Sunday, April 15, 2012

Van Gogh Gogh

Secret Service Man

(to the tune of Johnny Rivers' "Secret Agent Man")

Here’s a man who pays for sex with strangers
Like hookers that he finds in Cartagena
If you say you’re going to pay, don’t skip out and run away
Odds are you’ll be a headline come tomorrow
Secret Service Man
Secret Service Man
She’s giving you her number
And a Third World STD

Friday, April 13, 2012

Charlie Manson Parole Hearing

Charlie Manson, in chains sitting in a plastic chair, confronts three schlumps
at a table considering his case.

OFFICER #1: They got a name for people like you, Charlie. That name is
called ''recidivism.''

OFFICER #2: Repeat offender!

OFFICER #1: Not a pretty name, is it, Charlie?

CHARLIE: No, sir. That's one bonehead name.
But that ain't me anymore.

OFFICER #2: Have you reformed, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Yes sir, I have.

OFFICER #1: What steps have you taken to reform yourself?

CHARLIE: Well, sir. I've taken a correspondence course in public relations.

OFFICER #1: You did, huh?

CHARLIE: Yes, sir. I think I have a talent for that.

OFFICER #1: I don't see you in public relations, Charlie.

CHARLIE: I'm a people person. Sir.

OFFICER #2: OK, then. Anything else?

CHARLIE: Well, uh. I've been teaching myself, uh, Garage Band. It's, uh, software. Sir.

OFFICER #1: We don't say "software" no more. We say "application."


OFFICER #2: OK, then. Well. What's this here application do?

CHARLIE: Well, sir. You can make your own records now. You don't need a producer.

OFFICER #1: Is that so?

CHARLIE: Yes, sir. It is so.

OFFICER #2: OK, then. So, if'n that's true ...

CHARLIE: It's true, sir. Sorry to interrupt.

OFFICER #2: wouldn't need no Terry Melcher type to be a singer songwriter these days?

CHARLIE: No, you wouldn't, sir. Gosh, you know, that's something I really regret.

OFFICER #1: Is that so?

CHARLIE: Yes sir. If Terry was here right now, I'd apologize on my hands and knees.

OFFICER #2: Hands and knees, Charlie? You'd do that?

CHARLIE: Yes, sir. I surely would. Gee, you know ... I'm really, really sorry.
I was young, OK? It was all a big misunderstanding, really.

OFFICER #1: What was, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Well, you know, sir. That Helter Skelter thing. See, I was just holding onto
anger in my heart 'cause Terry wouldn't cut me a record deal. I really wanna, like man
up, OK? "Hey Terry, I'm sorry, man." That's what I want to tell him.

OFFICER #1: Well. Terry's dead now.

OFFICER #2: You didn't know that?

CHARLIE: No, sir.

CHARLIE doesn't react. Poker-faced.

OFFICER #1: But I reckon the Good Lord sees the secret things of the heart, Charlie.
If'n your repentance is sincere, I'm sure he'll ... well, pass it along to Terry.
Him and, well ... the rest of 'em.

CHARLIE: That's kinda how I see it. Sir.

OFFICER #2: Are you just tellin' us what we wanna hear?

CHARLIE: No, sir, no way.

OFFICER #2: OK, then.

He rubber-stamps Charlie's parole application.