Chinese Olympics

Now that our pals, the Red Chinese, will be hosting the 2008 Olympics, it seems to me the current Olympic games just won't give them a chance to show off their special skills. Here are a few new events that will:

100 Meter Tank Run. Contestants in tanks compete to see how many dissidents they can crush in a 100-meter replica of Tiananmen Square. Extra points for crushing photographers taking historic photos.

Top Gun Spy Plane Intimidation Rally. Aces from all over China show how far they can go when it comes to scaring the shit out of some career American military slobs in a C140 spy plane. Death is an immediate disqualifier.

Spy Plane Disassembly. How fast can YOU take the plane apart? Furious competition will answer just that question. How fast can you put it back together? Who cares?

Tibetan Asskicking Contest. Nonviolent Buddhist monks are carefully handselected to get their asses kicked and do nothing about it. Top-seeded contestants are privileged to compete in Richard Gere Asskicking Contest later in the day.

Sweatshop Relay. Foremen from around the world compete in bullying their teams of shackled, abused women to see who can produce the most miniature American flags and Amnesty International bumper stickers.

Software and CD Piracy Competition. How many bootleg copies of Windows 2008 and Metallica's Load can you press while the clock is ticking? Lars Ulrich Asskicking Contest to follow.