Friday, December 25, 1998

Soylent Green

Soylent Green
(to the tune of "Silent Night")

Soylent Green
It's obscene
Corpses thrown into a machine
Ground to green crackers soon they are
Charleton Heston cries, "Oh, my God!
Soylent Green is people!
Soylent Green is people!"

Tuesday, December 22, 1998

Hue and Cry Car Alarums


A CAR THIEF tries to jimmy the door of a car. A car alarm goes off.


CAR: Eeep! Eeep! Eeep! Eeep!

Lights go on. Windows fly open up and down the street.

MAN IN NIGHTGOWN: Halloo! Stop thief!

The CAR THIEF runs.

Various neighbors boil from various houses.

NEIGHBORS: Stop! Thief!

They give chase to the CAR THIEF.

ANNOUNCER: Hue and Cry Car Alarums. Waking up the whole neighborhood. Like anyone gives a shit about your car.

Monday, December 14, 1998

Acid Casualty Insurance

Jeff Bridges appears as the Dude character from "The Big Lebowski." He's holding an open carton of milk. He looks around with confusion, then notices the camera.

THE DUDE: Hey, man. This is the Dude for Acid Casualty Insurance. They’re, like, paying me money to talk about it. But, man, you know, I really believe in it, so I’d talk about it anyway. Even ... you know ... if they didn't give me money. But I’ll take their money, man. I'm not saying that. I'll definitely take their money. So, OK, man. Anyway. The existential deal is ... You need insurance, man. Why do you need insurance? Well, like, shit happens. Bad shit. Bad things happen to good people, man. Bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen, OK? Like especially when you’re tripping. Like that time I did a hit of windowpane and – but I don’t want to get off the subject, man. I want to keep this, like linear. My point is ... Bad things happen, that’s the point, man. That’s why there’s insurance. You ever thought about insurance? Like, really, you know. Insurance. Think about it. Like, grok it, man. Grok insurance. It’s, like, you’re making a bet with God that something bad is going to happen to you, man. If you die, man, then, like, you win. But if you lose, man, then you’re like, not dead, OK? So, it’s like you win either way. So get insurance, man. Get it from us, OK? Listen, man. At Acid Casualty Insurance, you can’t be turned down for any reason. I'm serious, man. Any reason. We’re acid heads, man. We insure the old, the sick. We insure imaginary characters, man. We’ll insure you if you’re already dead. Call this number, man. I’m pointing to it.

The number appears. He's actually pointing in the wrong place.

THE DUDE: I can’t, like really see it, but they told me they’d put it in later. Peace.

Wednesday, December 2, 1998

Clinton's Closing Time

(to the tune of "Closing Time" by Semisonic)

Closing time - time for you to zip up

Little Willy and tuck him in.

Closing time - just like Jimmy Swaggart

On TV you can cry "I've sinned.”

Closing time - it's back to the Antarctic

For a slice of Hillary's Eskimo Pie.

Closing time - you ain't no JFK –

But it’s not like you didn't try.

You know no one wants Al Gore in office...

Reincarnation of Gerald Ford.

No one says they want to read about your orifice...

But the papers are selling more.

Closing time - time for Kenny Starr

to remove his nose from your bum.

Closing time - the Puritans can berate you

And masturbate until they come.

So gather up your dresses and take them to the cleaners

Hope they scrub out the DNA.

Closing time - just like Richard Nixon

Make a peace sign and fly away.

You know it's a morality play for morons.

The shock jocks and the fundies...

William Bennett in his undies...

So drop a bomb on Mr Towelhead's farm.

Closing time - the fat lady is singing.

Time to hand her a big cigar.

Closing time -- seems a slight overreaction...

To your hand in the nookie jar.

You know it's not 1968.

You know who came too late.

You know just whose head is on the plate...

John the Southern Baptist on his first date.

Closing time - every vast right-wing conspiracy...

Comes from some vast left-wing fuckup in the end.