Meet the Bollocks

Montage of photos and clips from the punk era.

ANNOUNCER: Patti Smith, the Ramones, Richard Hell and the Voidoids. We remember these names. There is one name many still don't remember: The Bollocks. Who were they? Tonight, we're going to find out. Join us now as we ...

TITLE: (cut up letters) Meet the Bollocks.

Jangled, edited footage of punk musicians and clubs from the mid-1970s. Blaring, full-throttle music.

ANNOUNCER: The Bollocks defined the punk rock era. The era destroyed them, then forgot them. The Bollocks remain controversial to the few insiders who still remember. Just mention the name "Bollocks" to the giants of punk rock. You will definitely provoke a reaction.

BLONDIE: Who?

BILLY IDOL: They ... No. I want to start over. Tell him to get my good side.

PATTI SMITH: Ghosts, you know. What's a ghost? Maybe the dead speak to you or maybe it's just your subconscious. Or maybe the dead are haunting your subconscious. I checked, but they're not in there, man. I'm sorry to hear they died.

ANNOUNCER: They're not dead.

PATTI SMITH: Oh.

JOHNNY ROTTEN: You got a lot of fucking nerve, man. Those books are fucking lies. Get that thing out of my face! (smashes camera)

JOEY RAMONE: They were lousy musicians but they could fight.

DEE DEE RAMONE: (O.S.) Ask how come there's three Bollocks. (snickers)

JOEY RAMONE: You ask him, man. Don't be a pussy.

JOHNNY RAMONE: I always considered myself the fourth Bollock. (laughs)

JOE STRUMMER: They had no class. It's the ultimate assault on the class system.

Hold on still photo of Marshall McClaren. Audio continues over.

ANNOUNCER: To legendary Canadian punk rock music performer Marshall McClaren, the Bollocks are especially painful. He declined a face-to-face interview. Here's what he told us on the telephone.

MARSHALL MCCLAREN: (audio only) Documentary? "Alastair Rathbone," my ass. What's your real name?

ANNOUNCER: That is my real name.

MARSHALL MCCLAREN: You think I'm stupid? You're working for Ralph, right?

ANNOUNCER: No.

MCCLAREN: Bullshit. OK, "Alastair." You can tell Ralph I don't want any trouble anymore. I'm not going to sue him. You can also tell Ralph I got the best security money can buy. If he breaks the restraining order, they shoot to kill. One more thing?

ANNOUNCER: Yes, Mr. McClaren?

MCCLAREN: Tell Ralph he can go fuck himself.

ANNOUNCER: Sid Vicious refused to comment.

Shot of Sid Vicious' grave.

ANNOUNCER: Ralph Nasty's recent series of memoirs have fanned the flames of this long dead controversy. Today, the Bollocks are on everyone's lips. But who were they, really? Let's go back to the beginning.

Montage of black and white photos of London clubs in 1973.

ANNOUNCER: In 1973 London was sleeping. Not quite burning yet. But definitely asleep. Then a band burst on the scene: The Bollocks. Lead guitarist, Nigel Chunderton, his twin brother, Rigel, the bass player and their half brother, Ralph Nasty, the lead singer. They were the original punk rockers. They turned the rock world upside down.

Nigel Chunderton remembers.

INT, BAR

ANNOUNCER: How did London respond to your music?

NIGEL: They didn't hear it, not at first I mean.

ANNOUNCER: In Ralph Nasty's latest memoir --

SHOT OF BOOK: The Bollocks: More than a mouthful.

NIGEL: Ah, that. Those books of his. (snorts) Ralph like to make things up.

NASTY: Are you calling me a liar?

NIGEL: No. (whispering) Christ, he's here?

NASTY: Are you calling me a fooking liar?

NIGEL: Not at all Ralph, no. Good to see you, mate.

NASTY: No, it ain't.

NASTY hits NIGEL with a chair.

INT - HOSPITAL ROOM

ANNOUNCER: You were saying?

NIGEL: Well. (looks around to make sure NASTY isn't there) We were playing at the cavern.

ANNOUNCER: Ah, the legendary ...

NIGEL: No. Not the fooking bar in Liverpool. A proper cavern with stalactites and bat shit and whatnot. Our manager got us the booking, so we went. Ours is not to reason why, eh? We played our sodding hearts out that night. There was no one there. There was no electricity. But we played anyway.

ANNOUNCER: According to noted music critic and stuffed animal Paddington Bear, despite the lack of an audience, a movement was born in that cave.

PADDINGTON BEAR: It was very loud. Dear me. That cave was very echoey.

ANNOUNCER: And the echoes continue to this day?

PADDINGTON BEAR: No. I think it stopped.

ANNOUNCER: Musically.

PADDINGTON BEAR: I don't hear any music.

ANNOUNCER: A musical movement?

PADDINGTON BEAR: I suppose they did move. A little.

ANNOUNCER: The punk rock movement, you stupid bear! It was born in that cave! That's what you said before I turned this thing on.

PADDINGTON BEAR: Don't hurt me! I'm only a stuffed animal.

INT HOSPITAL - DAY

NIGEL: We lived on guano for the next four months. Then we left and paid the manager a visit. "Who are you," he says. "The band," says I. "The one what you sent to that cave." "What band," he says? I know a lot of bands. What do you call your band, anyway?" The question had never occurred to me, to any of us really, but I made up an answer on the spot. "Bollocks," I said. He replied, "Bollocks to you too, mate." I said, "Bollocks. No, seriously. The Bollocks. That's the name of the band." He laughed. Ralph ripped his head off and then he stopped.

MANAGER: (a ring of stitches around his neck) I told them to get lost and play in a sodding cave. I never dreamed they'd take me seriously.

ANNOUNCER: I suppose you gave them their start.

MANAGER: I suppose I did.