Monday, October 30, 2000

Whatever happened to the Taco Bell Chihuahua?

OPEN: REN's California modern house, hugging a cliff in the Hollywood Hills.
REN: (addressing camera) Hey! The Taco Ball Chihuahua, it is I! The trapping of Hollywood success surround me. I will call my old friend Stimpy and make him feel bad!

Dials phone.

REN: Hey, Steempy! I love the life of a corporate spokesdog! I've sold out to the man and it feels great! I'm enjoying the good life now!

STIMPY: I'm very happy for you, Ren.

REN: That's a load of crap and you know it! I'm successful and you're a loser! Looooosser. You want my stuff!

STIMPY: Stop it, Ren. I don't want your stuff!

REN: You can't have it! I refuse to share the wealth with losers! I would say curse words now, but this is a show for cheeeeldren.

Someone knocks on door.

REN: Did you hear that? They're bringing me my dinner! That's how important I am. Unlike you. Goodbye forever!

Hangs up phone. Opens door.

SCIENTIST: Your dinner, Mister Ren.

REN: Oh. Tacos! It smells delicious! (he almost takes a bite) Say, wait a minute. You're not the normal food guy. He's a Mexican like me! Who are you?

SCIENTIST: I'm a scientist.

REN: I know that, eediot. You're wearing a white coat! What's going on here? Is this some sort of experiment? You think I'm your GUINEA PIG or something?

SCIENTIST: No. It's just delicious tacos made from Starlink Corn.

REN: Oh, in that case -- I'm starving!


REN eats the taco.

SCIENTIST: How'd it taste?

REN: Deeeliciousss!

SCIENTIST: How do you feel?

REN: Great.

SCIENTIST: Nothing bad happening?

REN: No.


REN: No. Not yet. (beat) What do you mean, not yet?

REN convulses.

REN: Agggghhhh! What's happening to me?

His foot expands to ten times its normal size.


REN'S tail expands to ten feet.

REN: What did you give me, you swine?

SCIENTIST: Tacos. Tacos made from corn.

REN: Corn?????

SCIENTIST: Genetically modified Starlink Corn.

REN: I'm. Going. To. Keeeel. You.

EXT, REN's house. The SCIENTIST is running away.

REN bursts through the mid-century modern roof -- now 50 feet tall, enraged.

REN: Stimpy, I'm sorry. This is all my fault for rejecting you. I hate Taco Bell! I hate their filthy genetically modified tacos. I. Will. Have. My. REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He stomps his way into the Hollywood Hills, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Go to --

STIMPY, alone in his house. He looks at the camera.

STIMPY: Gee, I hope Ren's all right. I'm really happy for him. Honest!