Tuesday, October 2, 2001

Uncle Sam and Santa

Uncle Sam gets stabbed in the back. Now it looks like Bin Laden's next victim will be -- Santa Claus.

Yeah, you heard right.

Santa Claus.

Seeing as how our economy has turned into a warped whipsaw in which 90% of all retail selling depends on "holiday gifting," if you kill consumer spending, you kill Christmas, you send America into a recession, you kick America in the nuts. If Santa dies, the terrorists win. You follow me so far? Great.

So now, it's become our patriotic duty to SPEND. It's like WWII turned inside out. I can see the propaganda short now. A B&W cartoon -- Chuck Jones or somebody doing bit for the war effort -- all old, scratched and skippy. Bad sound....

* * *

Open, title card. Blaring music. . .


Cut to, INT, JOE AMERICAN's garage. JOE AMERICAN kinda looks like the guy on the "Man Show" logo. Bald, beer-gutted, middle-aged, open-mouthed dopey and good-natured.

JOE AMERICAN s tinkering around with a busted radio he's trying to fix. Burning away with the old soldering iron...

UNCLE SAM walks into the garage.

UNCLE SAM: Say, Joe American, are you a terrorist?


UNCLE SAM: Well, what do you think you're doing?

JOE AMERICAN: I'm fixing this radio.

UNCLE SAM: "Fixing"...?

JOE AMERICAN: (puzzled) Yeah, that's right.

UNCLE SAM: You're "fixing the radio"...? Not buying a new one?


UNCLE SAM: Well, I guess that makes you a terrorist!


UNCLE SAM: Don't you see that's exactly what Osama bin Towelhead wants? If you buy a new radio, someone else will have to make that radio...

JOE AMERICAN: It's a Sony.

UNCLE SAM: OK, uh. But someone in America will still have to SELL that radio. Which means someone on the dock to take that radio off the ship from Japan, someone to drive that radio in a truck to Best Buy, someone to stock the radio, a bored clerk who ignores you until you buy it, a bored old guy on a stool who checks your package on the way out to make sure you're not shoplifting, a bored techie on the help-line who ignores you when you call to say the radio's broken, a bored clerk at the Best Buy customer service window who also ignores you, a bored techie in a Dungeons and Dragon t-shirt in the little corner of Best Buy where they fix stuff under warranty assuming you've paid for another warranty who, after insulting you, finally fixes your radio, not to mention the bored old guy on the stool who once again checks your package on the way out to make sure you're not shoplifting when you take your radio back home.


UNCLE SAM: But if you fix that radio yourself -- you're putting all those people out of work -- you might as well be working for Osama! You might as well be a terrorist. Imagine!

A thought balloon pops over JOE AMERICAN's head. Inside, we see a quick fantasy clip of JOE AMERICAN driving monster truck full of dynamite through the Best Buy barriers and into the store where it explodes with vicious intensity.

Thought balloon disappears.

JOE AMERICAN: (throwing radio to garage floor and stomping on it) To hell with that! I'm buying something I don't need RIGHT NOW!

UNCLE SAM salutes him. JOE AMERICAN salutes back and skeedaddles out of the scene. UNCLE SAM then turns around and addresses us...

UNCLE SAM: But what about YOU, America? Are you...

(Go to montage to illustrate --)

Saving your money?
Making do with less?
Repairing old appliances or clothes to make them last?

....then YOU might as well be a terrorist!

(In a 3-way split frame, various cartoon Americans react -- spending, consuming, throwing away)

UNCLE SAM: Are you sitting around on a quiet Sunday afternoon playing Scrabble?

Go to -- AMERICAN FAMILY doing just that.

AMERICAN FAMILY: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

UNCLE SAM: Then YOU might as well be a terrorist! Get in your car and go someplace! Ask yourself, "Is this trip really necessary?" If the answer is "no" -- then "go!"

Go to -- AMERICAN FAMILY. They react. Get in the car and go. Horizon before them dissolves into rippling American flag...

Back to --

UNCLE SAM: Do your part, America! Throw some sand in Osama bin Towelhead's killing machine!

(Cartoon illustrates; America throws sand in gears of killing machine, exaggerated Tojo-like caricature of bin Laden reacts with fury)

Back to UNCLE SAM -- SANTA appears right next to him.

SANTA: (rubbing eyes) Why...I can't believe my eyes! Christmas is saved.

UNCLE SAM: The country is saved.

SANTA and UNCLE SAM turn and salute each other. They turn back to us.

UNCLE SAM/SANTA: Join the fight, America! Osama has his weapons; we have ours. Credit cards! (UNCLE SAM and SANTA whip out credit cards and aim them at the audience) And you do too! You and you and you, America! Credit cards! Millions and millions of credit cards! It's in your wallet, in your pocket book - yours, mine, all of us, the arsenal of democracy, unstoppable. PRESENT ARMS, AMERICA!

Quick clip thousands of hands thrusting credit cards to the sky.




Go to quick fantasy sequence of credit cards falling like bombs and exploding on Osama.

UNCLE SAM/SANTA: (in unison -- both pointing at us) Spend your money, America!

Dissolve to end credits over rippling flag logo. Patriotic music plays. "Spend your money, America."

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