My Dinner with Ahab

INT, PEQUOD, CAPTAIN’S TABLE - NIGHT
Captain Ahab and his officers sit around the captain's table. They’re all in a good mood, except for Captain Ahab, who sits alone, muttering to himself. He's hunched over a bowl of unidentified slop and occasionally spoons some into his mouth.

Starbuck walks in with Jack. The new kid. Most of the Officers look up. Ahab doesn't.

Starbuck: This here be Jack. He’s the new lieutenant.

Officer 1: Welcome aboard, lad. Tuck in. Cooky sliced up a tuna twice as big as me. Plenty for all. 

Jack sits down. An underling spears and plops a giant tuna steak on his plate.

Jack: Wow, that’s a whale of a steak!

Captain Ahab: (looking up slowly) Whale??

The Officers groan. One of them dope-slaps the new kid.

Jack: What? What did I do?

Captain Ahab: Ahh. The whale. The whale ... That reminds me it does.

The Officers groan again. 

Officer #1: Here we go.

Captain Ahab: Did I ever tell ye lads about the Great White Whale?

Starbuck: Yes, sir. As a matter of fact. You did.

Captain Ahab: What?

Starbuck: Captain, with all due respect, you've told this story a thousand times.

Captain Ahab: (pointing at Jack) Well ... he ain't heard it.

Starbuck: One thousand and one.

Jack looks up, mouthful of food.

Jack: Huh?

Starbuck dope-slaps him.

Captain Ahab: Aye, lad. Here be the sad and sorry tale.

Captain Ahab lights pipe. Takes his sweet f***ing time before he begins.

Captain Ahab: It were a dark and moonless night ... 

The Officers all mime the words as he says them.

Captain Ahab: I was minding me own business ... when that sodding leviathan ...

Starbuck: Bit your leg off.

Captain Ahab: (pounds table) Who be telling this story? You or me?

Starbuck: You, Captain. You.

Captain Ahab: Aye. As I were saying .... where was I?

Starbuck: Whale. Bit your leg off.

Captain Ahab: Not just any whale, damn your eyes! Moby Dick! Moby Dick were his name!

Jack: The whale has a name?

Captain Ahab: Aye.

Starbuck: Yeah. (nodding to Ahab) He named him.

Jack: Why "Moby Dick" ...?

Captain Ahab: Because he's a dick!

Starbuck: Well, he is a sperm whale. 

The Officers laugh.

Captain Ahab: Ye think this is funny? Aye. Laugh it up, gentlemen. We shall pursue this unholy behemoth to the ends of the seven seas!

Starbuck: What's the point?

Captain Ahab: Revenge! Revenge be the only point!

Starbuck: Aw, Captain. Shouldn't ya just forgive and forget?  
(takes out pitchpipe) I think this song explains it all ...

Blows a note on the pitchpipe. The Officers all begin singing.

Live and let live, let Nature be your teacher
Respect the life of your fellow creature 

Captain Ahab: No! Bugger that hippie shit. I shall not never be deterred from my purpose! I aim to hunt this bleached monstrosity, catch him and kill him!

Starbuck: How, sir? It's a very big ocean.

Captain Ahab: Aye. To catch a whale, ye have to think like a whale. That's why I've been eating nothing but plankton for the last three weeks.

Spoons green slop into his mouth. Gags, but chokes it down.

Starbuck: How's that working out?

Captain Ahab: Not too good, but I ...

(OS) Whale song, trilling from outside.

Captain Ahab: What in the name of Poseidon's balls ...?

The room violently shakes.

Officer #3: It be the whale, sir! He's humping the boat!

Captain Ahab: Ah, Moby! You dick!

The room shakes again.

Audio: (OS)

Live and let live, let Nature be your teacher 
Respect the life of your fellow creature 
Live and let live, it's not such a trick.
And whatever you do, please don't be a dick.

Band with the Runs

(to the tune of Paul McCartney's "Band on the Run")

Mexican cantina.
Two-for-one burritos.
Drippy chimichangas.
A bartop bowl of Fritos.
Cheap food. Cheap food.

If we ever get out of here
Sixty miles to drive today.
Shitty gig in Galveston.
Cheap promoter, slow to pay.
Awful rumblings in our guts.
Horrible looks on every face.

Then the poor bass player drew a heavy sigh
And we ran into the john.
Pay toilet stalls were all we found
With locks on every one.

Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.

Lead guitar begged the jerk at the bar …
Could you please give us a key?
He shook his head no and raised a Glock.
Son, the road’s the place to be.

Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.

Then the crapper thundered with a mighty crash
When our drummer climbed the stalls.
Our frontman was squatting on the tiny sink.
His ass was next to fall.

Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.

A shit tsunami flooded into the bar.
And the barkeep dropped his gun.
We just kept running, dropped a tip in the jar.
So long, man. It's been fun.

Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.

That Tex-Mex dive. Did not survive.
The band with the runs.

Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.
Band with the runs.