Magic Beaners

EXT, COUNTRY LANE.
An oafish looking farmboy comes leading a cow. A salesman in a loud, checked suit studies him. Yeah, I know it's an anachronism.

SALESMAN: Say, farmboy. That's a fine looking cow ya got there.

SIMPLETON: Duh, thanks.

SALESMAN: Where you headed.

SIMPLETON: To market.

SALESMAN: You selling the cow?

SIMPLETON: Duh, yeah.

SALESMAN: For money?

SIMPLETON: I guess so.

SALESMAN: (snorts) Money's for chumps, son. What you need are these here magic beans!

SIMPLETON: Duh? Magic beans? C'mon, mister. There's no such thing as magic beans.

SALESMAN: Sure there is! See?

He holds out the sack. The sack is labelled "Magic Beans." The SIMPLETON reads this out loud.

SIMPLETON: "MA-GIC BEAN. ZIZ." OK. How do they work.

SALESMAN: How do they work? That's science talk! Don't you believe in God?

SIMPLETON: Duh, yeah.

SALESMAN: Well, there you go! These beans work the same way!

SIMPLETON: What way is that?

SALESMAN: Believe, kid! You just gotta believe! If you believe in the beans, they work!

SIMPLETON: What do they do?

SALESMAN: You name it! These beans'll cure cancer, regrow hair and improve your sex life.
If you got one leg shorter, it'll make it grow longer. Or make the other leg shorter! Whatever you want!

SIMPLETON: I don't know, mister.

SALESMAN: You don't gotta know! Just believe, kid! That's all you gotta do. These beans'll turn your life around, kid. These beans are jam packed with the rich choclaty goodness of est, Eckankar, Scientology and Oral Roberts combined. They got the power of visualization and all seven chakras. You put em in the ground and they'll grow a giant beanstalk. You can climb up to the clouds and come back with a talking harp, a sack of money and a chicken that menstruates golden eggs.

SIMPLETON: You mean like God's magic chicken?

SALESMAN: Nah -- the beanstalk don't grow that high, kid. It's OK to steal from the giant, he's a foreigner. Let me sing you a song!

Don't check the price
Don't kick the tires
Just believe what I tell you is true!
You'll have all that you ask for and all that you need
If you only believe in the beans.

Believe in the beans
Believe in the beans
Believe in the magic beans!

SIMPLETON: Believe in the beans.

SALESMAN: Believe in the beans!

SIMPLETON and SALESMAN: Believe in the magic beans!

SALESMAN: Well, do you? Ya gotta believe in the beans, or they don't work.

SIMPLETON: I believe in the beans!

SALESMAN: Great. Give me your cow.

SIMPLETON: OK.

SALESMAN: Fantastic. (hand him sack of beans) Here you go!

SIMPLETON: Thanks mister.

They shake hands.

SALESMAN: See you later!

The SIMPLETON runs off.

SIMPLETON: (OS) Look, ma! I got a sack of beans!

MOM: (OS - Monty Python "Pepperpot" voice) Beans?

SIMPLETON: (OS) Yeah, ma. They're magic beans!

MOM: (OS) You bleeding idiot. You traded the cow for a sack of magic beans?

SIMPLETON: Stop hitting me!

He whistles. Some guys roll up with a cart.

SALESMAN: (OS) Speed it up boys. Let's get Bessie outta here. I got this thing about life expectancy.