Monday, December 27, 2010

Gilligans Island - what really would have happened


MARY ANNE and GINGER are both pregnant. They're surrounded by dirty screaming toddlers who all look like GILLIGAN. The kids are constantly breaking things and hurting themselves.

MARY ANNE: God, these kids are driving me crazy! They've got the IQ of rocks!

GINGER: I used to think I was stupid.

LIL GILLIGAN #2: Wahhhh! Lil' Gilligan #4 poke my eye!

LITTLE GILLIGAN #7: Wahhh! Lil' Gilligan 15 put dookie on my head!

GINGER: Slave!

MRS. HOWELL enters the scene, dressed in a burlap sack.

MRS. HOWELL: Yes, Mistress.

GINGER: Deal with these brats, bitch!

MRS. HOWELL: (suddenly defiant) Or?

MARY ANNE: Or share your husband's fate!

Brief shot of MR. HOWELL's lifeless head on a sharpened stick.

MRS. HOWELL: (brightly) I have a better idea!

She throws herself into the lagoon and drowns.

GINGER: God, now you'll have to start changing diapers.

MARY ANNE: No. That's not the way it works.

They stand up defiantly, ready for a throw down.

Suddenly, GILLIGAN enters the scene holding a cocoanut radio.

GILLIGAN: Ladies! Girls! Whatever!

MARY ANNE and GINGER: (lustfully) Gilligan.

GILLIGAN: It's the professor! He made it back to civilization!

GINGER: Oh wow.

MARY ANNE: You're really there, professor?

PROFESSOR: (speaking from the cocoanut) Yes, that's right, ladies. I'm really here. In Hawaii.

They explode with joy, laughing and applauding.

PROFESSOR: Maui is very beautiful this time of year.

GILLIGAN: I thought he said he was in Hawaii.

GINGER: Thank the Cocoanut God!

PROFESSOR: But you'll never see it.

MARY ANNE: What? Why not?

PROFESSOR: Why not? Your lack of perception never fails to astonish me. Why not? You !!@@E$ Gilligan. You !!@@E$ Gilligan. Not me. Gilligan. I'm an MIT graduate! I have three doctorates. I've got an IQ of 176!

MARY ANNE: But his penis is bigger.

GINGER: Like a lot bigger.

PROFESSOR: This fallacious argument only confirms my hypothesis. Obviously, you should not be allowed to contaminate the human gene pool. For the good of humanity, the 19 little waterheads you spawned must never leave the island. It's the scientific thing to do, you !!@## !!@##$s. Professor out.

GILLIGAN: Gee. I thought he was a nice guy. Gosh, you girls look so sad.

MARY ANNE: Yeah. We need a distraction.

GINGER: Make it better, Gilligan. Make it aw better.

GILLIGAN: Like a doctor? Oh. Oh! I get it! (he starts to take off his pants)

The SKIPPER enters the scene, holding a big knife.

GILLIGAN: Hey! These are my girls!

SKIPPER: Yeah! (shifting knife from hand to hand) And you're my little buddy!

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