Monday, February 27, 2017

Crossing the line

What does Trump have to do to cross the line? Seriously.


Personality Profile: Donald J. Trump. 2018-2019.
Selected data for personality analysis. Evidentiary material primarily verbal, but also includes behavioral component and reactions of others to individual under consideration. Full data set available. Ultra-clearance only.

TRANSCRIPT: The News You Need Now / 1.15.18

Jack Helm: Zoltan Szabo, a bitter, unemployed circus clown, assaulted President Trump at this morning's appearance in the Glendale California Civic Auditorium. A cream pie, approximately 9" in diameter, was the means of his attack. Secret Service agents immediately detained the former clown and later took him to an undisclosed location for questioning.

Szabo blamed Trump for last year's closure of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. He made this accusation in an incoherent rant immediately prior to his large pastry attack. Szabo's incoherent rants were recorded in both audio and video formats.

Visibly angered by the incident, President Trump ordered all media representatives to leave the auditorium. He was heard shouting at the Secret Agents. His exact words could not be determined, due to the auditorium's thick walls. The United States Secret Service refused to comment. 

During today's brief afternoon press anouncement, President Trump characterized widespread reports of Szabo's mental illness as "fake news." He went on to label Szabo a "loser terrorist." before dropping the microphone and exiting the stage. The unemployed clown was later deported to the detention facility at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base.

TRANSCRIPT: Presidential Announcement / 1.15.18
President Trump: Fake news. Fake news. Just wrong. This clown person is crazy? No. That's his excuse? No. He knew exactly what he was doing. He aimed that pie with amazing priecision, just amazing. He came right at me, just like ... The man attacked me! Everyone saw it! But the media defends him, they make excuses, they justify his actions. I know they're laughing at me. Why? Because they hate me, just ... nothing but hate in their hearts. It's a hateful thing. It's sick. You want to hear the true news? The media is my enemy. They're your enemy, America's enemy. They want the clowns to win. No. Clowns are losers. I'm a winner. I win, they lose." 

TRANSCRIPT: The News You Need Now / 1.16.18
In an unprecedented development, Trump has officially disbanded the United States Secret Service. Although no official explanation was given, the action is widely presumed to be a response to the recent clown attack. 


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 17
Secret Service? So secret they're not even there. Gross incompetence. Nothing more gross than that. They're out. Starting now. I'll get my own people.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 17
Loser clown attacks. Stupid Service useless. Moron media doesn't put 2+2 together. I will.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 17
Attention moron media. Clown hit me with pie. Stupid Service FAIL. That's why I fired them. You can make it official. Morons!

TRANSCRIPT: The Dallas Report / 1.18.18
President Trump's new private security force made its first appearance at today's gala event at the Dallas Convention Center. They sported sleek, form fitting body suits designed by Ivanka Trump herself. He calls them the "Tough Guys," and they certainly live up to that name. Those attending were highly impressed by their demonstration of Systema Spetsnaz, a martial arts technique developed in the Soviet era. 

Trump: "There's a new sheriff in town. Me. And them. They're the deputy sheriffs. There's, uh, seven of them -- seven you can see. Who knows how many you can't see? Why do I need my Tough Guys? Because the terrorists can be everywhere. Like her for example. See the white makeup? Who needs that much makeup? She looks like a clown to me.

Trump snapped his fingers at this point. Two agents of his "Tough Guys" security team swiftly dragged the prominent Dallas socialite and mother of three away with expert efficiency. Trump continued to address the capacity crowd.

"The terrorists can be everywhere. But so can we. And we are. And we're not giving in! Islamic terror. Clown terror. Any kind of terror. It ends here. It ends today. They won't see it coming. But I will. Wait till you see, ha. You having a good time?"


"You people are awesome. You gotta try the buffet table. seriously. Seriously. The club sandwiches are huge. I'm not exaggerating. Huge! This is the true heart of Texas. The Dallas audience is the greatest audience in the world!"

The President then waved goodbye and was greeted with a standing ovation.


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Tough Guys awesome. Totally awesome.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Insane ride back to DFW. 90 mph, all the way. Insane. Way they do it in Russia. Saw it on YouTube, always wanted to try.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Nobody hurt, no scratch on limos. Tough Guys awesome drivers. Evasion techniques, pro training. Skills like Earnhardt.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
OK, one scratch. 

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
I like the Earnhardt who didn't get killed.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
We're here!

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Still here. Stuck at the airport. Boring. Presidential plane. But can't take off.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Love the people of Texas. Beautiful people, beautiful country. Next to USA, most beautiful country in world.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
FAKE NEWS ALERT! Moron media claims I think Texas is a country. Meant "countryside." More lies, lies, lies. Bad.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 18
Mentally insane editorial from Sen. BS in NYT. Attacks me, personally. Blah, blah, blah. Alzheimer's, has to be. Somebody shut him up, please.

TRANSCRIPT: CNN Tonight / 1.19.18
Sad news tonight. Senator Bernie Sanders was pronounced dead at 11:57 this evening at George Washington University Hospital. His death came after a protracted struggle, despite the heroic efforts of attending physicians to save him. Seven hours earlier, he had been rushed to the hospital after complaining of convulsions and severe pains after dining at the Capitol Grill.


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 19
Nice restaurant. Too bad Sen. BS croaks there! Bad for business. Good people. My heart goes out to them.

TRANSCRIPT: CNN Tonight / follow-up report / 1.19.18
Forensic investigators called to the scene reported traces of Plutonium in the soup Senator Sanders had enjoyed after his main course. They detected it in the soup bowl itself, which had fallen beneath the table after Sanders' convulsions began.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 19
Soup after dinner? Low class. Sad.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 19
I won't have what he's having.

TRANSCRIPT: CNN Special Report / 1.19.18
The White House Press secretary expressed the President's shock and extended his condolences to a grieving nation during this time of tragedy. He then read a brief statement from the President. "Senator Sanders and I had our disagreements. Huge disagreements. But he said what he thought, just like me. He's not a fake. He's not a liar. I respect that. Worthy opponent. He was my opponent, so he lost. But he had my respect and that's a hard club to get into. He was a great man who just happened to be wrong, but what can you do? We'll all miss him." He followed his —

The anchor reacts to a breaking news report

This just in. The Washington DC medical examiner has also reported traces of Plutonium in the late Senator Sanders' bloodstream. 

According to White House reports, the president is dealing with an unprecedented ecological crisis and is unavailable for further comment on this developing situation.


Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 20
FAKE NEWS ALERT! Tree-hugger doc on TV. National Geographic. Glory of America's national parks. Oh no! Global warming attack! Be afraid! 

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 20
Trees burn, bears die, boo-hoo. I am so sick of the FAKE NEWS. Lies, lies, lies!

TRANSCRIPT: Morning eye opener with Tom and Shiela
Sheila: At a surprise 3 a.m. press conference, President Trump announced the immediate sale of 16 national parks, including Yosemite National Park, Jellystone Park..."

[News anchor briefly pauses at the word "Jellystone" Then continues.]

... along with several national monuments and museums. "Everything must go," he said. "You will never ever see prices this low again. The deficit ends today." 

Trump repeatedly sniffed and wiped his nose throughout the impromptu address. A full transcript of his 3 hours and 17 minute speech is available on our website. 

In an early morning announcement, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer noted that allergy season was the reason for Trump's symptoms. He advised Americans everywhere to take every available precaution during this time. 

An emergency session of Congress immediately authorized the president's proposal.



Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Its going to be great. Like pioneer days when they opened up Oklahoma or Oregon whatever and all the covered wagons rushed in. Exciting.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
All this fuss about the poor little animals! Boo-hoo.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Somebody has to make the tough decisions. Weak, weak, people. I don't want to be the bad guy. I'm not the bad guy. What's wrong with America? 

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
PC brainwashing. That's what's wrong. "Be sensitive kids. Don't hurt anybody's feelings. Play nice."

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Bullies are bad. Boys who turn into girls are good. Sick!

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Bullies have rights too. Not anymore. Open season. Who stands up for bullies?

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22

I do.

Donald J. Trump                     ‏@realDonaldTrump  Jan 22
Fight brainwashing with brainwashing.

TRANSCRIPT: Fox and Friends; 6.23.17
"The Trump administration announced a bold new initiative for America's public schools. The initative will install cadres of professional bullies in public schools across the country. These so-called "Values Enforcers." have undergone intensive training in the arts of inflicting pain and humiliation. But it's pain with a purpose. According to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, "Children with different sexual orientations, skin color, foreign accents, disabilities and high IQs have gone without beatings for far too long. This initiative sends a powerful message to all of America's children: 'If you're different, we're going to hurt you. And there's nothing you can do about it.'"

The president's multi-pronged initiative will also require public schools to refer to children with mental disabilities as "retards" and physical disabilities as "cripples." Public schools which fail to comply with these guidelines will face immediate loss of federal funding. Spicer stressed that the initiative in no way penalizes "freelance bullies." He noted that "Values Enforcers are, "intended to set and example and reaffirm rational American values of social conformity and repression." 

Legitimate targets for beatings will be identified with lists of unacceptable behaviors and computer generated photos of undesireable facial features. "Good Kids" will also receive special badges confirming their "all-American" status.

An official launch date has not yet been announced for the initiative. According to Spicer, "Making it a surprise inspires more fear."

To be continued

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