Saturday, January 1, 2000

Traveler's Advisory

January 01, 2000

The U.S. Mission in India alerts U.S. citizens that a resurgence of the Thuggee cult has appeared in Mumbai. Cultists have been quoted as saying, “Kill for the love of killing. Kill for the love of Kali. Kill! Kill! Kill!" Several American tourists have been reported missing or strangled. Travelers are advised to take shelter in the Temple of Doom.

January 02, 2000

An alien spaceship has been discovered buried beneath a London subway station. Lead investigator Professor Quartermas reports that the craft is protected by an energy field and is turning London citizens into mindless zombies. A monster has also been sighted. In a related development, evil children with white hair and telekinetic powers have been reported in the village of Midwich. The U.S. Embassy advises U.S. citizens to vacation in Bristol.

January 02, 2000

The "Happy Fun Time Vietnam War Reenactment" tourist resort has been commandeered by a Colonel Walter Kurtz, a renegade Green Beret reported MIA in 1971. Animal sacrifice and drug use has been reported, along with the beheading of a visiting Cajun chef. U.S. citizens are advised to avoid the area and not wear black pajamas.

January 07, 2000

The Taliban is currently celebrating "Death to America" week and inviting Americans to participate. Host Osama bin Laden claims the event title is, "meant to be humorous. It is more like a barbecue -- strictly hallal of course -- with egg-rolling and other fun games!" U.S. citizens are advised not to attend.

January 04, 2000

A Mummy has been sighted near the Great Pyramid of Cheops making groaning noises and advancing slowly. Walter Higgins, a visiting America tourist, refused to move from his lawn chair and was torn to pieces. The chair, apparently, was resting on a sacred relic. The Mummy advanced on Mr. Higgins for approximately three hours before this happened; according to his wife, "He didn't take it seriously! He just sat there like an idiot until the damn thing got him!" Experts collaborate that the Mummy walks at a speed of approximately .25 miles an hour and can be easily avoided. For the sake of caution, U.S. citizens are advised to avoid the area.