Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo

OPENING CREDITS: EXT, AUSTRALIAN BUSH

Montage of excited kangaroo bounding around. A chorus sings. (OS)

CHORUS: Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo

Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy, our friend ever true.

Matt and his two idiot sons are standing by a helicopter. His youngest son reacts. Points.

Sonny: Look, Dad! It’s Stiffy!

Matt: How do you reckon it’s Stiffy?

Sonny: They’re playing his theme song.

Quick shot of Aboriginal orchestra dressed in white tuxes waving at camera.

Stiffy comes bounding up. He has an enormous stiffy.

Matt: Crikey. ‘E looks excited to see ya.

Sonny: What’s that in his pouch dad?

Mark: Stiffy ain’t got no pouch.

Matt: Put a lid on it. He’s too young for anatomy lessons, ain’t ‘e?

Matt: (to Sonny) Stiffy has a stiffy in his pouch. It’s how ‘e navigates through the bush. Sorta like a divining rod or what have you.

Stiffy starts making Kangaroo noises and thumping his feet.

Stiffy: Chk-kachokity – thump!

Matt: What’s that Stiffy?

Stiffy: Chokitty chk-chack, thump thump!

Matt: There’s a psycho over in Wolf Creek, ya say. Crikey, we better get over there.

INT, MICK’S LAIR AT WOLF CREEK - DAY

Mick, the psycho, advances on a terrified woman brandishing a spork.

Woman: Back off, mate!

Mick: You call that a knife?

Woman: No, it’s a spork.

Mick: (pulls out enormous pig sticker) This is a knife.

Woman: It ain’t nearly as funny when you say it.

Mick: Yeah? Wait til I sever your spinal column. That’s always hilarious.

Woman: Nah. Kangaroo with a boner on the other hand.

Mick: Nice try. (advances)

Matt: (OS) Get him, Stiffy!

Stiffy pounces. Sounds of scuffle (OS)

Sonny: What’s Stiffy doing dad?

Mick: (OS) Eagghhhhhhh!

Matt: He’s uh. Subduing him. With his divining rod.

CHORUS: Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo

Stiffy, Stiffy

Stiffy, our friend ever true!