Monday, December 27, 2010

'I Dream of Jeannie' -- what really would have happened


Shot of Jeannie's bottle. It's still, then starts rocking back and forth violently. Then it settles again.

Hold for a few seconds.

The bottle starts rocking back and forth again.

'Bewitched' - what really would have happened

DARRIN: OK, Samantha. I'm putting my foot down!

She wrinkles her nose. He bursts into flame.

Gilligans Island - what really would have happened


MARY ANNE and GINGER are both pregnant. They're surrounded by dirty screaming toddlers who all look like GILLIGAN. The kids are constantly breaking things and hurting themselves.

MARY ANNE: God, these kids are driving me crazy! They've got the IQ of rocks!

GINGER: I used to think I was stupid.

LIL GILLIGAN #2: Wahhhh! Lil' Gilligan #4 poke my eye!

LITTLE GILLIGAN #7: Wahhh! Lil' Gilligan 15 put dookie on my head!

GINGER: Slave!

MRS. HOWELL enters the scene, dressed in a burlap sack.

MRS. HOWELL: Yes, Mistress.

GINGER: Deal with these brats, bitch!

MRS. HOWELL: (suddenly defiant) Or?

MARY ANNE: Or share your husband's fate!

Brief shot of MR. HOWELL's lifeless head on a sharpened stick.

MRS. HOWELL: (brightly) I have a better idea!

She throws herself into the lagoon and drowns.

GINGER: God, now you'll have to start changing diapers.

MARY ANNE: No. That's not the way it works.

They stand up defiantly, ready for a throw down.

Suddenly, GILLIGAN enters the scene holding a cocoanut radio.

GILLIGAN: Ladies! Girls! Whatever!

MARY ANNE and GINGER: (lustfully) Gilligan.

GILLIGAN: It's the professor! He made it back to civilization!

GINGER: Oh wow.

MARY ANNE: You're really there, professor?

PROFESSOR: (speaking from the cocoanut) Yes, that's right, ladies. I'm really here. In Hawaii.

They explode with joy, laughing and applauding.

PROFESSOR: Maui is very beautiful this time of year.

GILLIGAN: I thought he said he was in Hawaii.

GINGER: Thank the Cocoanut God!

PROFESSOR: But you'll never see it.

MARY ANNE: What? Why not?

PROFESSOR: Why not? Your lack of perception never fails to astonish me. Why not? You !!@@E$ Gilligan. You !!@@E$ Gilligan. Not me. Gilligan. I'm an MIT graduate! I have three doctorates. I've got an IQ of 176!

MARY ANNE: But his penis is bigger.

GINGER: Like a lot bigger.

PROFESSOR: This fallacious argument only confirms my hypothesis. Obviously, you should not be allowed to contaminate the human gene pool. For the good of humanity, the 19 little waterheads you spawned must never leave the island. It's the scientific thing to do, you !!@## !!@##$s. Professor out.

GILLIGAN: Gee. I thought he was a nice guy. Gosh, you girls look so sad.

MARY ANNE: Yeah. We need a distraction.

GINGER: Make it better, Gilligan. Make it aw better.

GILLIGAN: Like a doctor? Oh. Oh! I get it! (he starts to take off his pants)

The SKIPPER enters the scene, holding a big knife.

GILLIGAN: Hey! These are my girls!

SKIPPER: Yeah! (shifting knife from hand to hand) And you're my little buddy!

"Lost in Space" — what really would have happened


Behind an outcropping of rocks, Major Don studies a tangle of tubing near the hydroponic garden. It's been unplugged and the plants are dying.

MAJOR WEST: Smith! What are you trying to pull -- Smith!

Smith enters the scene.

DR. SMITH: Really! Stop shouting you brash barbarian!

MAJOR WEST: What have you done with our hydroponic water supply?

DR. SMITH: What have I done? Really! It should be apparent to anyone with culture and the IQ of a baboon that I have converted it for use as my own personal bidet. Proper sanitation must be maintained, even in outer space!

MAJOR WEST: This is the limit, Smith! You've finally topped yourself. What the heck is a bidet anyway?


The family is gathered. They hear a laser shot behind the outcropping of rocks.


The family runs into the scene.

DR. ROBINSON: What’s the matter, Don? Are aliens attacking?


DR. ROBINSON: What happened?

MAJOR DON: Uh, I accidentally shot off Dr. Smith’s head with this laser?

They look down at Dr. Smith's severed head.

DR. SMITH: Oh, the pain. The pain. (dies)

ROBOT: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Dr. Smith finally got ahead in life.

DR. ROBINSON: Oh, well. Accidents happen.

MAJOR DON: Yes they do, sir. I'm sorry.

ROBOT: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Dr. Smith always wanted to get ahead.

DR. ROBINSON: Put the safety on next time.

MAJOR: DON: I'll do that, sir.

ROBOT: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Dr. Smith once asked me to ...

DR. ROBINSON removes his power pack.

DR. ROBINSON: I’m sorry son.

WILL: You kidding? Now I can sleep without locking my door.

MRS. ROBINSON: Who wants space popcorn? 

Everyone laughs with glee and runs back to the ship.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Alien Christmas

ALIEN: Merry Christmas!

REPORTER: It’s not Christmas yet.

ALIEN: Christmas came early this year. I love Christmas! It is my favorite human holiday!

REPORTER: What do you love about Christmas?

ALIEN: Everything.

REPORTER: Could you be more specific?

ALIEN: Tis the season.

REPORTER: For what?

ALIEN: Everything.

REPORTER: Some examples would be?

ALIEN: Joy. Joy. 'Tis the season of joy.

REPORTER: What brings you joy?

ALIEN: Killing humans. No. That statement is in error. Christmas. Christmas brings me joy.

REPORTER: Specifically?

ALIEN: Specifically. Joy, joy. The sources of joy. Computing. Turkey and all the trimmings. Cider. Family and friends and colleagues. Home for the holidays. The joy of giving. The joy of taking. Mistletoe. Children’s eyes, glowing with radiation. With glee. The twelve days of Christmas. The night before Christmas. A Visit from St. Nicholas. Jack Daniels. Jack Shit. Error. No. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. The white stuff! Cocaine! Error. No, not cocaine. Snow. Snow is the white stuff. Literal snow. Crystallized water in hexagonal formations. Virginia. Yes, Virginia.

REPORTER: Aren’t you forgetting something?

ALIEN: No. Yes. Santa Claus. The one you call Santa. Yes! Santa brings gifts. Santa brings joys. All other answers are contained in that single answer. Santa is the source of all Christmas joy! We love Santa!

REPORTER: Who is Santa?

ALIEN: He is known by many names. St. Nicholas. Kris Kringle. A jolly old elf. He wears a red suit and drinks Coca Cola. He lives in the North Pole. The elves are his slaves. They make toys. Santa gives them away and gets the credit. He defies the laws of space and time! We fear Santa.

REPORTER: You said you loved Santa.

ALIEN: Fear is love. Love is fear. They are the same.

REPORTER: Does Christmas have a downside?

ALIEN: Paying bills. The Grinch. Scrooge. Dragging the dead tree to the street. Taking Christ out of Christmas.

REPORTER: Do aliens believe in Christ?

ALIEN: Does Christ believe in aliens?

REPORTER: Any parting thoughts?

ALIEN: Christmas comes but once a year. Wrong! Christmas must be celebrated every day! Keep the spirit of Christmas burning in your hearts at all times or we will destroy you!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Waiting for Godot Deux

A country road. A tree. Evening. Estragon, sitting on a low mound, is trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before.

Enter Vladimir.

ESTRAGON: (giving up again). Nothing to be done.

VLADIMIR: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart). I'm beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I've tried to put it from me, saying Vladimir, be reasonable, you …

Enter Godot.

GODOT: Well. Here I am.


GODOT: I’m Godot. I’m here. What do you want?

VLADIMIR: I … I don’t know.

GODOT: You don’t know? Well what about you? Do you know?

ESTRAGON: I … yes. No. No I don’t.

GODOT: Well, this is a fine kettle of fish. Oh, shut the bloody curtain!

Curtain down. “Three Stooges” theme.