Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Terrorist Sell

OPEN: Still pic of happy, smiling American child. Camera pulls back.

NARRATOR: Suzie is a lucky child. Her parents love her, give her a good home, give her enough to eat. There are millions like her in America -- but you can help change that. For only a few drachmas a month, you can disrupt a happy American child by financing your very own suicide bomber. Won't you help? Give to Osama bin Laden's "KILL THE CHILDREN FOUNDATION" Together, we...


OSAMA watching TV. He clicks it off with clicker.

OSAMA: Somehow this isn't working. We make the appeal but the money isn't coming in. Yet it must be going somewhere...

Go to --

BEEVIS and BUTTHEAD in livingroom filled with money. BEEVIS has his t-shirt around his head and has morphed into CORNHOLIO.

BUTT-HEAD: Look at all this money, huh huh huh. Money's cool.

BEEVIS: I am the great Cornholio! I need some teepee for my bunghole!

BUTT-HEAD: We should like go on a plane and be like pilots or something.

BEEVIS: Are you threatening me?

BUTT-HEAD: Chicks dig pilots....

Back to OSAMA -- he's going through credit card receipts.

OSAMA: 8-27, Lap-dance; 8-28, lap-dance, all night escort service, $600 ATM withdrawl from "Diamond Dolls," $10 bank fee; 8-29, $12.75, box cutters and industrial lubricant Ace Hardware...(whacking receipt) Well that explains it!

ACCOUNTANT: (Woody Allenesque) Begging your pardon your worshipful horribleness, but your humble cringing slave did, uh, make a certain suggestion concerning purchase orders...

OSAMA shoots him.

ACCOUNTANT: Teflon-coated bullets...$59.95 a clip....try getting advice like that from Quickbooks. (he falls dead)

OSAMA: Ah shit, I killed another accountant. And now I'm out of money...wha?

OSAMA reacts as two THUGS drag in what looks like a very old Jon Voight -- none other than MILO MINDERBINDER!

MILO: Allow me to...

OSAMA: Kill him.

MILO: Your loss. (shrugs) It's a simple business proposition. Just hear me out.

OSAMA shrugs to indicated "OK." The THUGS release him.

MILO: I think I see a way out of your cash flow difficulty -- you realize the media exposure you're getting? You can leverage that. Some serious bucks...

OSAMA: Which I will use to kill your brothers and sisters.

MILO: I don't have a problem with that.

YOSSARIAN'S GHOST: (appearing next to MILO) It's all illusion, Milo. (MILO briefly reacts, but ignores ghost)

OSAMA: You would betray your own people?

YOSSARIAN'S GHOST: Numbers, Milo. Just numbers....

MILO winces -- as if an irritating bug is buzzing around his head. MILO seems to sense YOSSARIAN -- makes violent effort to will the ghost out of existence. MILO turns his attention back to OSAMA --

MILO: Hey, it's gonna happen anyway. I might as well take advantage, right? It's called free enterprise.

YOSSARIAN'S GHOST: (fading away) Flesh and blood, Milo, that's what's real. Flesh and...

OSAMA: And what if everyone else thought this way?

MILO: Then I'd be a fool to think any differently.

OSAMA: And this idea?

MILO: Two words.

OSAMA: Two words?

MILO: (with an air of delivering a deal-clinching punchline) Product placement. (He waggles his eyebrows triumphantly)

OSAMA mulls it over. His eyes brighten.

OSAMA: It's so evil, it just might work!

Cut to: commercial for COMFORT INN. INT, room.

TERRORIST plops down on bed.

TERRORIST: Comfortable...and affordable! With rates like this, my only problem is wiring my savings back home!

* * *

INT, plane. Turban-wearing TERRORIST tick-ticking away at Sony Vaio.

PASSENGER: What's on your Sony Vaio?

TERRORIST smiles evilly...

* * *

Cut to: POV of security cam watching TERRORISTS enter airport. One of them holds bag up to camera. We see the label: L.L. Bean.

* * *

Go to -- INT, plane. Two terrorists in reclining seats.

TERRORIST: When you go to meet Allah go first class.

TERRORIST: Go American Airlines!

STEWARDESS places pillow under one of their heads.

* * *

TERRORIST stands in center of baseball stadium -- he's extravagantly wired with dynamite.

TERRORIST: You have made your choice America -- as I have made mine! Now is the time, America!

Cut to -- Large screen video monitor above stadium magnifying his image to giant-size scale as he lifts Pepsi to his mouth and drinks.

TERRORIST: Take the Pepsi challenge!

* * *

Go to -- BRUCE DERN in Goodyear Blimp.

DERN: (reaching for switch on killer dart machine) They're gonna remember me, oh yeah, they're gonna remember me. (turning to camera) If not, remember GOODYEAR -- first in tire performance!

FEMALE TERRORIST: Get the logo in frame, you fool.

Blimp turns, we see logo -- then the blimp fires over stadium -- which the Pepsi Challenge Terrorist has already blown up.

DERN: Ah shit, the Pepsi terrorists got here first.


Go to -- flaming grottos of hell. YOSSARIAN's walking around. MILO appears poking away at handheld calculator...

YOSSARIAN: Yeah, I figured you'd get here.

MILO: Is this hell?

YOSSARIAN: Do you want to go to hell?

MILO: Oh God...oh God...I'm gonna be here forever...

YOSSARIAN: I tried to tell you. It's just numbers, Milo. Numbers...

A DEMON appears and offers MILO some chocolate covered cotton.

DEMON: Cotton candy?

MILO takes it, eats. YOSSARIAN walks off, shaking head, and fades away sadly...

Monday, October 8, 2001

Operation Richard Simmons

Evidently we're dropping food on Afghanistan. What would Richard Simmons say?



RICHARD SIMMONS: (hand on hip) What do you MEAN you’re dropping food -- just indiscriminately dropping food? Have you ever considered the weight problem? They don’t know how to count calories! They need my “Deal a Meal”...!

RUMSFELD's eyes narrow.


Army grunts push RICHARD SIMMONS, along with thousands of “Deal a Meals” or fuckingwhatever his latest scam is now called, through the open cargo bay door.



AFGHAN PEASANT: (stretching out arms and looking at sky) Fuck -- it’s Richard Simmons.

RICHARD SIMMONS crushes him.

Tuesday, October 2, 2001

Uncle Sam and Santa

Uncle Sam gets stabbed in the back. Now it looks like Bin Laden's next victim will be -- Santa Claus.

Yeah, you heard right.

Santa Claus.

Seeing as how our economy has turned into a warped whipsaw in which 90% of all retail selling depends on "holiday gifting," if you kill consumer spending, you kill Christmas, you send America into a recession, you kick America in the nuts. If Santa dies, the terrorists win. You follow me so far? Great.

So now, it's become our patriotic duty to SPEND. It's like WWII turned inside out. I can see the propaganda short now. A B&W cartoon -- Chuck Jones or somebody doing bit for the war effort -- all old, scratched and skippy. Bad sound....

* * *

Open, title card. Blaring music. . .


Cut to, INT, JOE AMERICAN's garage. JOE AMERICAN kinda looks like the guy on the "Man Show" logo. Bald, beer-gutted, middle-aged, open-mouthed dopey and good-natured.

JOE AMERICAN s tinkering around with a busted radio he's trying to fix. Burning away with the old soldering iron...

UNCLE SAM walks into the garage.

UNCLE SAM: Say, Joe American, are you a terrorist?


UNCLE SAM: Well, what do you think you're doing?

JOE AMERICAN: I'm fixing this radio.

UNCLE SAM: "Fixing"...?

JOE AMERICAN: (puzzled) Yeah, that's right.

UNCLE SAM: You're "fixing the radio"...? Not buying a new one?


UNCLE SAM: Well, I guess that makes you a terrorist!


UNCLE SAM: Don't you see that's exactly what Osama bin Towelhead wants? If you buy a new radio, someone else will have to make that radio...

JOE AMERICAN: It's a Sony.

UNCLE SAM: OK, uh. But someone in America will still have to SELL that radio. Which means someone on the dock to take that radio off the ship from Japan, someone to drive that radio in a truck to Best Buy, someone to stock the radio, a bored clerk who ignores you until you buy it, a bored old guy on a stool who checks your package on the way out to make sure you're not shoplifting, a bored techie on the help-line who ignores you when you call to say the radio's broken, a bored clerk at the Best Buy customer service window who also ignores you, a bored techie in a Dungeons and Dragon t-shirt in the little corner of Best Buy where they fix stuff under warranty assuming you've paid for another warranty who, after insulting you, finally fixes your radio, not to mention the bored old guy on the stool who once again checks your package on the way out to make sure you're not shoplifting when you take your radio back home.


UNCLE SAM: But if you fix that radio yourself -- you're putting all those people out of work -- you might as well be working for Osama! You might as well be a terrorist. Imagine!

A thought balloon pops over JOE AMERICAN's head. Inside, we see a quick fantasy clip of JOE AMERICAN driving monster truck full of dynamite through the Best Buy barriers and into the store where it explodes with vicious intensity.

Thought balloon disappears.

JOE AMERICAN: (throwing radio to garage floor and stomping on it) To hell with that! I'm buying something I don't need RIGHT NOW!

UNCLE SAM salutes him. JOE AMERICAN salutes back and skeedaddles out of the scene. UNCLE SAM then turns around and addresses us...

UNCLE SAM: But what about YOU, America? Are you...

(Go to montage to illustrate --)

Saving your money?
Making do with less?
Repairing old appliances or clothes to make them last?

....then YOU might as well be a terrorist!

(In a 3-way split frame, various cartoon Americans react -- spending, consuming, throwing away)

UNCLE SAM: Are you sitting around on a quiet Sunday afternoon playing Scrabble?

Go to -- AMERICAN FAMILY doing just that.

AMERICAN FAMILY: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

UNCLE SAM: Then YOU might as well be a terrorist! Get in your car and go someplace! Ask yourself, "Is this trip really necessary?" If the answer is "no" -- then "go!"

Go to -- AMERICAN FAMILY. They react. Get in the car and go. Horizon before them dissolves into rippling American flag...

Back to --

UNCLE SAM: Do your part, America! Throw some sand in Osama bin Towelhead's killing machine!

(Cartoon illustrates; America throws sand in gears of killing machine, exaggerated Tojo-like caricature of bin Laden reacts with fury)

Back to UNCLE SAM -- SANTA appears right next to him.

SANTA: (rubbing eyes) Why...I can't believe my eyes! Christmas is saved.

UNCLE SAM: The country is saved.

SANTA and UNCLE SAM turn and salute each other. They turn back to us.

UNCLE SAM/SANTA: Join the fight, America! Osama has his weapons; we have ours. Credit cards! (UNCLE SAM and SANTA whip out credit cards and aim them at the audience) And you do too! You and you and you, America! Credit cards! Millions and millions of credit cards! It's in your wallet, in your pocket book - yours, mine, all of us, the arsenal of democracy, unstoppable. PRESENT ARMS, AMERICA!

Quick clip thousands of hands thrusting credit cards to the sky.




Go to quick fantasy sequence of credit cards falling like bombs and exploding on Osama.

UNCLE SAM/SANTA: (in unison -- both pointing at us) Spend your money, America!

Dissolve to end credits over rippling flag logo. Patriotic music plays. "Spend your money, America."