Wednesday, March 16, 1994

Die Hard Symphony

(to the tune of Beethoven's Ode to Joy)

It's another Die Hard remake
Even though they changed the name
A pumped-up, stressed-out, out-gunned good guy
Fights the thugs who kill and maim

Bombs exploding, bodies flying
Pieces spinning in the air
Oh, dear God, won't someone stop them?
Awful bad guys just don't care

The guns, the knives
The bombs, the moms
The shlock, the rock
The ticking clock
It's all been planned

Car chase! It's a car chase
And the gun in the face
Right guy, wrong place
The DA's bad pate
And the villain you hate
The children at risk
Is it too late?

Thursday, March 3, 1994

The Wo Fat Diet

Detective McGarrett wakes up. The protagonist of "Hawaii 5-0" is in a bad place. His hands are cuffed to the walls of a cargo container. He struggles but it’s useless. Wo Fat, his ancient enemy from the People's Republic of China, is behind it all.

WO FAT: (O.S.) Hello, Mr. McGarrett.

McGARRETT: Wo Fat?

WO FAT: The very same.

McGARRETT: Wo Fat. I should have known it was you!

WO FAT: Yes. You should have. Please accept my apologies, Mr. McGarrett. I am sorry to interrupt your retirement on the pitiful fixed income of a Hawaiian police pension.

McGARRETT: Save it.

WO FAT: I am quite sincere, Mr. McGarrett. I take this action with regret.

McGARRETT: What action? What the hell are you doing? It’s over, Wo Fat!

WO FAT: For you, yes.

McGARRETT: You have the right to remain silent …

WO FAT: You are such a cop!

McGARRETT: You have the right to …

WO FAT: There is a picture of you next to the word “cop” in the dictionary.

McGARRETT: … an attorney.

WO FAT: Yes, of course. If I can’t afford one, your glorious country will provide it. I have memorized this speech, Mr. McGarrett. As Joe Strummer advises me, I know my rights!

McGARRETT: I don’t think so, Wo Fat. “Freedom” isn’t in your dictionary, you commie bastard.

WO FAT: Commie? Please, Mr. McGarrett. You are speaking to the CEO of Wo Fat Imports! I am an entrepreneur, you see? I walk the capitalist road!

McGARRETT: A commie rat by any name is still a rat!

WO FAT: (laughs) Your hair is still amazing, Mr. McGarrett. A frozen wave, trapped in Brylcreem. Exuberant, but dead. A metaphor for America, I think.

McGARRETT: Surf’s up, Wo Fat! America’s still tubular.

WO FAT: I think not.

McGARRETT: Communism is a dead system!

WO FAT: True. As is capitalism. After destroying the communist menace, America destroyed the capitalist menace as well!

McGARRETT: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

WO FAT: Really? (laughs) Today, the People’s Republic of China has become America’s sweatshop. For you we make Beanie Babies, barbecue grills, tiny American flags, and plastic flower pots. Slaves at work, Mr. MrGarrett. This is not, as you say, "free enterprise."

McGARRETT: You’re raving, Wo Fat!

WO FAT: Perhaps. As Lenin said, "The capitalists would sell us the noose to hang them with" …? Sadly, he was wrong. Today, American capitalists buy the noose from us and hang themselves!

McGARRETT: What noose?

WO FAT: Why, the crap I speak of. All of this crap! Look above you, Mr. McGarret. It is all there, suspended above your head!

McGARRETT: Yeah?

He looks up. There is, indeed, a vast assortment of consumer crap, suspended by a net above his head.

McGARRETT: I’ve never bought that crap. Any of it! I buy American, Wo Fat. I check the label, every time.

WO FAT: I’m sure you do. Goodbye, Mr. McGarrett. You have been a worthy enemy.

Wo Fat pushes a button.

The vast heap of consumer crap falls down on McGarrett’s head, crushing him.