Monday, December 27, 2010

"Lost in Space" — what really would have happened


EXT, PAPIER MACHE PLANET - HYDROPONIC GARDEN - DAY

Behind an outcropping of rocks, Major Don studies a tangle of tubing near the hydroponic garden. It's been unplugged and the plants are dying.

MAJOR WEST: Smith! What are you trying to pull -- Smith!

Smith enters the scene.

DR. SMITH: Really! Stop shouting you brash barbarian!

MAJOR WEST: What have you done with our hydroponic water supply?

DR. SMITH: What have I done? Really! It should be apparent to anyone with culture and the IQ of a baboon that I have converted it for use as my own personal bidet. Proper sanitation must be maintained, even in outer space!

MAJOR WEST: This is the limit, Smith! You've finally topped yourself. What the heck is a bidet anyway?

EXT, FAMILY PICNIC TABLE OUTSIDE JUPITER II - DAY

The family is gathered. They hear a laser shot behind the outcropping of rocks.

EXT - HYDROPONIC GARDEN

The family runs into the scene.

DR. ROBINSON: What’s the matter, Don? Are aliens attacking?

MAJOR DON: No.

DR. ROBINSON: What happened?

MAJOR DON: Uh, I accidentally shot off Dr. Smith’s head with this laser?

They look down at Dr. Smith's severed head.

DR. SMITH: Oh, the pain. The pain. (dies)

ROBOT: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Dr. Smith finally got ahead in life.

DR. ROBINSON: Oh, well. Accidents happen.

MAJOR DON: Yes they do, sir. I'm sorry.

ROBOT: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Dr. Smith always wanted to get ahead.

DR. ROBINSON: Put the safety on next time.

MAJOR: DON: I'll do that, sir.

ROBOT: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Dr. Smith once asked me to ...

DR. ROBINSON removes his power pack.

DR. ROBINSON: I’m sorry son.

WILL: You kidding? Now I can sleep without locking my door.

MRS. ROBINSON: Who wants space popcorn? 

Everyone laughs with glee and runs back to the ship.

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