Sunday, December 14, 2014

The Jaegermeister and the Hare


Tortoise comes in, orders a beer. Slow pan over bar counter to Hare, who's giving him the stink eye.
Hare sulks over his beer. Finally ...

Hare: (indicating Tortoise) Why'd he do it?

Bartender: Excuse me?

Hare: Except out of sheer masochism, why would a tortoise challenge a hare to a race? What chance does he have? What was he @#$ing thinking?

Bartender: I don’t know.

Hare: He knew he was doing to lose. He knew he was going to lose!  It’s ridiculous. But he challenged me anyway and he WON.

Bartender: You’re saying the race was fixed?

Hare: No. How … I took a @#$ing nap, OK? He couldn’t know that. Could he? It’s not like I’m that predictable. Unless it’s some tortoise @#$ing mind control. But he couldn’t. He’s just a dumbass tortoise.

Bartender: Maybe he slipped you something?

Hare: How? You think he snuck up on me? No. He didn’t win the race. I lost the race. Overconfident, see? I stopped running, put my ass on the ground and took a nap.

Bartender: And the tortoise won.

Hare: Yeah the tortoise won. Hip-hip-hooray, tortoise.

Bartender: I think you've had enough

Hare: I’ll tell you when I've had enough. I’m a @#$ing hare, OK? Metabolism like mine, I burn it off in ten minutes. I can’t get drunk. I can’t get beat!

Bartender: But the tortoise beat you.

Hare: I beat myself, jerk. The tortoise didn’t beat me. I did! How do you think that feels?

Bartender: Guess I never thought about it.

Hare: Guess not. Well think about it, schmuck. A racer like me, a speed demon hare such as you behold before you, what do you think happens to your life if you lose a race to a @#$ing tortoise?

Bartender: I don’t know. What happens to your life?

Hare: You have no @#$ing life! Your life is @#$ing over! That’s what happens! You think you get another race after that? You got another think coming. No nothing nada, kiss your life good bye. You’re a @#$ing joke from them on! A @#$ing lesson mommy hares tell their kids.

Bartender: What’s the lesson?

Hare: What’s the lesson?

Bartender: Yeah, what’s the lesson?

Hare: What do you think it is?

Bartender: Uh, I don’t know. “Slow but steady wins the race.”

Hare: "Slow but steady wins the race." That’s what you think?

Bartender: I guess so.

Hare: “You guess so?” Yeah, you would. “Slow but steady wins the race.” Let me tell you something. If I hadn’t taken that @#$ing nap, if I’d actually been running, no matter how slow and steady that mother!@#$er was, he would not have won the mother@#$ing race, OK?!  No @#$ing way! The moral of the story is not, “Slow but steady wins the race.” The moral is, “No matter how @#$ing good you are, no matter how sure a thing it is, don’t take a mother@#$ing nap!

Bartender: I see your point.

Hare: It’s not my @#$ing point! It’s a fact. Slow and steady does not win the race! Slow … ah, forget it. Just …

Hare glares at the Tortoise again. He’s barely touched his beer.

Hare: You gonna @#$ing finish that thing or what?