Wednesday, November 6, 1996

Bring me the head of Barney the Dinosaur

OPEN, Mister Rogers staring wide-eyed at the camera.

MISTER ROGERS: Hello kids. Are you afraid of the toilet? Don't be afraid of the toilet. You can't fall in. No. You'll never get sucked in that spinning vortex of death, screaming helplessly and thrashing your arms ...

Cut to SEAN, the cameraman -- tough looking guy with Boston-Irish accent.

SEAN: Jesus, you sick bastard.


MISTER ROGERS: ... until you and the peepee and doodie go down the drain to the sewer place where all the bad things go forever and ever and your mommy and daddy can't help you. That can't happen to you. No! Let's sing a song.

You can never go down
Can never go down
Can never go down the drain.
You can never go down
Can never go down
Can never go down the drain.


SEAN sits alone at a table, eating a sandwich.

SEAN: (to himself) Sick fucking bastard.

BARNEY enters, unscrews his head. It's a black guy who resembles Samuel L. Jackson. He sits down next to SEAN.

BARNIE: Hell you muttering about?

SEAN: Mister Rogers. He's not right, man.

BARNEY: Kids like him.

SEAN: You like him?

BARNEY: No, man. He creeps me out. He got that Anthony Perkins thing going.

SEAN: Anthony Perkins?

BARNEY: Y'know. The "Psycho" dude. Eeee-eee?

SEAN: Yeah, the "Psycho" guy. Right. They could be brothers.

BARNEY: His eyes don't blink, man. Creep me the fuck out. What's your damn problem?

SEAN: Ah, I left some shit in the studio. My girlfriend got me this present. She'll chew my ass out.

BARNEY: Go get it then. Pussy-whipped motherfucker. I ain't stopping you.


SEAN wanders through the studio.

SEAN: Purple dinosaur. I get my balls busted. By a fucking purple dinosaur. Now what? Ah, Jesus. Who left the lights on?

Someone is talking in the the supposedly empty Neighborhood of Make Believe set. SEAN's curious. Wanders closer. Sees --

MISTER ROGERS has arranged all the puppets in a semi-circle. He stands at the center, talking to them -- and doing the puppet voices so the puppets seem to talk back.

MISTER ROGERS: I am here, my children. Who are you?

PUPPETS: We are nothing! We are puppets! We are creatures of putty and clay! We have no life but the life you give us! We have no words, but the words you speak through us!


PUPPETS: You are our Creator! You give us life!

MISTER ROGERS: What is my name?

PUPPETS: Mister Rogers! Mister Rogers is your holy name!

MISTER ROGERS: Who is Mister Rogers?

PUPPETS: You are God!


PUPPETS: Hail Mister Rogers! Hail to our God!

MISTER ROGERS: Mister Rogers is God in his own personal universe.

PUPPETS: All hail! All hail Mister Rogers!

MISTER ROGERS: Worship your God!

PUPPETS: We worship you! We --

HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT: Meow-meow! Intruder, meow!

KING FRIDAY: An outsider among us!

MISTER ROGERS turns and sees SEAN.

MISTER ROGERS: Hello neighbor.

SEAN: Look, I don't know what --

MISTER ROGERS: (holding something up) You know what this is?

SEAN: I fucking quit, OK?

MISTER ROGERS. Taser. Can you say Taser?

MISTER ROGERS zaps SEAN with the Taser. He jerks spasmodically.

SEAN wakes up, tied to a chair.

SEAN: Let me go, OK? This is not funny.

MISTER ROGERS: Behold the unbeliever.

SEAN looks around. He's surrounded by a circle of puppets -- like bloodthirsty Romans in the Coliseum.

PUPPETS: Death to the unbeliever!

SEAN: Help! Somebody fucking help me!

MISTER ROGERS: No one will help you. The studio is sound proof. Can you say sound proof?

SEAN: Help! H -- ah, fuck it.

MISTER ROGERS. Well, my children. What shall we do with the unbeliever?

PUPPETS: Hanging!

KING FRIDAY: Electrocution! Electrocute him with Trolley!

HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT: No, meow-meow. Fire!

MISTER ROGERS. Fire is good, Henrietta. I like that idea, mmm-hmm.

The puppets cheer.

PUPPETS: Fire! Yay.

HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT: Meow-meow! Fire! My idea, meow-meow!

MISTER ROGERS: Now where did I put the gas can?

HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT: Meow-meow, there! Under the castle.

MISTER ROGERS: Thank you, Henrietta.

SEAN: I fucking hate you, Henrietta Pussycat!

Mister Rogers walks towards the castle -- then turns around.

BARNEY is standing there.

BARNEY: Fuck you doing?

MISTER ROGER: Well. We're having a party. You're invited too.

Fires Taser. Nothing happens.

BARNEY: Insulated, dig? You know how many fucking times some punk's tried to tase my purple ass?

BARNEY advances.

MISTER ROGERS: Get away from me.

BARNEY advances.

MISTER ROGERS: I'm Mister Rogers. You're extinct! You --

BARNEY closes the distance. Mister Rogers runs.

Hold a few beats. BARNEY returns.

BARNEY: It's true.

SEAN: What's true?

BARNEY cuts the rope with a switchblade.

BARNEY: That "can't go down the drain," shit. It's true man.

SEAN looks down. Water is spreading across the floor.

BARNEY: Let's grab something to eat.

They walk out of the studio