Saturday, April 22, 2017


The Coyote is lying on the couch. The Shrink, who looks exactly like Sigmund Freud and speaks with a German accent, is taking notes.

Psychiatrist: Please continue.
Coyote: Well, uh, I'm chasing the Road Runner.
Psychiatrist: Yes. As you have your whole life. Go on ...
Coyote: Well ... I chase it up to this tunnel.
Psychiatrist: A tunnel, ja.
Coyote: Yeah. A tunnel I've painted on the side of a cliff.
Psychiatrist: Mmm-hmm.
Coyote: It's an illusion, right? But ... that annoying little bird goes right into the ...
Psychiatrist: Into the tunnel, ja?
Coyote: Yeah, the ...
Psychiatrist: Enough of this!

Psychiatrist throws down notebook in disgust. Stands up, face red, fists balled, enraged.

Psychiatrist: I fully realize this is highly unprofessional, but you are wasting my time, sir!
Coyote: Wha ...
Psychiatrist: Into a tunnel! Into a tunnel! What do you think this means?
Coyote: I don't ...
Psychiatrist: You are sexually attracted to the Road Runner! That is what it means! It is, of course, what it means!
Coyote: I don't ...
Psychiatrist: You are officially cured, OK? This session is free ... Just get out! Get out of my office!
Coyote: Fuck you, pal.

The Coyote leaves. The Psychiatrist sits back down. Hold a beat. Then the Receptionist's voice chirps over the intercom.

Receptionist: The next patient is here to see you doctor.
Psychiatrist: Please. Send them in.

Door opens. The Road Runner enters. Psychiatrist smiles. Far too friendly.

Psychiatrist: (indicating couch) Please. Make yourself comfortable.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

9 Things That Make You Unlikable

1) Melting ice swans with cigarette lighter. 
2) Setting fire to table napkins. 
3) Farting in yoga studio. 
4) Hitting strangers in the face with dead fish. 
5) Hitting friends in the face with dead fish. 
6) Entering a church at random and heckling the preacher. 
7) Releasing jar of roaches in swanky restaurant. 
8) Cutting off speeding fire truck and shouting, “Hey, buddy! Where’s the fire?” 
9) Dressing up in Galileo costume and dropping lead weights from skyscraper observation deck onto screaming pedestrians below.