Monday, March 23, 2015

Uncle Marty's Big Book of Hate

1: Earbuds that won't stay in your @#$ing ears.
2. Lunatics sitting in the playground talking to themselves.
3. Forms.
4. Conspiracy theories.
5. Mofos in cars in front of you who crawl like turtles when the light changes. Then stop. For no reason whatsoever. Leaving your ass exposed to the red light camera in the middle of the !@#$ intersection.
6. The unholy lizard smile of Governor Scott.
7. The Big-ender/Little-ender debate of Republicans and Democrats.
8. The choirs of America singing to themselves.
9. The corporate monopoly of franchised comic book characters sucking up the creative oxygen of American cinema.
10. The quiet victory of the bad guys.
11: Hypersensitive left-wing twits.
12.The mad prophets of the right who hear the voice of God.
13. Death. Both as a practical reality and a concept.
14. Old age. (See above.)
15. The cosmic disappointment of the twenty-first century.
16. Stanley Kubrick's decision to burn all the footage he didn't use.

Captain Cliche

Captain Cliche and Obvious Boy are trapped.

Obvious Boy: We're trapped in a box, Captain Cliche!
Captain Cliche: You hit the nail on the head, Obvious Boy.
Obvious Boy: There must be some kinda way out of here, Captain Cliche.
Captain Cliche: There isn't, old chum. Unless ...
Obvious Boy: Holy self-storage, Captain Cliche. It looks like this box is a coffin!
Captain Cliche: Well, we'll just have to think outside the box, won't we?

They're standing outside the box.

Obvious Boy: Wow! We're outside the box. How'd you do that?
Captain Cliche: The power of thinking, old chum. Wait!
Obvious Boy: What is it, Captain Cliche?
Captain Cliche: It's that! Look! (pointing
Obvious Boy: It's a can!

There is, in fact, a can on the road.

Captain Cliche: Yes it is, Obvious Boy.
Obvious Boy: Is it dangerous?
Captain Cliche: Could be. Let's just kick that can down the road.
Obvious Boy: Good thinking Captain Cliche!
Captain Cliche: No time for thinking, old chum.

He kicks the can.