, finally, an H-Bomb. There’s a vast, mushroom cloud explosion. The devastation finally settles, revealing -- the blobs, unharmed. They continue to advance.
GENERAL: Atomic radiation has no effect! Retreat, men. Retreat!
A blob absorbs him.
EXT, COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
EVE runs, weeping, looking at scenes of death and destruction. Her blouse is torn and, for some reason wet. For some other reason, she's not wearing a bra. She sees a rowboat by a river. Starts to walk towards it.
Suddenly – a blob cuts off her path.
EVE: Oh God!
SCIENTIST #2 appears.
SCIENTIST #2: Stand back!
SCIENTIST #2 grabs an oar from the boat and battles the blob. EVE screams. At the last minute, MICHAEL RENNIE appears in a shoulder-padded Mylar suit and zaps the blob with a raygun.
MICHAEL RENNIE: Do not be afraid, my children. Come with me and you shall live.A shimmering sphere appears around him.
MICHAEL RENNIE: Enter. Quickly! Molecular solidification has begun.
EVE and SCIENTIST #2 enter. The sphere is now solid glass. It rises up into the sky.
SCIENTIST #2: Those blobs … What are those things?
MICHAEL RENNIE: Guardians of peace. The technology is beyond you.
SCIENTIST #2: What’s keeping us up?
MICHAEL RENNIE: Your primitive minds cannot understand.
SCIENTIST #2: Who are you?
MICHAEL RENNIE: You cannot pronounce my name.
SCIENTIST #2: What – never mind.
MICHAEL RENNIE: (closes his eyes) A telepathic message. I fear it has begun.
The sphere flies into space.
EXT, EARTH – MONTAGE
Montage of streets in various cities. An insectoid face appears on every TV set, the monitors in Times Square and Tokyo, etc. In a booming, metallic voice, the ALIEN gives the assembled crowds a warning.
ALIEN: Inhabitants of Earth. We of the planet Mars give you this warning. For millennia, we have monitored your world. We have found your species to be hostile and warlike. You are technological adults, but moral and ethical infants. You must be quarantined! Do what you will with Earth, but come to Mars and be destroyed!
SLOB: (watching TV set in shop window) Mars. He mean like the candy bar?
SOME OTHER GUY: No, the planet, stupid.
SLOB: Say, didn’t we just crash that thing on Mars?
ALIEN: Exactly.
More blobs drop down from the sky and start eating everyone.
SLOB: Christ, you stupid alien! You give the warning first! Then you kill people! That’s the way it works!
ALIEN: Sorry.
EXT, ALIEN WORLD
The sphere lands on an idyllic planet, as green as a golf course, kinda Eden-like. A bunny hops into view and smiles at the camera. MICHAEL RENNIE and the humans emerge from the sphere.
MICHAEL RENNIE: I am allowed to save only two of your kind. You will be safe here.
SCIENTIST #2: But those creatures --
MICHAEL RENNIE: Do not fear. The Guardians should not appear on this world. If they do, remember. They have only one weakness. (hands SCIENTIST #2 an oar) Wood.
SCIENTIST #2: (takes it) Thanks.
MICHAEL RENNIE: This shall be your new home, children of earth. Repopulate. Teach your children the ways of peace.
The sphere solidifies around MICHAEL RENNIE again. He flies away like Glinda the Good.
Alone now, the two surviving humans study each other.
SCIENTIST #2 What’s your name?
EVE: Eve. Yours?
SCIENTIST #2: Adam.
They embrace passionately.
Music swells. Fade out.
[Above is a reconstruction of a lost comic book inked in 1974 - MF]
Tuesday, December 31, 1991
VD Dreams
(to the tune of "Sweet Dreams" by Annie Lennox)
I think that I have VD
I think that you gave it to me
You don’t get it from a toilet seat
Everybody gets it from someone
There’s a syphilis sore on my hip
A herpes pustule on my lip
My shlong’s swollen up just like a blintz
Gotta wring out the pus with a rolling pin
I think that I have VD
It really hurts when I have to pee
I spray on the stalls right next to me
Everybody runs away screaming
You screw all the people screwed the one you screw
A geometric progression, but I fear it’s true
If one humped a monkey in the zoo
You might as well humped that monkey tooSome of them should be quarantined
Some got mutations in their genes
Hepatitis A, B, C, and D
The kinda crabs you don’t see at the beach
Some of them got a yeast infection
New damn diseases escape detection
Make AIDS look like the common cold
Best stick with porno and just get old
I think that I have VD
My penis fell off, ran away from me
Got on the bus, went to DC
Now it's in the Congress, making speeches
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