Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Another Serious Load of the Magic of the Oscars

The Oscar lies on the floor, stage left. Forlorn little statuette all by itself. Also, the edge of an awards envelope, partially in frame.

Hold on Oscar. We hear arguing in the background.

Warren Beatty walks up to the Oscar, picks it up, smiles, and shuffles up to the microphone. 

Beatty: Man. I should really give this shiny little fellow to Arthur Penn. (smiles) So many people to thank. So many. Bonnie Parker. Clyde Barrow. Ha. No, seriously ... Faye Dunaway ... (looks around) Oh, where’d she run off to? (looks again) Damnit, I know I saw her somewhere. (shouts) Faye!

Matt Damon suddenly runs up.

Beatty: Hey. You're not Faye ...

Damon: That's mine, grandpa.

Damon punches him in the face.

Beatty hits the floor like a sack of bad reviews. Oscar rolls from his hands. Damon deftly picks it up.

Damon: Sorry, man. 

Damon walks away. Beatty groans. Damon stops. Turns his head.

Damon: You mind keeping it down back there? If it makes you feel any better, I actually liked "Dick Tracy."

Damon walks up to the microphone, holding Oscar. Beatty still in frame, lying on the floor in the BG.

Damon: (big smile) Wow. A lot of people to thank for this. Ken ... wherever you are, you had a vision, man. Not a happy-happy story but ...

Beatty groans.

Damon: Jesus, man, you sound like the f*** ghost of Christmas Past back there. Look, I said I was sorry. Can I thank the people? You mind?

Beatty groans.

Damon: Hey! You're really starting to piss me off, old man. What the f*** do you want?

Beatty groans. Damon notices he's holding an awards envelope in his shaking hand.

Damon: Oh, f*** me. OK.

Walks over, grabs envelope from Beatty's extended hand. Reads ...

Damon: What? (reads again) "Hacksaw Ridge"...? No f*** way! "Hacksaw Ridge"...?? Motherf*****!!!"

He spikes the Oscar on the stage, kicks over an abstract set piece and stomps off. 

Damon: (OS) Motherf*****!!!"

Once again, Oscar lies prone and abandoned.

Hold on statuette. View of big black shoes entering frame. A liver-spotted hand reaches down and picks up the statuette.

Pull back.

We see it's Mel Gibson, with a long beard and side curls, and sporting a big black hat and long black coat dropped with a prayer shawl. He looks very much like Tevye. And sounds like Mel Brooks.

He strokes Oscar's head, comforting him.

Gibson: Poor little fella. So much tsuris in one night, huh? Let's do this thing, already. 

He approaches mic.

Gibson: Hello people. 30 seconds, I know, I know. Who do I got to thank? Who do you think I got to thank? I'm talking about all you wonderful J--

Sound cuts. Go to wide shot, auditorium.

Music up.

Roll credits.

The Magic of the Oscars

A cruel mistake goes down in the last lap of the 2017 Oscars. Having been set up by fate to look like a doddering feeb, Warren Beatty gives the Oscar for best picture to “La La Land” when it should've gone to “Moonlight.” After a headless chicken dance worthy of Benny Hill, officials pluck the Oscar from Damien Chazelle (“La La Land” director) and deliver it to Barry Jenkins (“Moonlight” director). Every African-American in the audience is happy. Every Euro-American pretends to be happy. With the exception of poor, damn Warren Beatty, who simply looks confused.

OK, that’s the set-up. 

Let the wild rumpus begin.


Jenkins holds up the gelded, anthropomorphic, gold statuette. His face beams with dazed rapture and surprise. Then he finally speaks.

Jenkins: Wow. I must be dreaming ...

Quick cut of Jenkins, standing on the stage, Oscar in hand. Totally nude in front of the whole auditorium and millions of TV viewers. Behind the stage, there's a gigantic blackboard emblazoned with an arcane equation. Jenkins' sneering high school algebra professor appears and loudly proclaims that the clock is already ticking on his final exam. He hopes that Jenkins is sufficiently prepared. "A failure in my course = a failure in your life. Are you familiar with that equation?" The audience howls with laughter.

Back to reality —

Jenkins: Very clearly, even in my dreams, this could not be true. 

Behind him, Warren Beatty mumbles.

Beatty: It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault, it wasn't ...

Shirley MacClaine slaps him. 

MacClaine: Stop it! You’re starting to sound like Casey Afleck.

Jenkins: But to hell with dreams, I’m done with it, ‘cause t...

Sudden commotion backstage. A bald-headed man in a tux runs up to the microphone. 

Bald Guy: I’m sorry, really sorry. There’s been a mistake. 

Groan from audience

Bald Guy: Another mistake. 

Ricky Gervais: (OS) Right. Pull the other one.

Bald Guy: I’m not joking. I’m really, really not joking. 

More groans.

Bald Guy: No, seriously. Price Waterhouse. They’re just so cheap. The damn printer keeps ... 

Beatty: (OS) See? It wasn’t my fault.

Bald Guy: Anyway, uh, the Academy Award for Best Picture is actually supposed to go to ...

Opens envelope. Removes the card with the winner’s name. Studies it a long time. Squints. 

Ghost of Jackie Gleason: (OS) Will you get on with it?

And he finally says --

Bald Guy: “Manchester By the Sea.” 

Groans, screams, Bronx cheers and catcalls.

Bald Guy: No, seriously. Is Kenneth Lonergan ... is he the guy?

Cutaway to Lonergan, who’s had a massive heart attack in his chair.

Bald Guy: He’s the director. I’m supposed to give him the Oscar, right? 

Cutaways to various shouting audience members.

Jack Nicholson: No dumbass. Directors get the best director award. This is the best picture award. That means you hand the little gold hood ornament to the producer. 

Bald Guy: I have no idea who ...

Spike Lee: The movie has five producers man.

Matt Damon stands up.

Damon: I’ll take it.

Bald Guy: You got it. 

Audience screams -- and bombards Damon with sacks of candy.
Damon: Ow. Stop it!

Angry shouts continue. (OS) A fight going on that we can't see.  

Ben Affleck: (OS) How come he gets the Oscar?

Bald Guy: The clock is ticking, OK? I have to give it to somebody.

Affleck: (OS) That’s an envelope, Doofus.

Looks at right hand. Drops envelope in terror. Starts patting his chest, digging his hands in his pockets.
Bald Guy: But I don’t have ...

The Bald Guy desperately looks around. 

Bald Guy: Who has the Oscar ... somebody? Please raise your hand. I’m supposed to ... 

He spots Jenkins. Still holding the Oscar.

Bald Guy: You! The black guy!

Runs up to Jenkins.

Bald Guy: Sorry, Mr. Uh ..

Smiles sheepishly.

Bald Guy: I don’t know your name. But ...

Jenkins drops the Oscar on the floor. 

Jenkins: To hell with this noise.

He walks off stage.

To be continued ...

Monday, February 27, 2017

Crossing the line

What does Trump have to do to cross the line? Seriously.


Personality Profile: Donald J. Trump. 2018-2019.
Selected data for personality analysis. Evidentiary material primarily verbal, but also includes behavioral component and reactions of others to individual under consideration. Full data set available. Ultra-clearance only.

TRANSCRIPT: The News You Need Now / 1.15.18

Jack Helm: Zoltan Szabo, a bitter, unemployed circus clown, assaulted President Trump at this morning's appearance in the Glendale California Civic Auditorium. A cream pie, approximately 9" in diameter, was the means of his attack. Secret Service agents immediately detained the former clown and later took him to an undisclosed location for questioning.

Szabo blamed Trump for last year's closure of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. He made this accusation in an incoherent rant immediately prior to his large pastry attack. Szabo's incoherent rants were recorded in both audio and video formats.

Visibly angered by the incident, President Trump ordered all media representatives to leave the auditorium. He was heard shouting at the Secret Agents. His exact words could not be determined, due to the auditorium's thick walls. The United States Secret Service refused to comment. 

During today's brief afternoon press anouncement, President Trump characterized widespread reports of Szabo's mental illness as "fake news." He went on to label Szabo a "loser terrorist." before dropping the microphone and exiting the stage. The unemployed clown was later deported to the detention facility at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base.

TRANSCRIPT: Presidential Announcement / 1.15.18
President Trump: Fake news. Fake news. Just wrong. This clown person is crazy? No. That's his excuse? No. He knew exactly what he was doing. He aimed that pie with amazing priecision, just amazing. He came right at me, just like ... The man attacked me! Everyone saw it! But the media defends him, they make excuses, they justify his actions. I know they're laughing at me. Why? Because they hate me, just ... nothing but hate in their hearts. It's a hateful thing. It's sick. You want to hear the true news? The media is my enemy. They're your enemy, America's enemy. They want the clowns to win. No. Clowns are losers. I'm a winner. I win, they lose." 

TRANSCRIPT: The News You Need Now / 1.16.18
In an unprecedented development, Trump has officially disbanded the United States Secret Service. Although no official explanation was given, the action is widely presumed to be a response to the recent clown attack. 


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 17
Secret Service? So secret they're not even there. Gross incompetence. Nothing more gross than that. They're out. Starting now. I'll get my own people.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 17
Loser clown attacks. Stupid Service useless. Moron media doesn't put 2+2 together. I will.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 17
Attention moron media. Clown hit me with pie. Stupid Service FAIL. That's why I fired them. You can make it official. Morons!

TRANSCRIPT: The Dallas Report / 1.18.18
President Trump's new private security force made its first appearance at today's gala event at the Dallas Convention Center. They sported sleek, form fitting body suits designed by Ivanka Trump herself. He calls them the "Tough Guys," and they certainly live up to that name. Those attending were highly impressed by their demonstration of Systema Spetsnaz, a martial arts technique developed in the Soviet era. 

Trump: "There's a new sheriff in town. Me. And them. They're the deputy sheriffs. There's, uh, seven of them -- seven you can see. Who knows how many you can't see? Why do I need my Tough Guys? Because the terrorists can be everywhere. Like her for example. See the white makeup? Who needs that much makeup? She looks like a clown to me.

Trump snapped his fingers at this point. Two agents of his "Tough Guys" security team swiftly dragged the prominent Dallas socialite and mother of three away with expert efficiency. Trump continued to address the capacity crowd.

"The terrorists can be everywhere. But so can we. And we are. And we're not giving in! Islamic terror. Clown terror. Any kind of terror. It ends here. It ends today. They won't see it coming. But I will. Wait till you see, ha. You having a good time?"


"You people are awesome. You gotta try the buffet table. seriously. Seriously. The club sandwiches are huge. I'm not exaggerating. Huge! This is the true heart of Texas. The Dallas audience is the greatest audience in the world!"

The President then waved goodbye and was greeted with a standing ovation.


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Tough Guys awesome. Totally awesome.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Insane ride back to DFW. 90 mph, all the way. Insane. Way they do it in Russia. Saw it on YouTube, always wanted to try.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Nobody hurt, no scratch on limos. Tough Guys awesome drivers. Evasion techniques, pro training. Skills like Earnhardt.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
OK, one scratch. 

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
I like the Earnhardt who didn't get killed.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
We're here!

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Still here. Stuck at the airport. Boring. Presidential plane. But can't take off.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Love the people of Texas. Beautiful people, beautiful country. Next to USA, most beautiful country in world.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
FAKE NEWS ALERT! Moron media claims I think Texas is a country. Meant "countryside." More lies, lies, lies. Bad.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Mentally insane editorial from Sen. BS in NYT. Attacks me, personally. Blah, blah, blah. Alzheimer's, has to be. Somebody shut him up, please.

TRANSCRIPT: CNN Tonight / 1.19.18
Sad news tonight. Senator Bernie Sanders was pronounced dead at 11:57 this evening at George Washington University Hospital. His death came after a protracted struggle, despite the heroic efforts of attending physicians to save him. Seven hours earlier, he had been rushed to the hospital after complaining of convulsions and severe pains after dining at the Capitol Grill.


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 19
Nice restaurant. Too bad Sen. BS croaks there! Bad for business. Good people. My heart goes out to them.

TRANSCRIPT: CNN Tonight / follow-up report / 1.19.18
Forensic investigators called to the scene reported traces of Plutonium in the soup Senator Sanders had enjoyed after his main course. They detected it in the soup bowl itself, which had fallen beneath the table after Sanders' convulsions began.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 19
Soup after dinner? Low class. Sad.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 19
I won't have what he's having.

TRANSCRIPT: CNN Special Report / 1.19.18
The White House Press secretary expressed the President's shock and extended his condolences to a grieving nation during this time of tragedy. He then read a brief statement from the President. "Senator Sanders and I had our disagreements. Huge disagreements. But he said what he thought, just like me. He's not a fake. He's not a liar. I respect that. Worthy opponent. He was my opponent, so he lost. But he had my respect and that's a hard club to get into. He was a great man who just happened to be wrong, but what can you do? We'll all miss him." He followed his —

The anchor reacts to a breaking news report

This just in. The Washington DC medical examiner has also reported traces of Plutonium in the late Senator Sanders' bloodstream. 

According to White House reports, the president is dealing with an unprecedented ecological crisis and is unavailable for further comment on this developing situation.


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 20
FAKE NEWS ALERT! Tree-hugger doc on TV. National Geographic. Glory of America's national parks. Oh no! Global warming attack! Be afraid! 

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 20
Trees burn, bears die, boo-hoo. I am so sick of the FAKE NEWS. Lies, lies, lies!

TRANSCRIPT: Morning eye opener with Tom and Shiela
Sheila: At a surprise 3 a.m. press conference, President Trump announced the immediate sale of 16 national parks, including Yosemite National Park, Jellystone Park..."

[News anchor briefly pauses at the word "Jellystone" Then continues.]

... along with several national monuments and museums. "Everything must go," he said. "You will never ever see prices this low again. The deficit ends today." 

Trump repeatedly sniffed and wiped his nose throughout the impromptu address. A full transcript of his 3 hours and 17 minute speech is available on our website. 

In an early morning announcement, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer noted that allergy season was the reason for Trump's symptoms. He advised Americans everywhere to take every available precaution during this time. 

An emergency session of Congress immediately authorized the president's proposal.



Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Its going to be great. Like pioneer days when they opened up Oklahoma or Oregon whatever and all the covered wagons rushed in. Exciting.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
All this fuss about the poor little animals! Boo-hoo.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Somebody has to make the tough decisions. Weak, weak, people. I don't want to be the bad guy. I'm not the bad guy. What's wrong with America? 

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
PC brainwashing. That's what's wrong. "Be sensitive kids. Don't hurt anybody's feelings. Play nice."

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Bullies are bad. Boys who turn into girls are good. Sick!

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Bullies have rights too. Not anymore. Open season. Who stands up for bullies?

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22

I do.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Fight brainwashing with brainwashing.

TRANSCRIPT: Fox and Friends; 6.23.17
"The Trump administration announced a bold new initiative for America's public schools. The initative will install cadres of professional bullies in public schools across the country. These so-called "Values Enforcers." have undergone intensive training in the arts of inflicting pain and humiliation. But it's pain with a purpose. According to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, "Children with different sexual orientations, skin color, foreign accents, disabilities and high IQs have gone without beatings for far too long. This initiative sends a powerful message to all of America's children: 'If you're different, we're going to hurt you. And there's nothing you can do about it.'"

The president's multi-pronged initiative will also require public schools to refer to children with mental disabilities as "retards" and physical disabilities as "cripples." Public schools which fail to comply with these guidelines will face immediate loss of federal funding. Spicer stressed that the initiative in no way penalizes "freelance bullies." He noted that "Values Enforcers are, "intended to set and example and reaffirm rational American values of social conformity and repression." 

Legitimate targets for beatings will be identified with lists of unacceptable behaviors and computer generated photos of undesireable facial features. "Good Kids" will also receive special badges confirming their "all-American" status.

An official launch date has not yet been announced for the initiative. According to Spicer, "Making it a surprise inspires more fear."

To be continued

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Attack of the 50-Foot Clown

He was a 50-foot clown. She was a 50-foot woman. Other than that, they had nothing in common. Except love. For LA's oddest couple, it's the perfect recipe for disaster — and comedy.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

A Clockwork Oz

There was me, that is Alex, and my three so-called droogs, the Lion, Tinman and Scarecrow. They did not their eemyas supply nor did I ask, O my brothers. (Freaks of nature. Sold for faircoin lolly to labcoat carvers in jollyold.) Such unkind thoughts thought I. Right bezoomy they were, like this whole sodding Ozzy mesto. Irritativating bratchnies as well. Traipsing down a road of screaming yellow brick in choreographed steppysteps. And with musical accompaniment besides from the songbirds three! Creeching and warbling about a choodessny Wizard who’d supply the yarbles, mozg and thumpythump heart Bog neglected to giveygive. Boohoohoing all guiltylike about a poor ptitsa they’d left behind in the clutches of a badiwad baboochka. And her malenky sobaka, too, Toto or Tojo or Togo. (Tried hard and very hard to enlist Your Humble Narrator in a rescue mission. Had an inward smeck at that.) Not the sort on your side you’d want in the heat of like drat or bitva when chains whoosh and cutthroat britvas flash, brothers. Not the sort you'd want at all, to govoreet the unvarnished pravda and no lie. In thuslike monotonous fashion, the path of puke when on and on, around another twist we trod, and their rots stretched wide. Again they came with a burst of singing, and not on clef. I knew right away what I must do.

Friday, February 3, 2017

What Happened in Amsterdam

Jules and Vincent Vega stand under a dead tree in a wasted stretch of land not far from Amsterdam. A black attache case leans against the tree, mostly hidden in shadow.

Vincent: I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking sick of waiting.
Vic: Nah, Vince. I fucking love it. Let’s talk philosophy.
Vincent: Fuck you. 

Tosses cigarette. It lands on wasted ground. Which catches on fire.

Vincent: Jesus? Did you see that? That’s dirt. The fucking dirt caught on fire.
Vic: One step ahead you.

Walks up. Pisses fire out.

Vincent: Gotta watch that shit, bro. Can’t play with matches these parts.
Vic: Goddamn. What the fuck happened here?
Vincent: Chemical spill.
Vincent: Jesus. This is a nice country, especially around up the road a few miles. Man, I fucking love Amsterdam. They got restaurants, hash bars, big windows with naked ladies in 'em, lot of nice places. And that asshole wants to meet here?
Vic: Nah. That asshole want us here. I don’t think he’s coming.
Vincent: Then let’s go to him.
Vic: Read my mind, brother.

They simultaneously slide the racks on two identical chrome 45s. Leave the scene.

Hold on tree. Title fades in:

This time, no more waiting.

Keep holding on tree.

Vic: (OS) Forgetting something?
Vincent: (OS) Oh, fuck me.

Vincent walks back, picks up black attache case. Walks out of frame.

Fade to black.