Saturday, July 14, 2001

Chinese Olympics

Now that our pals, the Red Chinese, will be hosting the 2008 Olympics, it seems to me the current Olympic games just won't give them a chance to show off their special skills. Here are a few new events that will:

100 Meter Tank Run. Contestants in tanks compete to see how many dissidents they can crush in a 100-meter replica of Tiananmen Square. Extra points for crushing photographers taking historic photos.

Top Gun Spy Plane Intimidation Rally. Aces from all over China show how far they can go when it comes to scaring the shit out of some career American military slobs in a C140 spy plane. Death is an immediate disqualifier.

Spy Plane Disassembly. How fast can YOU take the plane apart? Furious competition will answer just that question. How fast can you put it back together? Who cares?

Tibetan Asskicking Contest. Nonviolent Buddhist monks are carefully handselected to get their asses kicked and do nothing about it. Top-seeded contestants are privileged to compete in Richard Gere Asskicking Contest later in the day.

Sweatshop Relay. Foremen from around the world compete in bullying their teams of shackled, abused women to see who can produce the most miniature American flags and Amnesty International bumper stickers.

Software and CD Piracy Competition. How many bootleg copies of Windows 2008 and Metallica's Load can you press while the clock is ticking? Lars Ulrich Asskicking Contest to follow.

Thursday, July 5, 2001

The Hitler Channel ...

AKA the History Channel. Seems to me, 90% of the time, it's playing something about Hitler...when it ain't a buncha gangsters and ghosts. Fuck it. Why not be upfront about it? Why not just call it...


Open INT, Hitler Channel set. ROGER DUMM sitting behind desk with assorted Hitler memorabilia* all around him.

DUMM: Hello, I’m Roger Dumm.

History is a paradoxical tapestry of achievement and atrocity, creation and destruction and more cultures than you could shake a stick at. But here at the Hitler Channel, we say to hell with the tapestry. We don’t care about the "big picture" any more than you do -- which as why you won’t hear word one about Ur of the Chaldees, the Cargo Cultists or the War of Jenkin’s Ear. We know what you want and we give it to you...

All Hitler, all the time.

With that thought in mind, we now return you to part 7 of “The Recipes of Adolph Hitler.”

Scratched, crappy old B+W footage. Standard issue BBC announcer’s voice, the kind of self-important delivery “Monty Python” made fun of. Throughout, the ANNOUNCER’s words are illustrated with the appropriate choppy film clips and badly-drawn maps and graphics.)

ANNOUNCER: An ardent vegetarian, Hitler was self-taught in various means of vegetarian food preparation and had instructed his kitchen staff accordingly. Since Hitler was as competent in this area as he was in the fields of watercolor painting, architecture and military strategy, by the winter of 1943 he began showing signs of malnutrition and protein deficiency and had also become subject to random attacks of explosive diarrhea. Aware of his weakening condition, Hitler’s generals were increasingly concerned -- knowing that Hitler, in his deteriorating state, was clearly not up to the task of leading the Axis powers for whom, by now, the war was going badly on several fronts.

Hitler’s generals began openly urging him to compromise his vegetarianism -- to at least consider soups and stews based on a modified beef stock. Hitler responded by chewing the carpet. The generals responded by basting the carpet in beef stew. This worked for a time until, on the night of October 14th, 1943, Hitler experienced a particularly intense attack of diarrhea. The carpet was subsequently thrown out.

By November of 1943, Hitler was at last willing to agree that a light vegetable stock was insufficient for his nutritional needs. But he was still unwilling to compromise his vegetarian principles.

Instead, Hitler responded by launching an intensive research program.

Here, for the first time, is the recently declassified footage of Hitler’s secret "Uber-VegetableForschungsinstitut" in the Harz Mountains.

Black and white footage of underground, concrete-block lab in which a Nazi version of the Galloping Gourmet chops vegetables and maintains running commentary in gutteral pseudo-German.

STORMTROOPING GOURMET: (sniffing the air) Ja -- nothin’ sez luvin' like something from der oven, ja? (rubbing hands) Here come der veggies! Ja!

A tiny model choochoo train chugs in front of him loaded with vegetables.

STORMTROOPING GOURMET: (instinctively doing a vegetable “selektion”) Das es ein goot carrot! Das es ein INFERIOR carrot! Das es ein UNTERCARROT!! (stomping on carrot, then shooting it)

ANNOUNCER: But Hitler's quest for the "Ubercarrot" would remain a fruitless one. Which is to say, vegetableless...

In January of 1944, the Allies began the initial phase of “Operation Herbox” -- a plan to drop thousands of beef bullion cubes on Hitler’s mountain redoubt and drive him insane with guilt over the irresistable lapse from strict vegetanarianism that was sure to follow. According to this plan, Major Donovan of the OSS would subsequently parachute into Hitler's retreat disguised as a large radish. If the Allies....


....all Hitler, all the time.

*including a dung-stained carpet, natch.