Sunday, February 28, 1993

Electric Chainsaw Massacre


A leather-faced MANIAC runs after a screaming woman. He's holding an electric chainsaw - the cord trails behind him.

MANIAC: Eh-heh-heh-heh!

WOMAN: Eagghhhhhh!

CHAINSAW: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

MANIAC reaches end of the cord. Back in the barn or someplace, the plug pops out. The chainsaw rattles to a silent stop. MANIAC stands there looking stupid. The WOMAN stops, looks at him. He looks up.

She kicks him in the nuts.

Friday, February 26, 1993

American Chainsaw Association

Open: Husband and wife sleeping in bed. Da warm glow of the alarm clock.


Someone kicks in the door!!!

PSYCHOTIC: Eee-haha-haha! The voices in my head command me. YOU MUST DIE!

Mr. PSYCHOTIC revs up a chainsaw, cackling insanely.


ALL AMERICAN MALE HOMEOWNER sits up in bed, contemplating his sudden death. His wife shrieks. MR. HOMEOWNER reaches behind his pillow...

And pulls out his own chainsaw!

He fires it up aaannnd....

Cuts MR. PSYCHOTIC in half from top to bottom. Or bottom to top, if you wanna get more gross.

WIFE: I love you honey.

HUSBAND: I love you, too.


CHARLTON HESTON's giant HEAD appears.

CHARLTON HESTON: Remember. If chainsaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have chainsaws. Please support the National Chainsaw Association. (revs up chainsaw) I do. YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!

He runs out of frame.

Monday, February 22, 1993

The Flamemaster 3000

Open, a boy and a girl kneeling down in the garage burning their Dad's "Playboys" and giggling.

DAD: (OS -- angry) Are you kids playing with matches?


Dad bursts into garage. Furious, but it's an act.

DAD: Don’t lie to me! Why in Sam Hill would you play with matches. (Suddenly smiling.) When you could play with this?!

Two shiny, plastic flame-throwers magically appear in the kids' hands.

KIDS: Wow! The Flamemaster 3000!

ANNOUNCER: (VO) Yes, kids love the Flamemaster 3000— 'cause kids love fire!

Shot of the kids running around burning the crap out of everything with their cute flame-throwers.

ANNOUNCER: (VO) The Flamemaster 3000!

Montage illustrates --

ANNOUNCER: (VO) It’s perfect for making smores, dealing with hoof-and-mouth outbreak and defending yourself from zombie attack!

And it's always perfect for Christmas! This holiday season, make your kids' eyes light up with joy! Give the Flamemaster 3000. They'll love it!

KIDS (in unison) 'Cause kids love fire!

Another announcer reads the following warning at auctioneer/Hog caller speed:

WARNING: Fire is not a toy. Fire may result in property damage, first, second and third degree burns and death. Ask your parents before buying the Flamemaster 3000 and use only under strict parental or adult guardian supervision according to product specifications. Do not use the Flamemaster 3000 on household pets, homeless people, parents, siblings, witches, or anybody, especially if you could get caught. Do not use the Flamemaster 3000 indoors. Do not use the Flamemaster 3000 outdoors. Do not use the Flamemaster 3000. Consult local laws and fire ordinances before using the Flamemaster 3000. The Flamemaster 3000 is illegal in all 50 states. Seriously, do not use the Flamemaster 3000. Do not buy the Flamemaster 3000. Purchase or sale of the Flamemaster 3000 is a Class A Felony. The JoyToy Corporation assumes no liability if this product is used either properly or improperly. There is no way to use the Flamemaster 3000 properly. For the love of God, we beg you not to use the Flamemaster 3000.