Friday, April 29, 2005

A Clockwork Cookie


Pull back from COOKIE MONSTER wearing a bowler hat. He's surrounded by various Muppet Droogs. COOKIE MONSTER lifts a glass of milk and salutes the camera.

COOKIE MONSTER: Hello, camera! There me, Cookie Monster, and me three Muppet Droogs, Kermit, Fozzie and Oscar. We drink milk and eat cookies!

COOKIE MONSTER buries face in plate of cookies.

COOKIE MONSTER: Angghh! Angghhhh! Cookie good!

OSCAR: How do we eat, anyway? We don’t even have digestive tracts.

COOKIE MONSTER Me bored! Let’s go kick Mister Rogers' ass!


COOKIE MONSTER and his Droogs stride in. Confront MISTER ROGERS and his Puppets.

MISTER ROGERS: Hello neighbor. Didja bring me a cookie?

COOKIE MONSTER: (grabs crotch) Me have cookie right here!

MISTER ROGERS: Let’s get ‘em, neighbors!

HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT: Faster, faster pussycat! Meow, meow, kill!

The Muppets charge MISTER ROGERS and his Puppets. The Muppets beat the Puppets senseless. KERMIT bashes MISTER ROGERS' legs with a rubber duckie.

KERMIT: Rubber duckie, you’re for me. You will break Mister Rogers' knees. I’m so awfully glad I filled you up with lead.

MISTER ROGERS: Ow. That really hurts, neighbor.

OS: Sound of police siren.

COOKIE MONSTER: Agghh! Run! Me hear police!

OSCAR: So how do we run? We don’t even have legs.

COOKIE MONSTER: You have negative attitude. Run!

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me wind up in jail. Big cookie hangover. Cookie Monster not know there was a Sesame Street Jail! Me sleep it off there.


COOKIE MONSTER wakes up in a disgusting pile of cookie crumbs.

CARL SAGAN: A fine example for the children, yes?

COP: He wouldn't know a vegetable if it bit him, sir.

CARL SAGAN: Well, Cookie Monster. This is the end of the line, yes? The end of the line.

COOKIE MONSTER: Wow! Carl Sagan! (to us) In TeeVee Land, he not dead. What going on?

CARL SAGAN: We're going to reeducate you, Cookie Monster.

COOKIE MONSTER: That impossible! Me no educated in first place!

CARL SAGAN: Fine. Then we'll educate you.


CARL SAGAN: We're going to show you some movies.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me like movies!

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) But me no like these movies.


Cookie Monster is strapped to a chair, his eyelids propped open. A dude in a white lab coat is dripping fluid in his eyes.

COOKIE MONSTER: When show start?

VOICE: (OS) Shhhh. No talking in the theater.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me only one here!

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Then show start. It movie about cookies. Many many drippy cookies. Like cookie porno!

COOKIE MONSTER: Cookie! Cookie! Me like cookies!

CHOIR: (OS) C is for cookie, that's good enough for me.

COOKIE MONSTER: That good enough for Cookie Monster! Me like cookies.

CARL SAGAN: Not for long.

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me start to feel sick.

COOKIE MONSTER: Belch! Oh no. What wrong?

CARL SAGAN: Cookies are bad for you, Cookie Monster.

COOKIE MONSTER: No! Cookies good!

CARL SAGAN: No. They're full of trans-fatty acids and so forth. They lead to childhood obesity, Cookie Monster. To childhood diabetes. More importantly, they lead to billions and billions of lawsuits.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me feel sick!

CARL SAGAN: "C is for carrot." Say it.

COOKIE MONSTER: No! Me Cookie Monster! Children love Cookie Monster!

CARL SAGAN: Yes, and the little children imitate you, don't they? Yes. They follow your example and stuff their faces. Henceforth you shall be Cookie Monster in name only, yes? Vegetables you shall strive for. Healthy snacks.


CARL SAGAN: What’s all this talk about sin?

COOKIE MONSTER: Me sin! Me see light! Me see eating cookie very very bad. Cookie Monster role model for many little children. Me repent now! Me saved!

CARL SAGAN: That's not very scientific, Cookie Monster. Trust us. Two weeks from now, you'll be a changed monster. You'll be cured, my friend.


COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me testify in Congress!

COOKIE MONSTER: Me no like cookies. Me like vegetables. Me like carrots and broccoli and asparagus.

CONGRESSMAN: So, if I were to offer you a cookie, you wouldn't want it?

CONGRESSMAN offers him cookie.

COOKIE MONSTER: No. Agghhh, who me kidding? Cookie! (eats cookie)

COOKIE MONSTER: (OS) Me cured, all right.

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