Tuesday, May 30, 1995

The "Smegme 95" Vow of Chastity

In the spirit of Lars Van Triers, here is the "Smegme 95" vow of chastity. True avant-garde auteurs know that filmmaking should never be fun, either for the director or the audience. Follow these sacred rules and you will wipe the smile off everyone's face!
1. Filming must be done without lighting, at night and in the dark. Props and sets must not be brought in. Existing furniture must not be moved. If an actor trips and hurts himself, they may not go to the hospital.
2. Actors may not speak or use the bathroom. All dialog must be represented by slide-whistles or kazoos in the style of a "Punch and Judy" performance.
3. The camera must be a foot-held camera operated by an acrobat walking on his hands. If the acrobat farts and causes the film footage to “jiggle,” this must not be edited out.
4. The film must be filmed in the ultraviolet spectrum. Color correction is not acceptable.
5. Synchronizing sound and picture is forbidden.
6. The film must not contain any action whatsoever.
7. Jokes or interesting segments of “witty” dialogue are forbidden, as this would violate the slide-whistle dogma. The actors must be as boring as “normal” people – even more so, if possible.
8. Scripts or any form of situational framework for improvisation are unacceptable. The actors should never know who they are, what they are doing or why.
9. All film must be developed at my brother in law's laboratory. Cash is the only acceptable form of payment. The resulting footage must then be transferred to Betamax tape and then transferred to the Kinetoscope format and set on fire.
10. The director must be shot.

Sunday, May 21, 1995

The "A-Team" song

(to the tune of Alice Cooper's "I'm 18")

Sweet Lady Insomnia stuck her claws in my brain
Can't fall asleep and I'm going insane
Way late at night, I'm watching dumbass TV
Vast mental wasteland; audience me
My IQ is dropping, and guess what I see?

It’s the A-Team
Braindead late night TV
Reheated shit from the 70s

George Peppard he ain’t working too hard
The actors around him are all functioning tards
They best one they got is old Mister T
He tries so damn hard
But he ain’t funny to me

It’s the A-Team
Braindead late night TV
Like watching a train wreck
I just gotta see
The jokes were fucking old
In 73

Scripts typed by chimps taking LSD
Special effects are so bad they’d make Ed Wood scream
People get shot and there ain’t any blood
At least it was funny when they did it in “Chud”

It’s the A-Team
And I like it!