VD Dreams

(to the tune of "Sweet Dreams" by Annie Lennox)

I think that I have VD

I think that you gave it to me

You don’t get it from a toilet seat

Everybody gets it from someone

There’s a syphilis sore on my hip

A herpes pustule on my lip

My shlong’s swollen up just like a blintz

Gotta wring out the pus with a rolling pin

I think that I have VD

It really hurts when I have to pee

I spray on the stalls right next to me

Everybody runs away screaming

You screw all the people screwed the one you screw

A geometric progression, but I fear it’s true

If one humped a monkey in the zoo

You might as well humped that monkey too

Some of them should be quarantined

Some got mutations in their genes

Hepatitis A, B, C, and D

The kinda crabs you don’t see at the beach

Some of them got a yeast infection

New damn diseases escape detection

Make AIDS look like the common cold

Best stick with porno and just get old

I think that I have VD

My penis fell off, ran away from me

Got on the bus, went to DC

Now it's in the Congress, making speeches

Boy George: Commie Chameleon

RED ALERT!!!!

Dr. Herbert Armbruster's weekly front-line report on the International Communist Conspiracy in these United States.

Does Boy George make you see Red? If so, you have no need to visit the opthamalogist eye doctor in the immediate future. You, sir, have 20-20 vision and are a true American patriot. Why do I make this inference? Because you see through his Commie deception. To speak the plain truth. Boy George is a transmission belt for Red propaganda of the basest sort. (This is not meant as any sort of slur on his fine bass player.) Neither nor is this a slur on the homosexualist community of these United States. Some of the most upstanding warriors in our nation’s fight against the Marxist-Leninist virus shared this inclination, from Roy Cohn to Herbert Hoover to John Birch himself. In fact, on further consideration, it seems to be a common denominator, though I can assure you I am not of this persuasion, ask my wife.

To return to the topic at hand, Boy George is (as his "Top 40" song implies) a true commie chameleon. In the manner of a chameleon, he cunningly assumes the form of a harmlessly androgynous wearer of funny hats. A true weak sister, he. No threat to anyone! Why, he wouldn’t hurt a fly! Thus, Lady Liberty drops her guard. And Mother Russia lands a sucker punch. And she’s no lady.

Don’t you see what’s happening, my friends? Don’t you see?

Oh I can see.

And I’ll tell you what I see.

Where “moralists” and “holy rollers” of the old-fashioned persuasion might see pink, a steely-eyed American patriot who’s in the know sees Red. And that’s what I see when Boy George takes the stage. (And I've been studying him for a long time and attend his concerts whenever possible, at considerable expense and much to the distress of my wife.) Yes. I’m not jumping to conclusions. No. I have been informed through utterly reliable sources that this “harmless” performer conceals and maintains a bulky shortwave radio set throughout his “gigs,” whereby he provides intelligence (in encrypted form) to his Red paymasters on American troop movements and what kids these days like. The lyrics of his so-called "songs" offer their own coded messages. Which is or are all too plain if you decode them. As I have, over many sleepless nights by the aid of a stockpile of vintage Benzedrine inhalers. It is both an acrostic and a substitution cipher.

By way of brief example, let’s consider the inner meaning of “Karma Chameleon.”

K=Kyrgyzstan

A=Alliance for Progress

R=Russia

M=Mao

A= Adlai Stevenson

C=Chevrolet

H=Hoover

A=Apple Pie

M=Mom

E=Excellent

L=Lenny Bruce

E=Eisenhower

O=OSS

N=Nehru.

This clearly indicates the Commie game plan. Do I need to spell it out?

Allow me to state the obvious.

While America’s unsuspecting juvenile delinquents listen to Boy George and subversive comedy albums, a pincher movement of combined USSR and Chi-Com forces will make a stealthy approach through the Kyrgyzstan salient, then drive through the Indian subcontinent in a blitzkrieg attack. The resulting land grab will destroy the American way of life and make our mothers cry through a combination of cheap labor and sacred cows. (Starting to catch my drift, friend?)I'm sure you have. By installing automobile and pie factories in the land of Gandhi and stealing American jobs, our standard of living will plummet and Red and Com-Symp unions will cry “strike!” — thereby making the fake “Greater Depression” worse, and proving Ike’s “missile gap” was a big lie. After the riots die down and the Commie paratroopers drop in, Joe Dokes will discover (when it’s far too late) that Nixon (in defiance of Adlai Stevenson) found the unholy truth in a pumpkin patch, and “Wild Bill” Donovan gets the last laugh.

What could be clearer than that?