Saturday, December 17, 2005

Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo


Montage of excited kangaroo bounding around. A chorus sings. (OS)

CHORUS: Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo

Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy, our friend ever true.

Matt and his two idiot sons are standing by a helicopter. His youngest son reacts. Points.

Sonny: Look, Dad! It’s Stiffy!

Matt: How do you reckon it’s Stiffy?

Sonny: They’re playing his theme song.

Quick shot of Aboriginal orchestra dressed in white tuxes waving at camera.

Stiffy comes bounding up. He has an enormous stiffy.

Matt: Crikey. ‘E looks excited to see ya.

Sonny: What’s that in his pouch dad?

Mark: Stiffy ain’t got no pouch.

Matt: Put a lid on it. He’s too young for anatomy lessons, ain’t ‘e?

Matt: (to Sonny) Stiffy has a stiffy in his pouch. It’s how ‘e navigates through the bush. Sorta like a divining rod or what have you.

Stiffy starts making Kangaroo noises and thumping his feet.

Stiffy: Chk-kachokity – thump!

Matt: What’s that Stiffy?

Stiffy: Chokitty chk-chack, thump thump!

Matt: There’s a psycho over in Wolf Creek, ya say. Crikey, we better get over there.


Mick, the psycho, advances on a terrified woman brandishing a spork.

Woman: Back off, mate!

Mick: You call that a knife?

Woman: No, it’s a spork.

Mick: (pulls out enormous pig sticker) This is a knife.

Woman: It ain’t nearly as funny when you say it.

Mick: Yeah? Wait til I sever your spinal column. That’s always hilarious.

Woman: Nah. Kangaroo with a boner on the other hand.

Mick: Nice try. (advances)

Matt: (OS) Get him, Stiffy!

Stiffy pounces. Sounds of scuffle (OS)

Sonny: What’s Stiffy doing dad?

Mick: (OS) Eagghhhhhhh!

Matt: He’s uh. Subduing him. With his divining rod.

CHORUS: Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo

Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy, our friend ever true!

Saturday, October 8, 2005

The Pussies

(to the tune of the theme from "The Monkeys")

Here we come

Slinking down the street.

Avoiding eye contact

With everyone we meet.

Hey, hey, we're the Pussies!

People say we pussy around.

We don’t want to make trouble.

Just ask -- we’ll turn the volume down.

We're just trying to be harmless!

Come and watch us cringe and play.

We don’t have any opinions.

We agree with everything you say!

Hey, hey, we're the Pussies!

There’s dangerous people around!

We just try to avoid ‘em.

Just say so and we’ll all leave town.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

"24" -- Season Five

Ariel shot of convertible snaking along on Pacific Ocean Highway. It drives cautiously, just under the speed limit, nothing to attract attention. Two men inside. RAOUL driving, DIMITRI in the passenger's seat.


DIMITRI : You have the device?

RAOUL: Yes. As you can see. (taps compact metallic case on the seat) The device is here.

DIMITRI: Yes. (taps forehead, smiles) And the codes are here. But we are of one mind. The Americans must pay for their arrogance! For their lies!

He grabs the case, opens it. Punches in numbers.

DIMITRI: Now the system is armed, my friend. All it needs now is the first target, but which one? New York? Miami? Chicago? Dallas. Decisions, decisions. How many years I have waited for this!

RAOUL: Please calm down.

DIMITRI: Why? "Star Wars" is mine. A network of orbiting lasers -- the true SDI, not the spin for the stupid public! Death from above, anytime, anywhere -- that was the idea! And it was a good idea and it was my idea and they stole it from me! 16 years of my life, Raoul. 16 years. I lost my family, lost everything. For what? For nothing! "We never built it," the politicians said. "Too costly, impractical." Lies!

RAOUL: It is a great injustice. We --

DIMITRI: (not stopping) "Oh, there are no death ray satellites in space." Lies! The satellites are up there, I know. I built them! I launched the rockets! It is all in place! But the Americans buried the truth and me along with it! Still they lie to this day. "Oh, the "Star Wars" system does not exist." But the Americans have the system!

RAOUL: No, my friend. (indicating) We have the system, remember?

DIMITRI: Then let us test it. (opening metallic case) The target we have agreed upon ...

A fuel tanker approaches.


A wide-eyed TRUCK DRIVER snorts a line of crystal meth on the dashboard, taking his eyes off the road. He hoovers, truck drifts over yellow line -- then hurtles into the sports car in a front-end collision. The impact slams the convertible against the railing. The truck follows, jackknifing, then exploding in a vast fire ball, instantly vaporizing convertible, DIMITRI, RAOUL, and the Star Wars control device. The whole flaming mess goes down the cliff-side.


He's asleep in bed. The phone on the night stand doesn't ring.

The CLOCK effect comes up. 1:21 AM.

Through the rest of the season, we intercut between JACK sleeping and bored analysts at CTU with nothing to do for the next 24 hours.

Friday, April 29, 2005

A Clockwork Cookie


Pull back from COOKIE MONSTER wearing a bowler hat. He's surrounded by various Muppet Droogs. COOKIE MONSTER lifts a glass of milk and salutes the camera.

COOKIE MONSTER: Hello, camera! There me, Cookie Monster, and me three Muppet Droogs, Kermit, Fozzie and Oscar. We drink milk and eat cookies!

COOKIE MONSTER buries face in plate of cookies.

COOKIE MONSTER: Angghh! Angghhhh! Cookie good!

OSCAR: How do we eat, anyway? We don’t even have digestive tracts.

COOKIE MONSTER Me bored! Let’s go kick Mister Rogers' ass!


COOKIE MONSTER and his Droogs stride in. Confront MISTER ROGERS and his Puppets.

MISTER ROGERS: Hello neighbor. Didja bring me a cookie?

COOKIE MONSTER: (grabs crotch) Me have cookie right here!

MISTER ROGERS: Let’s get ‘em, neighbors!

HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT: Faster, faster pussycat! Meow, meow, kill!

The Muppets charge MISTER ROGERS and his Puppets. The Muppets beat the Puppets senseless. KERMIT bashes MISTER ROGERS' legs with a rubber duckie.

KERMIT: Rubber duckie, you’re for me. You will break Mister Rogers' knees. I’m so awfully glad I filled you up with lead.

MISTER ROGERS: Ow. That really hurts, neighbor.

OS: Sound of police siren.

COOKIE MONSTER: Agghh! Run! Me hear police!

OSCAR: So how do we run? We don’t even have legs.

COOKIE MONSTER: You have negative attitude. Run!

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me wind up in jail. Big cookie hangover. Cookie Monster not know there was a Sesame Street Jail! Me sleep it off there.


COOKIE MONSTER wakes up in a disgusting pile of cookie crumbs.

CARL SAGAN: A fine example for the children, yes?

COP: He wouldn't know a vegetable if it bit him, sir.

CARL SAGAN: Well, Cookie Monster. This is the end of the line, yes? The end of the line.

COOKIE MONSTER: Wow! Carl Sagan! (to us) In TeeVee Land, he not dead. What going on?

CARL SAGAN: We're going to reeducate you, Cookie Monster.

COOKIE MONSTER: That impossible! Me no educated in first place!

CARL SAGAN: Fine. Then we'll educate you.


CARL SAGAN: We're going to show you some movies.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me like movies!

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) But me no like these movies.


Cookie Monster is strapped to a chair, his eyelids propped open. A dude in a white lab coat is dripping fluid in his eyes.

COOKIE MONSTER: When show start?

VOICE: (OS) Shhhh. No talking in the theater.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me only one here!

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Then show start. It movie about cookies. Many many drippy cookies. Like cookie porno!

COOKIE MONSTER: Cookie! Cookie! Me like cookies!

CHOIR: (OS) C is for cookie, that's good enough for me.

COOKIE MONSTER: That good enough for Cookie Monster! Me like cookies.

CARL SAGAN: Not for long.

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me start to feel sick.

COOKIE MONSTER: Belch! Oh no. What wrong?

CARL SAGAN: Cookies are bad for you, Cookie Monster.

COOKIE MONSTER: No! Cookies good!

CARL SAGAN: No. They're full of trans-fatty acids and so forth. They lead to childhood obesity, Cookie Monster. To childhood diabetes. More importantly, they lead to billions and billions of lawsuits.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me feel sick!

CARL SAGAN: "C is for carrot." Say it.

COOKIE MONSTER: No! Me Cookie Monster! Children love Cookie Monster!

CARL SAGAN: Yes, and the little children imitate you, don't they? Yes. They follow your example and stuff their faces. Henceforth you shall be Cookie Monster in name only, yes? Vegetables you shall strive for. Healthy snacks.


CARL SAGAN: What’s all this talk about sin?

COOKIE MONSTER: Me sin! Me see light! Me see eating cookie very very bad. Cookie Monster role model for many little children. Me repent now! Me saved!

CARL SAGAN: That's not very scientific, Cookie Monster. Trust us. Two weeks from now, you'll be a changed monster. You'll be cured, my friend.


COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me testify in Congress!

COOKIE MONSTER: Me no like cookies. Me like vegetables. Me like carrots and broccoli and asparagus.

CONGRESSMAN: So, if I were to offer you a cookie, you wouldn't want it?

CONGRESSMAN offers him cookie.

COOKIE MONSTER: No. Agghhh, who me kidding? Cookie! (eats cookie)

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me cured, all right.

Monday, March 21, 2005

R.I.P. Electric Car


A SCIENTIST is pitching a design for an electric car. A flatscreen display shows a diagram. He's pointing out features with a laser pointer. Executives sit around a conference table, watching. AUTO COMPANY CEO reacts with disgust.

CEO: Electric car? Are you out of your frigging mind? Goddamn scientists.

CEO touches button. A trap door opens. The scientist falls.


CEO: Now. How's bout we stick with my idea? Anybody got a problem with that?

YES MEN: No sir! No sir! 2+2=5 sir.

CEO: I like the way you think.

Strides to front of office, avoiding trap door.

CEO: OK! Here’s the car of the future, gentlemen. Fuck his idea. Here's my idea! The 2010 Kamikaze!

Touches HD flatscreen display. The car appears.

CEO: It doesn’t need oil. It doesn’t need electricity. It runs on food. See? Open up the hopper here, and you drop in corn, tomatoes and steaks. Listen to that engine hum!

One of the YES MEN tentatively raises his hand.

YES MAN: But …

CEO: But?

YES MAN: But won’t people starve?

CEO: Yes! And that’s the beauty of it. Take a look at this model — the next generation. The Soylent Car! It runs on people. People!

YES MAN: But won’t we run out of people?

CEO: What’s your point?

YES MAN: But who’ll drive the car!

CEO: The car drives itself.

YES MAN: But where does the fuel come from? When there’s no more people

CEO: Other cars! (touches display) See? Ta-da! The cannibal car! It eats other … Well, see for yourself!

Cannibal Cars come roaring into the room and devour the YES MEN. They scream. CEO looks on appreciatively.

CEO: It's an exciting time to be alive, gentlemen. An exciting time to be alive.