Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Batman and The Joker in "The Acid Test"


BATMAN spies the JOKER, who’s standing dangerously close to the edge. BATMAN advances, ready to do some serious damage. The JOKER laughs insanely. But he’s different somehow. Weirdly calm, less hysterical …

BATMAN: Why are you laughing, Joker?

JOKER: I don’t know, Batman. Hoo-hoo-hoo. That hot toddy Alfred gave you three hours ago … Hoo-hoo! Would you say it had an “acid” taste?

BATMAN: Oh my God! You fiend!

BATMAN staggers.

JOKER: Ah! Perfect timing! Go with it, OK?

BATMAN: (suddenly realizing he’s in a freaking bat suit) What … what do I need this costume for?

JOKER: I’ve always wondered. Hoo-hoo-hoo!

BATMAN: Must … maintain … control.

JOKER: Ah, the face of constipation! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

BATMAN: What’s. So. Funny?

JOKER: You have to ask? Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! What isn’t? Hoo-hoo-hoo!

BATMAN: Where. Is your. Evil scheme. Going?

JOKER: Nowhere. Hoo-hoo-hoo! I’ve suddenly grown very tired of pranks. Hoo-hoo! I mean … what’s the point? To make myself laugh? Hoo-hoo! I’m already laughing! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

BATMAN: Yeah ... Ha! Every … everything’s just funny.

JOKER: Yes! I was thinking that! It’s like we’re …

BATMAN: Reading each other’s …

JOKER: Yes, exactly. Hoo-hoo! I am he and you are me and we are all together!

BATMAN: Wow. I finally understand what that song …

BATMAN is suddenly distracted, entranced. He walks to the edge of the roof, studies the blinking lights of radio and TV towers, the ribbons of car headlights in the distant street below.

BATMAN: You … you can see the whole city from here. My God! The patterns. It’s like a dance. It’s like … everything’s alive.

JOKER: Everything is alive.

BATMAN: Every …

BATMAN falls to his knees and starts crying.

JOKER: There, there. Have a good cry, you pussy. Hoo-hoo-hoo!

BATMAN: (getting up) I’m not. A pussy.

JOKER: No. You’re a bat. And I’m a freaking playing card! A wild card!

BATMAN: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Jokers wild!

JOKER: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! That’s not even remotely funny!

BATMAN: That’s why it’s funny! Ha-ha-ha!

JOKER: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh stop, please. I’m going to piss my idiotic purple pants.

BATMAN: You think that’s idiotic? I’m …

Takes off his bat mask, looks at it with disgust.

BATMAN: God … look at …

Tosses mask over the edge of the roof.

VO: Ow!

BATMAN: Why do I take myself so freaking seriously?

JOKER: Because you’re …

BATMAN: Yeah, I am.

JOKER: You knew I was going to say …

BATMAN: Asshole, yeah.

JOKER: Think of a number between one and a thousand.

BATMAN: 587.

JOKER: No freaking way! Hoo-hoo …

BATMAN: Ha-ha. Wow.

JOKER: If you tried to do that …

BATMAN: Lottery. No. Wouldn’t work.

JOKER: Why would you want to?

BATMAN: Money. Pfft.

JOKER: Who needs money?

BATMAN: Who? Nobody. They think they do but …

JOKER: Everything’s here. It’s all right here. Now.

BATMAN: Yeah, exactly! There’s no separation, nothing to prove. It’s just …

JOKER: Yeah.



BATMAN: My blood is moving faster, Joker.

JOKER: That’s because the sun is coming up.

BATMAN: Yeah … The birds. I’ve been hearing …

JOKER: Me, too. Christ, you’re crying again.

BATMAN: No. That’s just the ocean flowing through my …

JOKER: Look! (pointing) There it is! Oh God. There … Between those …

BATMAN: I see it. The sunrise. It’s the first sunrise I’ve ever seen …

JOKER: When you were really …

BATMAN: Alive. Yeah.

JOKER: Alive.

BATMAN: God, I don’t want to go back to work.

Thursday, May 14, 2015


OK, kids. This is a real dream. I had it long ago when I actually remembered my dreams. But no bullcrap. Honest.

I was sitting in the doctor's office. The doctor came up to me with a worried look on his face ...

ME: What's wrong, doc?
DOC: You have a very serious condition.
ME: I do? What?
DOC: An aphasic congealment of the lymph nodes, I'm afraid.
ME: Holy crap! I'm a goner!
DOC: No. Not necessarily.
ME: You mean there's hope?
DOC: Yes. Slim. Very slim. But the hope is there.
ME: What?? Tell me, doc! What???
DOC: A compound, you see. Rare. Exceedingly rare. But it can cure you.
ME: Well ... what is it? Tell me!
DOC: I was getting to that! Well. You see ... There is a tribe in the Amazonian delta. For their blow darts, they extract an emulsified resin from underneath the wings of a rare species of duck found only in that region. That is your only chance of survival.
ME: You mean??
DOC: Yes. Piqqaquikkaquakkaquokkaquk.