Saturday, June 15, 2002

Foul Stench

An alternate scene from the original Star Wars ...


Admiral Motti enters the quite control room and bows before Governor Tarkin, who stands before the huge wall screen displaying a small, green planet.

Motti: We've entered the Alderaan system.

Vader and two stormtroopers enter with Princess Leia. Her hands are bound.

Princess Leia: Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Tarkin: Foul stench? Seriously? You recognized it?

Princess Leia: Governor --

Tarkin: How about this? (cuts one) Recognize that?

Vader, Leia, Motti all react.

Leia: Gahhhhhh.

Vader: Apparently, something has died inside your ass!

Tarkin: How about this? (another loud fart) Does that one ring a bell?

Princess Leia: Stop it!

Tarkin: (sniffs) Why, that smells like Tarkin! I love the smell of Tarkin in the morning!

Another prolonged blast of methane. The lights flutter, go off. The death ray shuts down.

Vader: Damn it, Tarkin -- you blew out the Death Star electrical system! It's highly sensitive to methane, you idiot.

A stormtrooper enters.

Stormtrooper: Hey. Let’s get some light in here.

He lights a match. The Death Star explodes.