Captain Ahab and his officers sit around the captain's table. They’re all in a good mood, except for Captain Ahab, who sits alone, muttering to himself. He's hunched over a bowl of unidentified slop and occasionally spoons some into his mouth.
Starbuck walks in with Jack. The new kid. Most of the Officers look up. Ahab doesn't.
Starbuck: This here be Jack. He’s the new lieutenant.
Officer 1: Welcome aboard, lad. Tuck in. Cooky sliced up a tuna twice as big as me. Plenty for all.
Jack sits down. An underling spears and plops a giant tuna steak on his plate.
Jack: Wow, that’s a whale of a steak!
Captain Ahab: (looking up slowly) Whale??
The Officers groan. One of them dope-slaps the new kid.
Jack: What? What did I do?
Captain Ahab: Ahh. The whale. The whale ... That reminds me it does.
The Officers groan again.
Officer #1: Here we go.
Captain Ahab: Did I ever tell ye lads about the Great White Whale?
Starbuck: Yes, sir. As a matter of fact. You did.
Captain Ahab: What?
Starbuck: Captain, with all due respect, you've told this story a thousand times.
Captain Ahab: (pointing at Jack) Well ... he ain't heard it.
Starbuck: One thousand and one.
Jack looks up, mouthful of food.
Jack: Huh?
Starbuck dope-slaps him.
Captain Ahab: Aye, lad. Here be the sad and sorry tale.
Captain Ahab lights pipe. Takes his sweet f***ing time before he begins.
Captain Ahab: It were a dark and moonless night ...
The Officers all mime the words as he says them.
Captain Ahab: I was minding me own business ... when that sodding leviathan ...
Starbuck: Bit your leg off.
Captain Ahab: (pounds table) Who be telling this story? You or me?
Starbuck: You, Captain. You.
Captain Ahab: Aye. As I were saying .... where was I?
Starbuck: Whale. Bit your leg off.
Captain Ahab: Not just any whale, damn your eyes! Moby Dick! Moby Dick were his name!
Jack: The whale has a name?
Captain Ahab: Aye.
Starbuck: Yeah. (nodding to Ahab) He named him.
Jack: Why "Moby Dick" ...?
Captain Ahab: Because he's a dick!
Starbuck: Well, he is a sperm whale.
The Officers laugh.
Captain Ahab: Ye think this is funny? Aye. Laugh it up, gentlemen. We shall pursue this unholy behemoth to the ends of the seven seas!
Starbuck: What's the point?
Captain Ahab: Revenge! Revenge be the only point!
Starbuck: Aw, Captain. Shouldn't ya just forgive and forget?
(takes out pitchpipe) I think this song explains it all ...
Blows a note on the pitchpipe. The Officers all begin singing.
Live and let live, let Nature be your teacher
Respect the life of your fellow creature
Captain Ahab: No! Bugger that hippie shit. I shall not never be deterred from my purpose! I aim to hunt this bleached monstrosity, catch him and kill him!
Starbuck: How, sir? It's a very big ocean.
Captain Ahab: Aye. To catch a whale, ye have to think like a whale. That's why I've been eating nothing but plankton for the last three weeks.
Spoons green slop into his mouth. Gags, but chokes it down.
Starbuck: How's that working out?
Captain Ahab: Not too good, but I ...
(OS) Whale song, trilling from outside.
Captain Ahab: What in the name of Poseidon's balls ...?
The room violently shakes.
Officer #3: It be the whale, sir! He's humping the boat!
Captain Ahab: Ah, Moby! You dick!
The room shakes again.
Audio: (OS)
Live and let live, let Nature be your teacher
Respect the life of your fellow creature
Live and let live, it's not such a trick.
And whatever you do, please don't be a dick.
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