Saturday, April 11, 1998

The Turdminator



Rows and rows of frozen action-adventure actors in plastic tubes, their faces barely distinguishable from their unfrozen selves. Camera tracks past SEAGAL, SCHWARZENNEGGER, STALONE, VAN DAMME...and rests on BRUCE WILLIS.


The same cryogenic freezing chamber. Some kind of electrical disturbance. A sphere of energy appears, lightning surrounding it. TERMINATOR 2 emerges in cop uniform, limps over to a massive control panel.

T2: I'm not the only thing that's lame around here.

He pushes a button. Cut to rotating warning light. Sound: emergency buzzers. WILLIS begins to thaw. T2 pushes another button. Cut to a row of smaller cryogenic freezing chambers where row on row of DEAD CONCEPTS have been frozen. We see one labelled: SLEEPER WAKES IN POST- APOCALYPTIC HORROR, SAVES WORLD. Its tube pops open. The script falls, wobbles deadbirdlike to the floor, still stiff. We see T2's hand enter frame, pick up the script.


Dead-on close-up WILLIS's chamber. We hear an elevator DING. Tube opens. WILLIS pitches forward onto face, out of frame. We hear him say "Ow." Cut to WILLIS, sitting on polished floor.

WILLIS: (rubbing nose) Ya play, ya pay. Oh baby...what a hangover. I feel like I died and somebody stuck me in a freezing tube for 500 years or something.

T2 walks up to him. WILLIS looks up at T2.

WILLIS: Oh yeah. Right. Shoulda figured...

T2: (handing him script) Your script.

WILLIS: Script?

T2: Just take it.

WILLIS: (taking it) Yeah, yeah. (starting to read, reacting) Oh god, oh thawed me out for this? This is pure sh--



Maze of transparent tubes pumping excrement. Sound: ominous rumblings. On an instrument panel, a telltale indicator moves from orange to red. A light flashes: FORESHADOWING.

Cut back to WILLIS and T2 --

WILLIS: (still reading) Oh my god--this is so...whew. Who wrote this?

T2: (impassive) He's been dead for over 500 years.

WILLIS: Yeah? It figures. (smirking, delivering a line) The guy was dead when he wrote this. (continues to read, reacting, then breaks off with disgust, stands up, waving script) Look at thing! I can't believe it! The writing is actually worse than my acting. It's an unbelievable piece of sh...

Sound: massive explosion. From deep underground, the worldwide sewage plants explode, covering the earth with liquified dung. Jump cuts of vast global destruction, people reacting in terror. Cut to bird's eye view of catamaran, skimming along the surface of a vast fecal ocean a la "Waterworld." Close in on WILLIS in the crow's nest, working his face into various attitudes. Suddenly, the boat jerks forward: WILLIS pitches off directly into the doodoo ocean. Go to underkaka camera where we see WILLIS swimming closer and closer, bubbles coming out of his mouth. We notice that WILLIS actually has gills in the side of his neck. He's swimming in shit. He's breathing shit. He notices camera, swims right up to it, mugs, smiles.

WILLIS: (distorted) Hey...ya gotta adapt!

MTV's Robe Rules

ARETHA FRANKLIN: Don't you blaspheme! Don't you blaspheme in here!
                                                            --from The Blues Brothers, 1980

The point is not to blaspheme. The point is everything's trivial if you filter it through the third generation of late 20th century self-talk -- including the Greatest Story Ever Told. That trivialization is my target -- not God, Jesus, religion, or anybody's idea of religion. Honest. Hopefully God will be impressed by this line of reasoning and I will not burn in hell. Meanwhile, here's...



Looking down from helicopter. Camera follows a Recreational Vehicle traveling over the paved highways of a modern mutation of Norman Jewison's high-tech, 1st century Israel , complete with TVs, telephones, tanks and other such 20th century technology. The Romans, of course, all speak with British accents...


JESUS and various disciples shoot the breeze. Handheld camera, real sound. The men are the official disciples, but there are just as many women. PETER drives. JESUS hangs over his shoulder, haggling about a road map.

JESUS: That's ... that's how you want to go to Capernaum?

PETER: Hey. I don't want to go to Capernaum in the first place, JC. But it's the quickest way there.

JESUS: (pointing at map) No, no, no. Go this way.

PETER: That's the long way, hoss.

JESUS: Then go the long way.

PETER: I don't wanna go the long way!

JESUS: You'll piss off the Romans.


JESUS: Well ...They got some kinda anachronistic rocket installation there. The short way goes right by it.


JESUS: Yeah. Route XVII. It's like right up their BLEEP. We got all these wires and satellite dishes on the roof of this thing. They kinda look like guns or something.

PETER: Give me a BLEEPing break! Seriously?

JESUS: Seriously! They see us driving up in this heap, they'll think we're Zealots or something. They've got firepower, man. Short drive, OK? Stain on the road. The Romans don't play around.

PETER: BLEEP the Romans.

JESUS: My sentiments exactly. But. Be cool.

PETER: Be cool? For real?

JESUS: For real. I mean you don't wanna piss off the Romans. You don't wanna do that. They'll BLEEP you up.

PETER: (mumbling) At least they won't micromanage my ass.

JESUS: Excuse me?

PETER: Nothing.

JESUS: No, you said something. I wanna hear it.

PETER: Forget it.

JESUS: I won't forget it. So ... I made a disparaging remark about the Romans. You said ...

PETER: At least they won't micromanage my ass.

JESUS: What? No way. You think? When did I ever ...

PETER: All the time! All the BLEEPing time!

JESUS: It's constructive criticism. I'm your navigator.

PETER: You're a boil on my BLEEPing, BLEEP! You wanna drive this thing?

JESUS: No. I wanna return to the subject of our route.

PETER: Agghhhh.

JESUS: This "short road" thing? Gotta say, Pete. Bad idea. Bad. It's just like we're occupied or whatever. These Romans. They're really into this authority trip.

PETER: Fine. We'll take the long way where the bad Romans can't hurt you.

JESUS: Hey! I'm not scared of the freaking Romans!'

MARY MAGDALENE: (to camera) He's scared.

PETER peels off on the junction at the last possible second. Tires squeal.

JESUS: I'm scared of your lousy driving, man. That's what I'm scared of.

MARY: (to Jesus) You're like so childlike and vulnerable when you're scared...

JESUS: (flattered but hiding it) Shut up. So Pete. Where's Capernaum? Are we there yet?

PETER: No. We're taking the long way. It's gonna take more time. That's what "long way" means.

JEUS: OK, I get it. So ... are we there yet?

PETER: "Are we there yet." Man, you are like a little kid...

JESUS: Yeah I am -- you gotta be. Hey that's good.

PETER: What?

JESUS: What you -- I mean what I just said. "You've got to be like a little kid."

PETER: Jesus...

JESUS: No, seriously, Pete, that's gold. "You've got to be like a little kid." I can use that. It's good material.

MARY M: Say "child." Like, "You gotta be like a little child." That sounds smarter.

JESUS: So ... are we there yet?

MARY: Jesus! It's like I'm BLEEPing invisible!

JESUS: You're not invisible, OK? I can see you!

MARY: I didn't mean literally you stu--

JESUS: Hey Peter! Are we there yet?




JESUS: Why not?

PETER: See the sign?

JESUS: You mean like from God?

PETER: No. The road sign. (pointing) You see it?

JESUS: Yeah.

PETER What's it say?


PETER: So we got LVII miles to go.

JESUS: The Romans use miles?

PETER: Yeah. The Romans use miles.

JESUS: I thought they used kilometers.

PETER: No. The Romans invented miles.

JESUS: Oh. Are we there yet?

PETER grits teeth, rolls eyes, drives. 

Speeded-up footage -- Handmade Films feel: JESUS and crew in Capernaum being chased by mob.

Outside the city gates, JESUS stops, shakes the dirt off his megatrendy sneakers. Turns back and hollers.

JESUS: Capernaum sucks! You're all a bunch of BLEEPBLEEPBLEEP! My daddy's going to make you cry!

He runs away. Shouts again.

JESUS: Start the RV! Start the RV! 

The RV pulls into frame, driving over the waves. It continues to the middle of the lake, then stops, suspended on top of the water.

Everyone's getting a little tense --

JESUS: (looking out window) Where the BLEEP are we?

MARY M: Like, how come you gotta ask? I thought you're like supposed to be omnipotent or something?

JUDAS: (popping up from behind the next seat) You mean "omniscient."

MARY M: Yeah thanks, Mr. Dictionary. But with you it's impotent.

JUDAS: BLEEP off. (grabbing crotch) You wanna find out?

MARY: Not with you I don't.

JESUS: Stay on your side, Judas!

JUDAS slinks behind the seat.

JESUS: This is bad. This is really bad.

JUDAS: (OS) This is bad. This is really bad.

JESUS: Where are we?

MARY: On a lake, duh? Where do you think?

JESUS: What lake where? That's what I think.

JUDAS: (OS) Hey Mary...

JESUS: (edging into hysteria) What lake where? That's the question. I'm really asking the question. Somebody answer it. Please. Hello?

JUDAS: Yo. Mary...

MARY: I don't like you and I'm not talking to you.

JESUS: Where. Are. We.

JOHN: Well you know what they say. "Wherever you go there you are."

JUDAS: That's great, John. Advice from a reetard.

JOHN: Like you're so smart.

JESUS: Tell me where I am. Tell me where I am.

JUDAS: Hey, JC. You're seriously freaking out about this.

JESUS: No kidding.

JUDAS: What's your problem?

JESUS: I had this thing when I was a kid. My mom and dad got lost in Egypt. We just kept driving in circles for miles and miles and it really scared the living BLEEP out of me. All those pointy things sticking out of the desert? I hate those things! Really freaking traumatized me.


JESUS: So, I hate not knowing where I am. It really pushes my anxiety buttons.That's my problem.

MARY: So solve the problem.

JESUS: Solve the problem?

MARY M: Yeah. Can't You, like, find out where You are? That should be easy for You. You're like totally omniscient, right?

JUDAS applauds. MARY gives him the finger.

MARY: Seriously, You are omniscient?

JESUS: (whispering) It's much deeper than that.

MARY: Don't you know everything?

JESUS: It's not that simple.

MARY: Can't you go inside Your mind and see a vision from outer space that shows us where we are or something?

JESUS: (irritated) No, OK? No, Mary, I can't. No, I don't know everything. No, I don't get readouts in my head from orbiting satellites. No, I don't have the first BLEEPing clue where we are. You happy, Mary? I know BLEEP. (addressing the bus) Did everybody hear that?

They all nod.

MARY: Like sorry, Jesus. (muttering) Jesus...

Her eyes suddenly brighten.

MARY: Wait, wait, wait. Oh my God. Jesus. I know exactly what you should do. Don't go into Your mind like I first said. Float up in the sky for real.

JESUS: You got to be BLEEPing me.

MARY: No. I think it'll work.

JESUS: I think you're out of your freaking mind. No offense. Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence. But I really can't do that flying BLEEP. Its not like I'm Superman.

MARY: You're not? Wow. Like, I thought you're like God.

JESUS: Sorry to disappoint you.

They ride in silence.

MARY: So you're not right?

JESUS: Not what? Omniscient?

MARY: No. You're not, like, God?

JESUS: You really want to open that can of worms?

MARY: Yeah.

JUDAS: Yeah, JC. Open it! Stop dancing around the issue.

JESUS: Hey, I'm the son of God, you're the freaking accountant. The day you start telling me ...

JUDAS: (OS) I'm not telling! I'm asking!

JESUS: It sounds like telling to me, man.

JUDAS: (OS) Are you God? Yes or no? It's a legitimate question!

JOHN: (OS) Everyone please leave Jesus alone.

JESUS: You stay out of this! I don't need your freaking help!

JOHN: (OS) Fine!

More silence. Then Jesus turns to Mary.

JESUS: Listen, kid. I'm not trying to duck the question.

JUDAS: (OS) Why not? You're pretty damn good at it.

JESUS: Shut the hell up, Judas!


JESUS: See ... This God thing? It's complicated. You wouldn't ...

MARY: I'm not stupid!

JESUS: Yeah, you are. But I'll explain anyway. You see, Mary. God is in me and I'm in God and I am God but I'm human too and it gets real complicated. But I can't see through walls and I can't fly AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

JOHN: (OS) See what you're doing to Him? He's under a great deal of strain!

PETER: (OS) Wow. Amazing insight, John. Thanks for pitching in.

MARY M: You guys! Stop arguing! This is all just stupid anyway!

Everybody turns and looks at her.

MARY: Why not ask directions?

The RV backs up, making a beep-beep-beeping noise. It eventually reaches dry ground, then drives away.

Rolling again. JUDAS, talking one-on-one to a handheld camera. Everyone else is asleep. Except for Mary in her seat and PETER at the wheel.

JUDAS: So, after all that BLEEP, we finally hit the road. The day is shot, the next town's shut down by the time we get there. We find a Motel VI, like always. I do the books. Then I go up to His room, and it's not a pretty sight. The Apostles are lying around like they're stoned and He's got "Mary the Supposedly Ex-Prostitute" rubbing oil on his feet, like this foot massage deal. Oil, OK? The good stuff! Yeah, God Jr. spent all our money on oil for his favorite prostitute. And I'm telling myself, "OK, Judas. This time, don't bite your tongue. Deal with it" So I confront Him. And right away, He goes into one of His things, this passive-aggressive rant like He could die at any minute and I should really appreciate Him while I can. Like this rehearsed speech, OK? Like He's ready for me -- like He's been BLEEPing lying in wait for me to make me an example. You want to know what really burns my ass?


JUDAS: Next week, He'll totally forget this. He'll be like, "Wow, Judas. The money box is really light. Do you know anything about that?"

CAMERAMAN: (OS) You sound bitter.

JUDAS: No, no, no. Heh. I'm not bitter. I'm just thinking like a professional, man. I'm the only one here who understands math! Like, he invites a thousand people at the last minute and buys like five fish and a bread stick. "Wow, we forgot to order enough fish." Then He makes more fish! I'm just trying to do my job here. I don't want to be punished for doing my job. Or singled out like the freaking bad kid who gets sent to the corner. He's always doing that. Not that I don't appreciate Him. I mean ... He's a beautiful person.

MARY: "He's a beautiful person."

JUDAS: Eat BLEEP Mary, OK? (lowering voice) He's always making me the bad guy.

MARY: (OS) "He's always making me the bad guy."

JUDAS: Shut up, OK? Make yourself useful. Put your lips on BLEEP centurion's BLEEP and bring back some money.


JUDAS: (sotto voce) She's got a thing for me. That's why she busts my balls.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) You really think He makes you the bad guy?

JUDAS: I know He does. Yeah, He makes me the bad example, like Goofus in those old Highlights magazines. "See how Judas did it. That's what not to do." And He's always doing that, man. He sets me up to make a point, and I hate that. But I'm not bitter, to deal with your previous observation. There are tensions in any professional dynamic. He's a beautiful person, more importantly, He's got insights. Between you, me and 12 million viewers, I don't know about this God thing. But He's tapped into something, I know that. Ten years from now, we'll be running this country. So, it's worth it, OK?


Handheld camera now trained on MARY.

CAMERAMAN: So, the oil situation ...

MARY: I didn't buy it. It was like just there, OK? It seemed like a good idea.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Whose idea was it?

MARY: (hesitating) Mmm ... mine. Like, He looked all stressed out? And I kinda needed it, too. Like, I needed to make that connection. I was feeling, like, so unconnected.


MARY: 'Cause He's always pushing me away. Like all the time. Like this emotional wall? Normally, I deal. But today it was like in my face. He ignores me, won't even talk to me. Then He sees some other sinner with big tits, He's suddenly protective.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) What happened?

MARY: We went to, like, this village? Like this really, really shitty village where everyone poor? And the town square's like this rilly bad club for losers the good clubs throw out. Like a mob, y'know? Like all these losers had like rocks they're going to throw at this prostitute and she's like really scared? Then Jesus appears out of nowhere. He's just standing there like, "I'm your savior."  And He's all, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." And I'm all, "Hello? Like notice me, OK?" And He's like "I'm gonna visit the sinners and prostitutes." And I'm like, "You got a prostitute right here? Like, right under your nose? Like notice me? Cast a stone in my direction?" I, I know what I want is sex. I know what they want, too. But they're like in denial?

The camera pans away.

MARY M: Bring that back! I'm not done talking. Bring it back now.

Camera pans back to her.

MARY M: OK! What was I saying?

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Denial. Something about denial.

MARY: Yeah, yeah, right. These 12 guys have sex on the brain. Or maybe 11 -- forget I said that, huh? But I know what they're thinking.They can't hide it from me. These robes they wear -- that linen's like toilet paper. (snickers) Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about -- and never want to talk about.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Do you want to talk about it?

MARY: I want to talk about Jesus. Who does He think he is? I rilly wanna say that sometimes.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) But you don't.

MARY M: No. I kiss his ass. I'm Goody Two Shoes. Little Miss Suck-up.


MARY M: Why. Cause it's like, the pressure of public opinion, y'know? It's like everybody says, "Wow, he's like Mr. Messiah," like He's got this big new thing, like the flavor of the month, y'know? That's what they say. Like they're so really impressed with His theology -- like He's got a theology? I mean He just mumbles and He doesn't even answer when one of those old guys in black robes asks Him a question. Why are you looking at me like that? It's just a bra strap. God!

CAMERAMAN: (OS) I'm not ...

MARY M: OK, OK. What I just said? That's maybe not 100% true. Like He does ...

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Does what?

MARY: Answer, y'know? Like, I'm not saying He clams up. Those old guys will ask him, like, whatever? He'll say something, yeah, but it never makes any sense, y'know? I would totally love it if He asked them a question for once. Like ... "Hey, it's the desert. Why do you wear black robes?"

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Good question.

MARY: I know! And I thought of it. But who am I? Little Miss Nobody Whore, that's who. But all these disciples and these other chicks they're all like, "Oh, Jesus is the greatest, Jesus knows everything about God, we're like sooo in with Jesus because Jesus is sooo spiritual" -- that's such bullBLEEP, right? I know what they rilly want. Him, too. But He's so, like above it all.

CAMERAMAN: You want to bring Him down?

MARY: I want Him to be real! He's not like made of light and fairydust or whatever. He's just Him, you know? He's a guy, right? He's got a BLEEP under that robe.

CAMERAMAN: You're talking about sex again?

MARY: Yeah, I am. So what? I mean it's sex, it's all sex. Animal attraction, OK? He's got it baby. Woo-hoo! (snaps her fingers) Am I making you nervous?


MARY: Yeah, I am. That's what I do to guys. But sex is the magnet, it always is. Especially with You-Know-Who. Why do you think these losers are hanging around with an unemployed carpenter? You think it's spiritual? No way. I know why. They want Him! That's why they're so defensive because they don't want to admit it.

CAMERAMAN: Admit what? You keep insinuating ... what? The Apostles are gay?

MARY: No! Well, everybody's gay. But they're not like gay-gay. I meant like monkeys and surfers. There's always like an alpha male, and the other males want to hang out with him? I saw that on TV, like this nature show. They want Him like that.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) And you want Him ...

MARY: Like totally the other way. Wacka-wacka. And I know I want him, y'know? I'm just being honest but they're like hypocrites? I mean it's just like High School, like clicks, right? And they're all like, "Mary's not cool -- we're like better than Mary -- we're not going to let Mary play any reindeer games." Or whatever.You think you got enough material? I got a lot more to --


JOHN: The way I see it love is like the spokes on a wheel. There's love between man and God; there's the love between a man and a woman; there's friendship; there's family love and then there's the love between a man and a man. (pause) And I am not gay.


PETER: So no, I didn't tell Him about the guns. And you don't tell Him either, savvy? He don't need to know. I mean if the Romans go, "Hey, Jesus. You got any guns on the bus?" What's He gonna say? He's a big name, a public religious figure. Suppose He lies about that shit, then gets caught? That'd put Him in a compromising position in the eyes of the media, huh? I'm not gonna take that risk. Way I see it: I don't know what God's gonna tell Him to do next. And Jesus don't know about no guns. We're even.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) What if God tells him about the guns?

PETER: You know that never BLEEPing occurred to me.


More speeded-up, pop footage. Disciples and Jesus chicks shopping, trying on hats, standing on walls. Comic bit where Jesus knocks over money changers' tables and runs. Montage of the Last Supper... 

JUDAS doing another one-on-one.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Start at the beginning.

JUDAS: Yeah. Very good place to start, right? OK, anyway, it's Passover. Gonna have a nice meal, say all the stuff in the book, fill my pockets with trinkgeld. Shoulda been nice, OK? But I knew He's going to do it to me again. That Goofus and Gallant crap, OK?

CAMERAMAN: (OS) How did you know?

JUDAS: A BLEEPing burning bush warned me, OK? Hey, I'm just BLEEPing with you. Seriously, He told me in the lobby, before we sat down. He takes me aside, starts whispering. "This is a very special moment, Judas. I got a lot I wanna say. Spiritual stuff. So I don't wanna talk or think about money. Money's bad, that's in the Bible somewhere. So, you deal with the money, waiters, tips, whatever. It's Passover, how hard could it be? We'll order the same thing, split the check when I'm done. When I'm done, Judas. I can't stress that enough."

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Great imitation.

JUDAS: Thanks, man. Anyway, we eat, we talk, He says stuff, why is this day any different, yattayatta. All of a sudden, He goes off script -- I think He was talking about cannibalism or something, or maybe He just said, "Eat me." I hit the wine pretty early, OK? The details are kinda fuzzy.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) When did it go bad?

JUDAS: Right at the end, like always. The waiter brings the check. But there's more than one check! These rat bastard Apostles went behind my back and it's separate checks. Totally BLEEPing confused, stuff's crossed out, nobody knows what's what. So they start arguing. Who ordered the house wine? No, I'm not going to pay for that. Let's just split the tip. No, all I had was a matzoh, I'm not going to split the tip. And Jesus is like, "Handle it, Judas. Just pick up the check out of your own money, Judas. Just take everybody's shit, Judas." So I said -- "I'm outta here. I'm not going to pay. This time I'm not going to pay."

CAMERAMAN: (OS)  Then what happened?

JUDAS: Well, you filmed it, right?

EXT, garden - night
JESUS and friends are praying. JUDAS enters with a bunch of Roman soldiers.

JUDAS: Jesus! Who loves you, baby?

JESUS: God, you sound like Kojak, man.

JUDAS walks up and kisses him, then turns to the Romans. He points at JESUS, who is wiping his cheek with the back of his hand.

JUDAS: It's that guy.

JESUS: Aw, man.

JUDAS: Now you're going to pay, Jesus. Now you're gonna pay.

The Romans advance.

JUDAS: "One big check" my ass! He had the house special and the appetizer and the wine. Don't let him skip!

The Romans advance. PETER leaps in with an automatic weapon and shoots them all.

JESUS: What'd you do that for? I'm supposed to get crucified!

PETER: Yeah, right. So the goyim could blame the Jews forever? Forget it, hoss. Let's roll.

JESUS: Wow. (looking at pile of dead Centurions) We better blame terrorists or something. Are there terrorists in this alternate reality?

PETER: Shitloads.

JESUS: Nice. Hey Judas. Be a pal. Settle-up the tab, then haul ass to the RV. We'll meet up where my Dad rained down fire on that village over the hill. Thanks in advance, man.

JUDAS: You motherBLEEP.

The RV drives off.

Private sulks. Nobody's talking. 

Finally ...

JUDAS: Hey Jesus. I'm sorry, OK? Really.

JESUS: I forgive you, Judas.

JUDAS: Yeah, thanks...

JESUS: Don't thank Me. I'm the Savior. That's my job.

JUDAS: You're good at it, Jesus.

JESUS: Yeah. And you get blamed for everything. That's your job.

They drive in silence for awhile.

JESUS: So. No harm no foul?

JUDAS: No ... What are you talking about?

JESUS: Loose ends, dummy. Did we leave any?

JUDAS: Peter got rid of the bodies.

JESUS: Yeah. It was worth the extra time. Better to have a chainsaw and not need it and need it and not have it. Right, Peter?

PETER: Amen, bro.

JESUS: Anything else?

JUDAS: Not that I can think of.

JESUS: What about the bill?

JUDAS doesn't answer.

JESUS: I mean you paid, right?

JUDAS doesn't say anything.

JESUS: Tell me you paid.

JUDAS: Well, that'd be lying, 'K? You're down on that BLEEP. Last time I checked.

JESUS: Aw, c'mon. Seriously? You didn't pay?

JUDAS: Not a freaking shekel.

JESUS: You stiffed the Passover Hut?

Silence. Road noises....long pause.

JUDAS: Yeah I stiffed the Passover Hut.

More uncomfortable silence.

JESUS: Eh, BLEEP it. We're Christians now, who gives a BLEEP? Let's go make people feel guilty about having sex! Who's with me?

Everybody cheers.

Except for MARY M.

The RV drives off into the sunset.

Creepy "GREASER'S PALACE" ending follows after break.

Tuesday, April 7, 1998

Bad Combination

Bad Combination: Midwesterners and All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants.

I don't mean all Midwesterners, understand. Just the ones who go to All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants, heh-heh-heh. Most of 'em are just good folks, yep. They ain't all gluttons. (Heck, that's like saying all Southerners are racists.) Guess I got outta that one...

So, returning to the discussion to the subset of Midwesterners with their double-wide asses at All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants ...

What's up with you people? You eat like it's some kinda job or something. Like you've suddenly landed in Alladin's treasure cave and you're scooping up all the gold and jewels in sight. Look at all this food! We can eat as much food as we want!

As much as we want turns out to be infinite food, which is why the place resembles a circle in hell of eternal torment that Dante never got around to writing about.

There's people going through the line six times, seven times, loading up the old segmented plastic tray then running back to their tables and stuffing it in, mmmmboy, ten metric tons of Miss Applebee's Extruded Chicken Substance! That's coming in from my right hand -- now let's get my left hand working! Let's stuff my face with more of that dee-licious Lettuce-in-a-Bag with "realred" Methane Tomatoes! Boyhowdy I wish I had a mouth right in my stomach -- that'd save even more time!

Choff, choff, CHOFF!

Saving time seems to be important. You get the feeling they've done little informal time motion studies. I'll open my sugar and butter patties all at once and line 'em up, that saves me 14 seconds. Put the ice tea over here, that'll save me two steps and half a second so's I can grab me a roll from the plate over there. Ain't crossing my hands and getting all tangled up that way. Feature that...

Nobody's talking because that would waste time. They eat with two hands, which saves even more time. They eat mechanically, getting into a chewing rhythm groove here, especially the mouth breathers -- chomp, chomp, chomp, breathe, chomp, chomp, chomp, breathe, take a drink, say "Well that was sure good." Back to "Chomp, chomp, chomp, breathe..."

ChompCHOMPChompCHOMP. Balls of liquid spray are jetting out of their mouths like sweat from a boxer's head after he takes a good punch. ChoffaCHOFFAchoffaCHOMP. They're just stuffing it in. ChompCHOMPChompCHOMPCHOFFCHOFF. Food is hanging from the ears of old lady who looks like she should be dead: strings of spinach like jewelry. Some bald guy with hypertension bugeyes is mushing a biscuit into his trash-masher maw and the mechanism starts grinding RRRRRR, chunk, RRRRRR, chunk, RRRRRRRRRR! and, like the rest of 'em, he's not bothering to close the old mouth, either -- that would waste time too and there is food here -- it must be eaten quickly! -- RRRRRRcrunchcrunch! -- the food is here and it is our DUTY to eat this food! --- RRRRRRR! -- and those metallic jaws are just mashing up and down revealling multicolored institutional food smooshed up between the teeth, some of it falling down like a stray can of NIFDA lard from the dumpster when it gets hefted up by the clanging, pneumatic Waste Management truck -- jaws clanging, RRRR, CLANG, RRRR, CLANG -- Biscuit! Chicken! Mashed Potatoes! It's a ten-car, "Death on the Highway" salad bar pileup!

They feed and feed and the food seems to actually suffer in their pink falsetoothed mouths. It's like watching Godzilla's giant lizard tongue clean out a schoolbus full of screaming Japanese schoolchildren. Put the goddamn food out of its misery already!

All this may explain why most of them are rolling with fat. These people must have been bears in another life. They think they're going to hibernate. Or maybe they think there'll be another Great Depression and they'll be walking around slapping their fat while the rest of us starve...

MIDWESTERNER: (slapping stomach) Shoulda stocked up during the "fat years," son. Shoulda planned ahead!

Well OK, Mister personalized license plate Cadillac BUCKEYE. Ever occur to you there's maybe a reason the food is "all you can eat"...? This is the food that no one else wants. This is what's left over after they make Spam. This is what's too disgusting to go into sausages -- even Mexican sausages. This is the food that gets sent back from Food Lion. This is the food from the dumpsters of other restaurants that gets sent to a massive Institutional Food processing plant in Dayton Ohio, vulcanized, and turned into new Institutional Food, sorta like the corpses in Soylent Green.

But there sure is plenty of it!