Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Blasé, undecided independent

(to the tune of The Kinks' "Dedicated Follower of Fashion")

They seek me here.
They seek me there.
Their views are loud.
They want to share.
Politicians eager to convert me to their cause
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.

And so I fill my little mind
With punditry of every kind.
Tuning in to Amy Goodman. Switching to Glen Beck.
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.

Oh yes I am (oh yes I am), oh yes I am (oh yes I am).
I think I see both points of view quite clearly.
I'm so open-minded that my head feels rather light.
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.

Oh yes I am (oh yes I am), oh yes I am (oh yes I am).
There's one thing that I hate and that is shouting.
Come election day if they don't calm down I think I might stay home.
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.

Oh yes I am (oh yes I am), oh yes I am (oh yes I am).
I flit from Left to Right just like a butterfly.
Reading Ayn Rand on one day, Karl Marx the next
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
I'm a blasé, undecided independent.

Monday, September 3, 2012

White Heat Cereal


Black and white scratchy footage. James Cagney and his platinum blonde Gun Moll sit at a table. There's a box of WHITE HEAT CEREAL (with a picture of a 45 aimed straight at you) and a bowl.

ANNOUNCER: (OS) For a kill-crazy criminal on the run, there's only one way to start the day. White Heat Cereal, with real film noir flavor!

James Cagney pours cereal into bowl.
The cereal is shaped like two X-es fused together.

CAGNEY: Say, it's a double cross!

ANNOUNCER: Sure. There's a double cross in every bite.

Gun Moll smirks.

CAGNEY: Say, what are you looking at?

Rams a grapefruit in her face.

CAGNEY: Now get me the morning paper. Make yourself useful.

She runs out of the room crying.

Cagney digs around in the cereal box.

CAGNEY: Say, where's my prize? There's no prize in the box!

ANNOUNCER: (OS) Here's your prize.

The 45 on the cereal box shoots Cagney in the face.

The Announcer enters with the Gun Moll.

GUN MOLL: Say. He didn't finish his cereal.

ANNOUNCER: Too bad. It's the most important meal of the day.

They share a laugh.

Sirens. (OS)

They run.

Sunday, September 2, 2012


Weird, yellowish lighting from Mercury vapor lamps. Scooby Doo stands by the Mystery Machine. Waits.

Whirring noise. (OS)

The Jetsons' hovercar glides down and lands on the parking lot. Judy and Astro are inside. Judy's driving, of course.

The hovercar's bubble top opens. Astro emerges. Judy starts to get out too, but he nods for her to stay back.

Astro walks up to the Mystery Machine, stops, confronts Scooby Doo.

Astro: Ry reep ry romises.

Scooby Doo: Ree roo.

Scooby Doo nods. Panel door slides open on the van. Shaggy emerges, roughly manhandling out a figure with a hood over his head. Removes hood. We see it's George Jetson.

Shaggy shoves George to the asphalt.

George: Astro!

George tries to run to his dog. Shaggy pulls a 45. George stops.

Shaggy: Stay out of this pal. (giggles) Like, hang back and watch the show.

Scooby Doo pulls out a wicked katana sword. Holds it forward in a classic stance.

Scooby Doo: Rets rinish ris.

Astro: Ree ron't rave roo roo ris.

Scooby Doo: Ro. Rin re rend, rere ran ree ronly rone.

Scooby Doo charges Astro with a samurai battle cry. Astro pulls out his own wicked katana. The two talking dogs fight. It's spectacular, take my word for it.

Astro cuts off Scooby Doo's head. A flash of lightning. Astro absorbs Scooby Doo's life energy with a scream, then collapses.

George: Let's go home, Astro.

George and Astro walk back to Judy, who's been waiting by the hovercar. Judy gives Astro a doggy treat. The Jetson family gets into the hovercar. The bubble top closes. It lifts off and glides away.

Now alone, Shaggy studies Scooby Doo's body.

Shaggy: Like, bummer.