Saturday, April 11, 1998

The Turdminator



Rows and rows of frozen action-adventure actors in plastic tubes, their faces barely distinguishable from their unfrozen selves. Camera tracks past SEAGAL, SCHWARZENNEGGER, STALONE, VAN DAMME...and rests on BRUCE WILLIS.


The same cryogenic freezing chamber. Some kind of electrical disturbance. A sphere of energy appears, lightning surrounding it. TERMINATOR 2 emerges in cop uniform, limps over to a massive control panel.

T2: I'm not the only thing that's lame around here.

He pushes a button. Cut to rotating warning light. Sound: emergency buzzers. WILLIS begins to thaw. T2 pushes another button. Cut to a row of smaller cryogenic freezing chambers where row on row of DEAD CONCEPTS have been frozen. We see one labelled: SLEEPER WAKES IN POST- APOCALYPTIC HORROR, SAVES WORLD. Its tube pops open. The script falls, wobbles deadbirdlike to the floor, still stiff. We see T2's hand enter frame, pick up the script.


Dead-on close-up WILLIS's chamber. We hear an elevator DING. Tube opens. WILLIS pitches forward onto face, out of frame. We hear him say "Ow." Cut to WILLIS, sitting on polished floor.

WILLIS: (rubbing nose) Ya play, ya pay. Oh baby...what a hangover. I feel like I died and somebody stuck me in a freezing tube for 500 years or something.

T2 walks up to him. WILLIS looks up at T2.

WILLIS: Oh yeah. Right. Shoulda figured...

T2: (handing him script) Your script.

WILLIS: Script?

T2: Just take it.

WILLIS: (taking it) Yeah, yeah. (starting to read, reacting) Oh god, oh thawed me out for this? This is pure sh--



Maze of transparent tubes pumping excrement. Sound: ominous rumblings. On an instrument panel, a telltale indicator moves from orange to red. A light flashes: FORESHADOWING.

Cut back to WILLIS and T2 --

WILLIS: (still reading) Oh my god--this is so...whew. Who wrote this?

T2: (impassive) He's been dead for over 500 years.

WILLIS: Yeah? It figures. (smirking, delivering a line) The guy was dead when he wrote this. (continues to read, reacting, then breaks off with disgust, stands up, waving script) Look at thing! I can't believe it! The writing is actually worse than my acting. It's an unbelievable piece of sh...

Sound: massive explosion. From deep underground, the worldwide sewage plants explode, covering the earth with liquified dung. Jump cuts of vast global destruction, people reacting in terror. Cut to bird's eye view of catamaran, skimming along the surface of a vast fecal ocean a la "Waterworld." Close in on WILLIS in the crow's nest, working his face into various attitudes. Suddenly, the boat jerks forward: WILLIS pitches off directly into the doodoo ocean. Go to underkaka camera where we see WILLIS swimming closer and closer, bubbles coming out of his mouth. We notice that WILLIS actually has gills in the side of his neck. He's swimming in shit. He's breathing shit. He notices camera, swims right up to it, mugs, smiles.

WILLIS: (distorted) Hey...ya gotta adapt!

No comments:

Post a Comment