Alien Christmas

ALIEN: Merry Christmas!

REPORTER: It’s not Christmas yet.

ALIEN: Christmas came early this year. I love Christmas! It is my favorite human holiday!

REPORTER: What do you love about Christmas?

ALIEN: Everything.

REPORTER: Could you be more specific?

ALIEN: Tis the season.

REPORTER: For what?

ALIEN: Everything.

REPORTER: Some examples would be?

ALIEN: Joy. Joy. 'Tis the season of joy.

REPORTER: What brings you joy?

ALIEN: Killing humans. No. That statement is in error. Christmas. Christmas brings me joy.

REPORTER: Specifically?

ALIEN: Specifically. Joy, joy. The sources of joy. Computing. Turkey and all the trimmings. Cider. Family and friends and colleagues. Home for the holidays. The joy of giving. The joy of taking. Mistletoe. Children’s eyes, glowing with radiation. With glee. The twelve days of Christmas. The night before Christmas. A Visit from St. Nicholas. Jack Daniels. Jack Shit. Error. No. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. The white stuff! Cocaine! Error. No, not cocaine. Snow. Snow is the white stuff. Literal snow. Crystallized water in hexagonal formations. Virginia. Yes, Virginia.

REPORTER: Aren’t you forgetting something?

ALIEN: No. Yes. Santa Claus. The one you call Santa. Yes! Santa brings gifts. Santa brings joys. All other answers are contained in that single answer. Santa is the source of all Christmas joy! We love Santa!

REPORTER: Who is Santa?

ALIEN: He is known by many names. St. Nicholas. Kris Kringle. A jolly old elf. He wears a red suit and drinks Coca Cola. He lives in the North Pole. The elves are his slaves. They make toys. Santa gives them away and gets the credit. He defies the laws of space and time! We fear Santa.

REPORTER: You said you loved Santa.

ALIEN: Fear is love. Love is fear. They are the same.

REPORTER: Does Christmas have a downside?

ALIEN: Paying bills. The Grinch. Scrooge. Dragging the dead tree to the street. Taking Christ out of Christmas.

REPORTER: Do aliens believe in Christ?

ALIEN: Does Christ believe in aliens?

REPORTER: Any parting thoughts?

ALIEN: Christmas comes but once a year. Wrong! Christmas must be celebrated every day! Keep the spirit of Christmas burning in your hearts at all times or we will destroy you!