Monday, May 14, 2012

Dr. Monster's Super Villain Aptitude Test

Exciting careers await in the expanding field of supervillainry! Do you have what it takes? Select the response that feels right to you and find out!

1. Are your decisions based on objective fact or emotions?

(A) I remain objective.

(B) The question is irrelevant. I bend the world to my will and create the facts that I desire.

(C) I struggle not to let feelings cloud my judgment but they often do.

2. When making decisions, do you leave your options open or prefer to have matters settled?

(A) I like to leave my options open.

(B) I narrow the options based on the options I think are best in this situation.

(C) Nothing should ever go wrong. There is no room or excuse for failure. “Plan B” is for the weak.

3. Do you prefer developing new and innovative systems or making existing systems better?

(A) I like to develop new, innovative systems.

(B) Humanity is a flock of mindless sheep. Their pitiful “existing systems” mean nothing to me. I will lay them to waste and create a perfect world in my image.

(C) I just want to make existing systems work more efficiently.

4. Where do you fall in a scale between logical and analytical and personable and sensitive?

(A) Your categories are limited and pathetic. My soul cannot be mapped by such crude parameters. The last person who tried died in unimaginable agony.

(B) I am logical but I do have a heart, too.

(C) I am personable and sensitive to the exclusion of logic.

5. Are you more of a practical, hands-on worker or an idea person?

(C) I am a practical, hands-on worker.

(B) I am an idea person who sometimes finds it easier to be quiet and focus on work.

(C) Ideas mean nothing without work. The ideas of the true superman must create work. The burning fire inside my brain will set my minions to the task at hand.

6. Are you a detail person or do you go with the flow?

(A) I am a detail person.

(B) I am a detail-oriented person but sometimes there’s no time for that.

(C) I am the flow. My impulses are always right. I simply act. Thinking is for the weak. My will is the will of God. The Tao, history, destiny, God—whatever insipid term you care to use—flows through me, and only through me. Behold! I have come to change the world in my image, to bring new order, and destruction and pain to the weak. For petty details, I prefer the Google Day Planner widget. It is quite intuitive.

7. On social occasions do you prefer listening to what is going on around you or do you prefer watching the goings-on?

(A) I do not watch the mob; they watch me--offering abject, cringing obedience. No talking, though hymns in my honor are acceptable.

(B) I prefer to listen but sometimes I like to watch, too.

(C) I don't like to be too aware of what other people are doing or saying.

8. How do you prefer to learn—through diagrams and pictures or through experiments and activities?

(A) I prefer to learn by viewing diagrams and pictures.

(B) I like classes that mix visual and hands-on training.

(C) My days of learning are over. I am here to give lessons. They shall come in many forms.

9. When assigned a task, do you start by reading the instructions or figure it out as you go?

(A) Who would dare assign me a task? I must search my memory for the last time this happened. I was 7, yes, that’s it. My father told me to rake the leaves off the front porch. I set him on fire.

(B) I feel uncomfortable undertaking a task until I have been trained in the procedures.

(C) I think I can figure this out as I go but I will glance at the directions if needed.

10. Which of the following best describes your ability to speak and persuade others?

(A) I am always able to persuade others that I am right.

(B) I speak. The weak submit. They know their master’s voice! They honor me with their eyes and expressions of pathetic devotion, almost sexual. I feel no honor, for they are weak.

(C) I have a hard time persuading others.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

If I wanted America to fail ...

Before the final exam, I would keep America up late at night and get America drunk.

I would attack America's self-image and make America cry.

I would hide America's keys before an important job interview.

I would break into America's house and do multiple searches for "Evil clown fisting" in Google.