Thursday, November 29, 2012

Threatening Cockney gangster speech

Look, I'm a simple man. All I want is everything I want. That's all I ever wanted. Now, either you give me exactly what I want. Or I shall give you exactly what you don't want. And believe me, you don't want that. Seen from this perspective, what you want and what I want identical, in't it?

The Google Hymn

(to the tune of "Yes, Jesus Loves Me.")

I'm no dumbass. Facts I know!
That's 'cause Google tells me so.
Seven dwarfs and seven sins.
Director’s names. Word origins.

Yes, Google tells me. 
Yes, Google tells me.
Yes, Google tells me.
The shit that I don't know.

Paraguay’s capitol. AsunciĆ³n
The atomic weight of Lithium.
That actor who was in that thing.
Composer of “Gimme that Ding.”

Yes, Google tells me. 
Yes, Google tells me.
Yes, Google tells me.
The shit that I don't know.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Church of Low Expectations

Imagine an ***hole. (The personality type, not the sphincter.) Now, imagine a human with a sense of humor. The two are mutually exclusive.
This is not to say many comedians aren't boiling with an inner sense of rage and, like the Incredible Hulk, apt to turn into googly-eyed rage monsters, sometimes on stage, sometimes not. (Bad for your health, I should add. Blows out vessels in the brain and shit.) But such explosions are rare -- a violation of their normal sanguine nature. Comedians can turn into assholes, yes. But only for brief periods of time.
Comedians don't feel entitled. Well, to anything except laughter and constant adoring attention. But, other than that, comedians don't feel entitled. They expect to get screwed over. They expect people to fall short. Hey, it's material.
Comedians don't walk around with a sense of perpectual outrage. The waiter fucked-up. What an idiot. But you don't want to actually kill the waiter and burn down his house. You don't want to teach the waiter the error of his ways. Prop his eyes open like Alex in a Clockwork Orange and make him see the light. Watch endless movies of his lousy service while a lab coat wearing tech medicates his unblinking eyes until...
"Yes, yes I see it's wrong, wrong terribly wrong to judge diners by the way they dress. I shouldn't have ignored your table and kissed the ass of that gold-plated blowhard shouting his observations at that fawning party of ten! You would've tipped me twenty percent. I see it, now! Forgive me, sir. I repent of my sin. I'm cured, praise God!"
Yeah you might imagine it. You wouldn't actually do it.
It's too much trouble.
Comedians would make lousy prophets. They don't expect humans to be saints. Any idiot can see humans are greedy, lazy, self-centered, yattayatta. The comedian is not suprised. Some jerk acts like a hypocrite. General Patreaus screws his worshipful biographer. A politician covers his ass. Ohmygod, there's GAMBLING at Rick's Cafe Americain. You're suprised? That's what humans do. That's like saying, "Ohmygod the COYOTE is chasing the road runner. He's buying crap from Acme and having painful industrial accidents." Hey, he's a coyote. Get over it.
To a comedian, human flaws are funny. (Not to mention animal flaws.) In a perfect world, there'd be nothing to joke about. "Yeah, we're in heaven sitting on clouds and playing harps. It's really great. You come here often?"