Thursday, March 20, 2003

War Train

(to the tune of Cat Stevens' "Peace Train")

I been crying lately

Thinking about a world at peace

Young folk getting lazy

Too much freedom and release

But look on the Fox News Channel

Slouching our way, here come’s the beast

Look up you lazy slackers

Here comes the war train!

War train take this country

Teach us to kill again

War train neo Nazis

Everyone up on the war train

Skinhead militia crazies

Get on the war train!

War train sounding louder

Crush all the peaceniks on the tracks!


Jane Fonda’s dead at last!

Duke Nuke’Em ayatollahs …

Everyone jump upon the war train


This is the war train!

Kill for Christ or kill for Santa

Kill for Mom or Uncle Fred

Get your shit together

Find a barber, shave your head

Student loan ain’t no more problem

Cause very soon you will be dead

Say goodbye to the living

Graveyard got a home for you

And it's getting nearer

Soon it will all be through

War train sounding louder

Ride on the war train!


Jump on the war train!

Saturday, March 1, 2003

KidVid Con 6

Establishing shot of typical Marriott-Hyatt generic type convention hotel announcing “Welcome KidVidCon 6!” – a convention for the perpetrators of kiddy shows, some human, some Muppet. (The year is unspecified but it’s obviously before “Mister Rogers” and Sherrie Lewis died.) We see BIG BIRD, MISTER ROGERS, CAPTAIN KANGAROO and the rest of the usual suspects filing in …

Go to –


BURT and ERNIE are sitting at a bar nursing drinks. BURT looks dejected. ERNIE’s in a good mood, as usual. TINKIEWINKIE, the putatively gay member of the “Teletubbies” ensemble, walks up to them – ignoring ERNIE completely and walking up to BURT.

TINKIEWINKIE: (walks up to BURT at bar) Hi, guy. Enjoying the con so far?

BURT: I’m not gay.

TINKIEWINKIE: Fuck you! (he walks off)

ERNIE: (giggling) Hell hath no fury.

BURT: Jesus Christ, I’d like to get my hands on the fucker who started that shit.

ERNIE: Cheer up, Burt. At least they’re not saying you shoved a gerbil up your ass.

BURT: I’m an actor. We’re supposed to be kids, six, seven years old. Nothing gay about it. Nothing sexual about it, just sick minds. Sick minds …

ERNIE: Hey, Burt?

BURT: What?

ERNIE: Ever notice something?

BURT: What?

ERNIE: Nobody ever says I’m gay. It’s always "Burt’s gay."

BURT: Fuck you.

ERNIE: Anyways, you can’t be gay, Burt. You don’t have any sexual organs in the first place!

BURT: Neither do you, asshole.

ERNIE: Speak for yourself, Burt. (looking up at two people entering bar – then shouting out) Sherrie Lewis! Lambchop!

SHERRIE LEWIS and LAMBCHOP regard him warmly with much sexual subtext and implied history. They walk off together with happygolucky ERNIE.

ERNIE: See you later, Buddy Burt.

BURT: (looking up to heaven) I hate you, Jim Henson.

MISTER ROGERS walks up to him.

MISTER ROGERS: Buy you a drink?

BURT looks up with a typical, shuddering Muppets-style emotional take.

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